Charlie McDermott credited as playing...
Axl Heck
- Sue Heck: You have to make another will. Without a will there will be nothing but fighting and accusations and eventually the three of us will stop speaking to each other and years will go by and - and our children won't even know their cousins and we'll spend holidays apart. I'll be with my husband and children and Axl will be across town with his family. Each wondering if the other is having a Merry Christmas, but each too proud to pick up the phone. And Brick, who refuses to choose sides, will be eating Christmas dinner all by himself at a Perkins restaurant being served by a waitress who feels sorry for him. You have to make a will. A specifics-detailed who gets what or it will tear us apart. I've seen it before. Look at Casey Kasem's family.
- Brick Heck: Wait. Why am I the one being pitied by a waitress? She's the one working on Christmas.
- Axl Heck: My God, can we start this not-talking thing now?
- Frankie Heck: Knock it off, guys. Stop throwing things in the house.
- Axl Heck: Why'd you buy fruit if you don't want us to throw it?
- Frankie Heck: I didn't buy it. I took it from the Holiday Inn lobby when I stopped to use the bathroom.
- Axl Heck: [after Brick breaks the lawnmower] Easy. Just blame the Glossners.
- Brick Heck: If only. One of the things I jammed in there was a bookmark.
- Axl Heck: Oh, Brick, seriously? That's like the Penguin leaving his umbrella.
- Brick Heck: Slight snag with the plan. I seem to have misplaced Dad's wallet.
- Axl Heck: What are you talking about?
- Brick Heck: Well, I hid it between the pages of "Tale of Two Cities", but that was too obvious, so I moved it somewhere. Long story short, "A Tale of Two Cities" still holds up, and I can't seem to find the wallet.
- Axl Heck: You've lost Dad's wallet and you've read a book you've already read before. Those are two of the dumbest things you've ever done, Brick.
- Brick Heck: I should never have done this. I'm not cut out for a life of crime. I don't have your deviousness.
- Axl Heck: Or my good looks, but let's not start naming everything or we'll be here all day.