Ed O'Neill: Jay Pritchett

Diamond in the Rough

Jay Pritchett

Jay Pritchett: [about Gloria's off-key rendition of "Mockingbird"] Papa'd buy ten diamond rings to get that mockingbird to shut the hell up. But I wasn't going to tell Gloria she was a terrible singer. That's just taking a bath with a toaster. Still, the thought of that poor little thing stuck in there like a hostage, listening to that racket days on end... I just couldn't take it.

Jay Pritchett: [Talking to the baby while Gloria is asleep] All I'm saying is, I hope to God you don't have your mother's singing voice, but, man, I hope you get her self-confidence.
[Gloria snores loudly]
Jay Pritchett: Try to get some sleep; I'll talk to you in the morning.

Manny Delgado: [listening to Jay and Gloria argue] What are you doing? Do you really want your unborn baby to hear you fighting like this? Studies show it's unhealthy for a fetus to be exposed to a stressful environment.
Jay Pritchett: Studies? You're 13. Read a comic book. What times does your game start?
Manny Delgado: I have to be there at 3:00 for hitting practice.
Jay Pritchett: *Batting* practice.
Manny Delgado: Not for me.

Jay Pritchett: Breaker, breaker, Big Jay. Baby, what's your 20? Over.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, that's so cute. You sound like Smoky and the Bandito. Go on. Go on.
Jay Pritchett: Hi, kid. This is your dad, Jay Pritchett. Uh, we're all pretty excited to meet you. Just a heads-up, I might be a few years older than you're expecting. But on the plus side, we're very comfortable.
[Puts ear to Gloria's stomach]
Jay Pritchett: What's that? Nothin'? Tough womb. What are you doing in there? You sleepin'?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Takes the microphone and starts singing off-key again] Are you sleeping...
Jay Pritchett: Ah! Ah! Ah!
[Takes microphone back]
Jay Pritchett: Still Daddy's turn.

Jay Pritchett: [reading to the baby] '... leaving 17 dead and thousands without power.'
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, Jay, please! It's bad that the baby listens to such terrible things.
Jay Pritchett: He's heard worse.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [On a microphone] And this is our dining room, where we eat. And this is our kitchen, where we also eat.
Manny Delgado: Who are you talking to? It looks like you lost your tour.
Jay Pritchett: Or your mind.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: The baby. Shorty's girlfriend Darlene send it to me. She said it's for prenatal bonding. I love it. We took a tour of the house. We took a look at all my shoes. Come on, Jay, say something to the baby.
Jay Pritchett: Darlene's an idiot.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Oh, yeah, beautiful. Your first words to our baby: 'Darlene is an idiot'.
Jay Pritchett: This is stupid. The baby's only two inches away. He doesn't need speakers blasting at him. Like in restaurants nowadays where you can't even hear yourself think. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother?
Manny Delgado: [to the baby] Get used to that. Sometimes, you just gotta let him go. Then he eats some sherbet and falls asleep.

Jay Pritchett: Sometimes I don't understand people. They do crazy things for the dumbest reasons. They convince themselves it'll all work out...
Umpire: Please rise for the national anthem.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'm gonna show you who can sing.
Jay Pritchett: Gloria. Oh, this is gonna be rough.
[Narrating]
Jay Pritchett: Despite all evidence to the contrary.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [singing off-key] O say can you see? By the dawn's early light.
Jay Pritchett: [Everyone in the crowd is wincing] Which, I guess, isn't so bad.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Baby, it's your mother again. I'm...
Jay Pritchett: Gloria? Why don't we give him a break? He probably needs a minute because he just learned about a deadly tornado.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Okay, stop calling him a 'he'. What if he's a she and you're making her upset?
Jay Pritchett: I told you, that's just the shorthand I'm using.

Manny Delgado: Jay, do you know a good one-hour dry cleaner? And I don't mean the 'must be in by 10:00, only on weekdays, and you need a coupon' kind. I mean a hard one-hour.
Jay Pritchett: This conversation feels like a hard one hour. And what do you need it cleaned for? It's spotless.
Manny Delgado: There's mustard here from Reuben's reuben. That's what happens when you put a narcissist in charge of snack day.

Phil Dunphy: You know what, guys? Honestly, I... I think we should do it. I think we should go for the house.
Cameron Tucker: Really?
Claire Dunphy: Okay, but careful, honey. Don't say something if you don't mean it.
Phil Dunphy: No, I do mean it. I think you two will do a fantastic job.
Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, I do, too. I'm on board.
Jay Pritchett: On board for what?
Cameron Tucker: Oh, well, the four of us, uh, might go in on a house. Claire and I fix it up and flip it.
Jay Pritchett: That's the worst idea I ever heard.
Cameron Tucker: Okay.
Jay Pritchett: You guys know nothing about construction. You'll make all sorts of mistakes, you'll turn on each other, you'll stop talking, and suddenly I'm doing two dinners a week instead of one because you can't be in the same room. Family and business doesn't mix. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother?

Phil Dunphy: Two outs, bottom of the sixth. Tied at 4. This is it, folks. The whole game comes down to this. Manny Delgado, 0 for 3 on the day. Gloria, your thoughts?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I think he's going to hit the home run.
Jay Pritchett: Please, God, give me one.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay, I don't want our baby to think that it's coming into an unhappy home. Let's promise that we're never ever going to fight in front of him.
Jay Pritchett: All right. No fighting in front of the baby.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Okay, good.
[Takes the microphone and stars singing]
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Twinkle, twinkle, little lamb. I am going to...
Jay Pritchett: Gloria, stop it! Stop it. No more singing.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Why.
Jay Pritchett: Because you stink. You're a terrible singer. Come on. Let's get some lunch.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: How dare do you tell me that I am-!
Jay Pritchett: Ah! Ah! Ah! No, no no! No fighting in front of the baby! We just made a deal.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yeah, but that is not fair because I am always in front of the baby!
Jay Pritchett: Gloria, you're as close to perfect as a woman gets. Nothing wrong with one tiny little flaw. Yours is when you start to sing, it sounds like something got stuck in the vacuum cleaner.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That's... you're just...
Jay Pritchett: Ah! Ah! Ah! No, no, no.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [With a forced smile and light voice] That is just your... stupid, stupid opinion, Jay. But I am very angry at you, and I am gonna make a list of all the things that I am going to scream at you as soon as this baby's out of me.
Jay Pritchett: [In testimonial interview] I didn't think it all the way through.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny, stand up straight!
Jay Pritchett: But bend your knees.
Claire Dunphy: Widen your stance!
Manny Delgado: Would you please let me just...
Phil Dunphy: [Manny is hit by the pitch] Ooh!
Umpire: Take your base!
Luke Dunphy: You did it!
Manny Delgado: I did it?
Luke Dunphy: Run, Manny!
Manny Delgado: [running towards third] Yeah!
[Starts running the bases the wrong way]
Jay Pritchett: No, no, no, no! Not that way! Go this way! Oh, why do I bother? He's gonna do what he wants.