Kristen Bell credited as playing...
Claire
- Claire: Michelle, if you can't give me a raise, I can't continue to work here.
- Michelle Darnell: Well, look who finally showed up to my seminar. About time, Claire, I love it. I didn't know you were listening all these years. What am I always saying?
- Tito: Don't go in that room!
- Michelle Darnell: True. I do say that, but I also say, you want something, you gotta take it. Claire, you just took it and you grew a pair in the process.
- Claire: I'm holding your earrings?
- Michelle Darnell: You're holding a pair of earrings, as in 2001 I paid $ 62,000 for it, and that's your raise now, it's a good raise and you earned it.
- Claire: Thank you.
- Tito: Congratulations on your balls, Claire!
- Michelle Darnell: It's hilarious. It's like that classic comedy gag, 'Who's on my baseball?'.
- Tito: Who's on my baseball?
- Michelle Darnell: Who's on my baseball?
- Tito: Uh, who's on my baseball?
- Michelle Darnell: Who's on my baseball?
- Claire: I think it's uh, 'Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third'. Right?
- Michelle Darnell: I don't think that's...
- Tito: Uh... no?
- Michelle Darnell: Uh, I think you're on my baseball.
- Tito: Who's on my baseball!
- Michelle Darnell: First base!
- Tito: [singing] What's on my baseball!
- Claire: [Knocking on the bathroom door, while Michelle is in the bathroom] Michelle, you gotta get out of the bathroom. I'm already late for work and Rachel's gonna be late for school.
- Michelle Darnell: [From inside the bathroom] Well, I'm going as fast as I can. You're welcome to come in.
- Claire: [Opening the door to find Michelle applying self-tanning spray] Fine, but we gotta get on the schedule if you're gonna be here. Oh, my God! Close your robe!
- Michelle Darnell: No, absolutely not! I'm self-tanning and my legs are still wet.
- Claire: I can see your vagina.
- Michelle Darnell: Well, congratulations and you're welcome. You know, I had it rejuvenated in 2010. They called it a vaguvenation. You know, it's like a soft silk coin purse.
- [Whispered]
- Michelle Darnell: I can barely urinate.
- Claire: [Still in shock] Oh, my God.
- Michelle Darnell: Now, do me a favor and tell me if I have any streaks on my hamstrings.
- [Turns around, bends over and lifts up her robe as Rachel comes into the bathroom]
- Claire: Oh, my God! Put it away!
- Michelle Darnell: Huh!
- Claire: Put it away!
- Rachel: Whoa!
- Michelle Darnell: [Turns around] Hi, Racquel.
- Rachel: It's Rachel!
- Claire: Go grab your backpack, honey. We don't need to brush our teeth today. Our teeth are fine.
- [Rachel leaves the room, as Michelle goes back to spraying her leg with self-tanning spray]
- Claire: . You need to wipe some of that off your face. You know, it dries darker.
- Michelle Darnell: No. Does it?
- [Grabs the bottle]
- Claire: Yes.
- Michelle Darnell: That's not what the bottle says.
- [She wipes her face with a bath towel]
- Michelle Darnell: Oh. Oh, it's okay. It's coming off like a dream on your towel.
- Claire: You need to clean up the bathroom and... consider staying away from self-tanner altogether. Your... pelvic region is the color of curry.
- Michelle Darnell: Namaste, Claire. Thank you.
- Claire: That's not a compliment.
- Michelle Darnell: [to the Darnell's Darlings girls] Now, what are we doing?
- Darnell's Darlings: Selling brownies!
- Michelle Darnell: Okay, what do we say if somebody doesn't want to buy?
- Chrystal: Buy my brownies or I'll kill you.
- Claire: Don't say that, Chrystal.
- Michelle Darnell: Say that. That's perfect.
- [Chrystal nods in agreement]