Robert Smigel: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Will Ferrell/Allison Janney/The Strokes

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Blackwolf the Dragonmaster: I am Blackwolf the Dragonmaster, New York's unofficial wizard and don't you forget it.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: All right... and don't forget to finish your Filet-o-Fish.
Blackwolf the Dragonmaster: Oh, quiet.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Dragonmaster.
Blackwolf the Dragonmaster: Quiet.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Burger King: Where all Dragonmasters eat! You're here just to pay your respects to the Jedi?
Blackwolf the Dragonmaster: Hello. You are wha- you are one, you are one uninformed hound, you know that?
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Uh, it's called reality, my friend.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: So what's going on here? You've got a little future nerd in here?
Pregnant Woman: Yes, yes. Future nerd. Future Jedi.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: When is he due?
Pregnant Woman: June 27th, six weeks.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Wow. That's the last time he'll ever see female genitalia.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: I'm here with, uh, all right, you're dressed as a... a huge nerd, yes?
Man in Jedi Robe: Yes.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: No, what, seriously, you're supposed to be a...?
Man in Jedi Robe: I'm supposed to be a Jedi.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: You're a Jedi knight, yes. And what are the, uh, principles of a Jedi knight?
Man in Jedi Robe: Uh, to always defend truth and justice throughout the galaxy.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: And to eat a lot of peanut M&Ms?
[chuckles]
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Throughout the galaxy? You know what's good about this costume, folks? He has the ability, he can crap his pants and no one will notice.

Blackwolf the Dragonmaster: You're, you're even lucky your, your, your superiors at "Late Night" even, even decided to let you out TODAY.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Seriously, have you ever talked to a woman without having to give your credit card number?
Blackwolf the Dragonmaster: You know what? Take this.
[pretends to hit Triumph on the head]
Blackwolf the Dragonmaster: Fresh hound!
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Quite an imagination, yes.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: [to crowd] Okay, you guys ready for some trivia? Here's the first question: What substance was Han Solo frozen in?
[crowd answers "Carbonite."]
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: No no, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry. The correct answer is, "Who gives a shit?"

Man in Darth Vader costume: This would be my chest box that help me to breathe.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: So this is to help you breathe, yes?
Man in Darth Vader costume: Yes.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: And which of these...
[snickers]
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: which of these buttons calls your parents to pick you up?
[to storm trooper]
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Who are you supposed to be?
Man in Storm Trooper costume: [robotic voice] I am a storm trooper.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: [robotic voice] You are a huge nerd.
Man in Storm Trooper costume: [robotic voice] You are a hot dog.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Do storm troopers talk like '60s robots? I had no idea.
[robotic voice]
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: "I am a storm trooper. I was a built by, uh, Felix the Cat."