Mark Wahlberg credited as playing...
John
- Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
- Ted: 9/11!
- Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
- John: Robin Williams!
- Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
- Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
- Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
- Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
- Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location.
- John: Ferguson, Missouri!
- Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
- Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
- Ted: No, you didn't!
- John: Nobody said Starbucks.
- Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
- Ted: Bill Cosby!
- Comic: You people are monsters.
- John: We're giving you the tools, buddy! Come on, make some fucking comedy!
- [a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]
- John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
- Ted: We are so sorry!
- Female Nurse: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
- Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
- Ted: What's your middle name?
- Samantha Jackson: Leslie.
- Ted: Oh, my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!
- John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
- Samantha Jackson: Who is that?
- Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
- Ted: Oh my God, John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
- John: No, she wasn't.
- Ted: She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
- Samantha Jackson: What are the "fuck me" eyes?
- Ted: Yeah, it's just some women just have "fuck me" eyes.
- Samantha Jackson: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
- Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.
- Ted: What the fuck!
- John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter? What happened? What's going on?
- Ted: There's so much porn!
- John: What the hell are you doing, looking at my private shit?
- Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
- John: Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that up!
- Ted: Jesus Chri-Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rimjob"? "Counterclockwise Rimjob"?
- John: Yeah, well, sometimes, we like seeing the tongue go the other way!
- Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"!
- John: Oh my God! Oh my God, I have a disease! Allright? I need help!
- Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
- Samantha Jackson: Hi, have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear, he...
- Comic-Con Fan: [interrupts] Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.
- Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
- John: Fuck!
- Samantha Jackson: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.
- John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
- Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.
- [from trailer]
- Samantha Jackson: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
- Ted: Yup, bring it on.
- Samantha Jackson: Do you consider yourself to be human?
- Ted: Objection!
- John: Sustained!
- Samantha Jackson: You know, the witness can't object.
- John: Overruled.
- Ted: Sidebar.
- John: Guilty!
- Ted: Speculation.
- John: Hearsay!
- Ted: Bailiff.
- John: Briefcase.
- Ted: Disregard.
- John: In my chambers.
- Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
- John: I rest.
- Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
- Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
- John: What?
- Ted: I mean, saying his name three times so he appears.
- John: Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!
- Ted: No, it'll be fine! he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
- John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand, alright! Cut the shit!
- Samantha Jackson: Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?
- John: Judy Bloome?
- Ted: Hitler?
- Samantha Jackson: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
- John: Who's that?
- Samantha Jackson: The author.
- John: Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?
- Samantha Jackson: [Sam is confused] What?
- Ted: You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
- John: Yeah.
- Samantha Jackson: No, that's his first name.
- Ted: His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
- Samantha Jackson: What? No!
- John: Well, what does the F stand for?
- Samantha Jackson: Francis.
- Ted: No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.
- John: It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.
- Samantha Jackson: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
- John: Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
- Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
- John: It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
- Samantha Jackson: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
- Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.
- [Ted smokes some marijuana using Sam's penis-shaped bong. John pulls out his smartphone and takes a picture]
- Ted: Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?
- John: [texting] Hashtag: My amazing summer.
- Ted: God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you?
- John: Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.
- Ted: What do you mean? I was just messing around.
- John: Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
- Ted: Oh, fuck you.
- [Unrated version only, John lists a long list of fictional last names in rapid order for Ted's last name]
- John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golightly, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
- Ted: Clubber Lang!
- John: FUCKING...
- Ted: Hahaha!
- Samantha Jackson: [Unrated version] I love New York.
- John: Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.
- Ted: Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York.
- [Out the car window, to a group]
- Ted: Hello, Jews!
- [the groups says hello back]
- [Samantha smokes weed on a penis-shaped bong]
- John: Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
- Ted: Yeah, Sam. This, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. I mean, we wanna get high too.
- John: I don't have any papers or nothing.
- Samantha Jackson: Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party.
- [giggles]
- Samantha Jackson: It's so stupid. Here, try it.
- John: Uh, no.
- Samantha Jackson: Why?
- John: I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.
- Samantha Jackson: Oh, you think this is big?
- Ted: [laughing] Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.
- [Unrated version only]
- Ted: Attention, everyone. May I have your attention, please? Johnny and I have prepared something very special for you here. Let's have it, fellas.
- Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder don't you get too scared.
- John: Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words.
- Ted: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
- John: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
- Ted: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!
- John: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!
- Samantha Jackson: [Alternate scene] Can either of you tell me what happened in World War I?
- John: Yeah. I mean, the whole world was fighting.
- Ted: It's a lot of anger. A lot of anger.
- Samantha Jackson: Any specifics?
- John: A lot of people died.
- Ted: Too many, if you ask me.
- Samantha Jackson: Where did it take place?
- John: All over the world.
- Ted: Thus, World War I.
- John: And that was the first one.
- Ted: Of many.
- Samantha Jackson: You guys need to get fucking educated!