Marissa Shankar credited as playing...
Sarah
- Sarah: Why should I care what a fucking toy dump truck thinks about my sexuality?
- Blaire Bennett: There's a sentence you don't hear every day.
- Ted: Well, I Jesus the shit out of that one.
- Blaire Bennett: You? You didn't do anything.
- Ted: Ah, I worked in mysterious ways.
- Sarah: How?
- Ted: Where there was only one set of footprints, that's where I carried you.
- Blaire Bennett: You watched 18 hours of TV yesterday. You barely moved.
- Ted: When it most appears I'm not Jesus, that's when you need faith.
- Sarah: Ted, you do know what happened to Jesus, right?
- Ted: Yeah, he gave back the Gobstopper and they gave him the chocolate factory. I mean, I think that's what happened. I'm reading, like, two books at once.
- Sarah: They nailed him to the cross and crucified him for our sins.
- Ted: Wait, what?
- Susan Bennett: It was so nice of him to let them do that for us, wasn't it?
- Ted: They killed him?
- Sarah: Yeah.
- Ted: Oh shit. Yeah, fuck that. I'm out.
- [to John]
- Ted: Wait, maybe I'm Buddha. Buddha was lazy, right?
- Blaire Bennett: [offering Sarah some food] You want some of this?
- Sarah: Yes, please.
- Matty Bennett: [interrupts Blaire] Woah, woah, woah, woah. Hey!
- Blaire Bennett: What? What? What?
- Matty Bennett: It's Christmas Eve. We got to say grace, thank the Lord.
- Ted: You're welcome.
- Blaire Bennett: [sighs] Fine.
- Matty Bennett: Dennis, would you like to do the honors?
- Dennis: Absolutely. Bow your heads.
- [everyone except for Ted and Sarah bow their heads in prayer]
- Dennis: Dear Lord...
- Ted: Yes.
- Dennis: Thank you for this food...
- Ted: No problem.
- Dennis: And for these blessings...
- Ted: Anytime.
- Dennis: Make us thankful.
- Ted: On it.
- Dennis: And may we serve you...
- Ted: Mashed potatoes.
- Dennis: Hey, what the fuck? You wanna say grace?
- Ted: Nah, I'd feel like an asshole.
- Susan Bennett: Amen. Oh, that was just beautiful, Dennis.
- Dennis: Now you can eat.
- Blaire Bennett: Oh, yeah, thank you so much for your permission.