Emma Roberts credited as playing...
Chanel Oberlin
- Pete Diller: Uh, welcome to the Grind. What can I get started for you?
- Chanel Oberlin: [to Ms. Bean] You don't want anything, do you?
- [to Pete]
- Chanel Oberlin: I'll have a Trenta, no foam, five-shot half-caf, no foam pumpkin spice latte with no foam at 210 degrees.
- Pete Diller: First of all, that's really hot. That's two degrees below boiling.
- Chanel Oberlin: I'm sorry, did I enter a wormhole to a universe where this coffeehouse does not possess the technology to heat my favorite autumnal tradition to 210 degrees? I like my pumpkin spice lattes extra hot, so please comply with my request.
- Pete Diller: But extra hot is 170 degrees.
- Chanel Oberlin: I'm sorry, does your job description entail arguing with your customers, thereby delaying the moment at which they receive the irresistible nutmeggy sweetness of the extra hot, no foam, pumpkin spice latte they've been thinking about all day? I mean, God!
- Pete Diller: [to Ms. Bean] Ma'am, what would you like?
- Chanel Oberlin: She doesn't want anything! She wants you to start making my extra hot, no foam, pumpkin spice latte!
- Grace: I'm Grace Gardener!
- Chanel Oberlin: You have rough hands. And horrible shoes. Are you Amish or something?
- Chanel Oberlin: She's dead!
- Grace: Well, of course she's dead, you just burned her face off!
- Chanel Oberlin: Shut up! You don't die from getting your face burned off.
- Zayday Williams: Yes, you do!
- Grace: You are an awful person.
- Chanel Oberlin: Maybe, but I'm rich and I'm pretty so it doesn't really matter.
- Grace Gardner: There's a dead woman in your kitchen!
- Chanel Oberlin: Miss Bean was a servant, she knew the risks!
- Chanel Oberlin: Gay Jimmy Olsen over here got a little obsessed with me last year. I still have the fifteen thousand text messages he sent me. I had to get a restraining order.
- Pete Martinez: I was a freshman and I had a crush, okay? I tend to get a bit passionate about things. You intentionally led me on, you kept acting like you liked me just so you could humiliate me.
- Chanel Oberlin: What was I supposed to do? True Tori was over, I was bored.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Now, I'm not sure your aware, but I'm no longer associate dean. After Dean Reynolds' unfortunate passing over the summer, I was promoted to her position.
- Chanel Oberlin: Well, that sure sounds suspicious.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Yes, I snuck into the home of my 80-year-old colleague of twenty years, dropped a transistor radio in her bathtub so I could get a 5% raise.
- Chanel Oberlin: Good morning, slits.
- Chanel #2, Chanel #3, Chanel #5: [in unison] Good morning, Chanel.
- Chanel Oberlin: If Dean Munsch gets her way, Kappa's gonna be filled with fatties and ethnics. The fatties will bring their big ol' appetites and you know what those ethnics will bring with them? Weird spices from their home countries. That is a nuclear combination, Miss Bean! The weird ethnic spices will send the fatties racing to the bathroom to blow liquid fire out of their huge, swollen bowels. Think of the splashback! Think of the undersides of all of the toilets that you're gonna have to sanitize, Miss Bean!
- Chad Radwell: Hold up, are you saying dead bodies don't turn you on?
- Chanel Oberlin: Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying!
- Chad Radwell: You are so lame, you know that? God, I love all that death stuff. I got my first boner watching Faces of Death.
- Chanel #3: There's no reason we shouldn't call the police.
- Chanel Oberlin: Are you kidding me, #3? What are we gonna tell them? That we burned Miss Bean's face off, thought she was dead, hid the body, then it came back to life and stabbed Chanel #2 while we were all in the house? They're never gonna believe that. That is an insane story!
- Dean Cathy Munsch: This is the final police report on the assault of your presidential predecessor at Kappa, Melanie Dorkus.
- Chanel Oberlin: That girl was a bitch, who thought she was all that because her family founded the Olive Garden and she had no gag reflex.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Now Dean Reynolds' over-sight of Greek life at this school was so negligent that it bordered on the criminal, and Kappa is the source of rampant reports of alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, racism, as well as allegations of bestiality...
- Chanel Oberlin: No one forced that goat to get as drunk it got! That's on him.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: But all of it is like children playing in a sandbox compared to the horrors that occurred at Kappa last spring.
- Chanel Oberlin: Do you think you like to munch box because your last name is Munsch, or is that just a coincidence?
- Chanel Oberlin: These are my minions. I don't know their names. I don't *want* to know their names. They are known as...
- Chanel #2: Chanel number two.
- Chanel #3: Chanel number three.
- Chanel #5: Chanel number five.
- Chanel Oberlin: I'm Chanel number one, obvi. There was a Chanel number four, but she got meningitis. She was like, "I'm sick, I have to go home,"and I was like "No, stay", but she went home anyway and then she died. So another thing I was right about.
- Melanie Dorkess: My main problem with you, Chanel, is that you're short. And historically short people are sneaky back-stabbers like Napoleon or Paul Shaffer.
- Chanel Oberlin: I asked, but the dry cleaner said that they couldn't rush the clothes. I'm so sorry.
- Melanie Dorkess: I'm not finished. I could actually handle that you're built like a Thai ladyboy, but what I can't stand is that you think you're my heir apparent.
- Chanel Oberlin: If this is our pledge class, I'm killing myself... and then Munsch. Look at them, they're the dregs of society. I can't believe this. Each one of these gashes is worse than the next.