Bill Hader: Aaron

Trainwreck

Aaron

LeBron James: Do you know Cleveland is great for the whole family?
Aaron: Yes, yes. Yes I do. You tell me that all the time. You randomly just text me that.
LeBron James: Man, What's wrong with that?
Aaron: It's just weird. It's weird.
LeBron James: I got free texting.

Amy: What am I doing? I slept at the doctor's place last night.
Nikki: You never spend the night. What were you, blackout drunk?
Amy: No, I had like two drinks... Three, max... Four, now that I'm tallying.
Nikki: Cause you're on antibiotics or something?
Amy: Oh my god, he's calling me.
Nikki: Why would he call? You guys just had sex.
Amy: [answers phone] This is Amy. I think you butt dialed me.
Aaron: No, I dialed you with my fingers.
Amy: [to Nikki] He called me on purpose.
Nikki: Hang up! He's obviously like sick or something.
Aaron: I was calling to say I had a really good time last night and was wondering if you wanted to, um, hang out again.
Nikki: I'm going to call the police.

LeBron James: What I'm sayin' is you gotta go for it. You need to focus if you want to take it to the next level.
Aaron: Right.
LeBron James: You have to, like you have to give it everything you got if you want this one, man. It's like, when I lost the championship in 2011, I worked on my game twice as hard; worked on my post-up game, and we wound up winning the championship. Twice.
Aaron: Yeah, yeah... I don't feel like that applies to me but I... I appreciate the... the thought.
LeBron James: You gotta take a risk.
Aaron: Yeah, no, you're right.
LeBron James: You have to. It's like when I decided to go back to Cleveland. I wasn't totally sure they were going to welcome me back, man. But they did. They welcomed me back with open arms and an open heart.
Aaron: Yeah, they did... Again, I feel like that applies more to you... um... like I don't even live in Cleveland... but again, I appreciate the thought.

Aaron: Do you follow sports?
Amy: Oh, my God. Sports? I love them.
Aaron: Who are your favorite teams?
Amy: The, uh... I like smaller teams, like the... not the big leagues. I like the... like, um... Long Island Mediums. The... the Acorn Pine Cones.
Aaron: Haven't heard of them.
Amy: The Fire Island Penguins. I like the Cincinnati Thunder-Wizards.
Aaron: You can stop.
Amy: The Orlando... Blooms?
Aaron: You can stop. You don't follow sports.
Amy: I'm sorry, I don't. I don't know anything about sports.

LeBron James: When are you gonna come to Cleveland?
Aaron: I'll... I'll come when I have the time. I just don't have the time right now. I'll come when I have the time. I've been really busy.
LeBron James: You visit me in Miami all the time.
Aaron: Yeah, but that's Miami.
LeBron James: What's the difference between Miami and Cleveland? It's the same.
Aaron: You're right. It's the same.
LeBron James: Exactly.

Aaron: Honey. You okay?
Amy: Did I get it?
Aaron: Did you get the basket?
Amy: Did it go in?
Aaron: Oh, of course not. You didn't get enough height.
Amy: No?
Aaron: No.
Amy: I thought I got a lot of height.
Aaron: No, no. Zero height.
Amy: No height, huh?
Aaron: Usually when people hit trampolines they go high, but, for some reason, you went down. You went straight down. Hard!

LeBron James: Okay, so you had the salmon. That's about $14...
Aaron: What're you doing man?
LeBron James: ...you had two Cokes.
Aaron: Dude, are you trying to split the bill?
LeBron James: Look, I told you those refills weren't free.
Aaron: No, no, no, no. We're not splitting the bill. Pick up the check.
LeBron James: Why do I have to pick up the check?
Aaron: Because you're LeBron James.
LeBron James: Listen, don't look at me differently because now I have a little money. I don't know how long this could last. Anything could happen. I'm not about to end up like M.C.Hammer. Listen, you owe $32.43.
Aaron: [Taking out his wallet] You know what? I'll pay it but you gotta pick up a check every once in awhile.
LeBron James: No, no. Don't pay the whole thing, just pay your part. It's better for our friendship. Equals forever.
Aaron: All right, all right. Fine, I'll put my credit card in. Put a credit card in, we'll split it.
LeBron James: Okay, that's what I'm talking about...
[Patting his pockets for his wallet]
LeBron James: I think I left my wallet in the car.
Aaron: [sighing] Fuck you.