Charlie McDermott credited as playing...
Axl Heck
- Tag Spence: [over phone] Listen, kid, college is fun, but I got a mean case of the V.D. my freshman year.
- Frankie Heck: [to Brick] Take him off speaker. Off speaker.
- Tag Spence: And you know the strains are even worse, so be careful.
- Frankie Heck: Can you get him off speaker? Axl, help your brother get off speaker!
- Tag Spence: Hey, Axl, did you cash in on that Franklin Templeton bond we set up for ya?
- Axl Heck: What?
- Tag Spence: The savings bond Grandma and I got when you were born so you'd have a little spending money. I mean, that thing's got to be worth...
- Frankie Heck: Okay, Dad, we just hit a deer! We gotta go!
- [hangs up]
- Axl Heck: Did Grandpa and Grandma give me money? Oh, my God, they did. Did you steal my money? Oh, my God, they stole my money.
- Mike Heck: Relax, nobody stole your money. We just, uh... diversified your portfolio into food, clothes, braces.
- Axl Heck: Seriously? You wasted my money on Sue's ugly face? That thing's a black hole. You could throw money at it forever. It's never gonna get better.
- Axl Heck: This is outrageous! When was I gonna find out about this? I'm practically the head of the household. I mean, how long have I been supporting you people?
- Frankie Heck: We just borrowed it during a desperate time. We had no way of knowing that all the times would be desperate.
- Mike Heck: Look, we - we spent plenty of money on you over the years. I really don't think we owe you anything.
- Axl Heck: Really? I have made life so easy for you people. I got a scholarship to college, so you don't even have to pay for it. How much is college? Like two thousand dollars? Well, I want two, then, with interest.
- Mike Heck: What is interest, Axl? Do you even know what interest is?
- Axl Heck: I'm interested in getting my money back. That's what I'm interested in.
- Axl Heck: This is kidnapping. I've been kidnapped, and I'm probably gonna have to pay my own ransom.