Emma Roberts credited as playing...
Chanel Oberlin
- Chanel Oberlin: [planning her Halloween party] Okay, music. Go.
- Hester Ulrich: I contacted Adam Levine, and Maroon 5 is in.
- Chanel Oberlin: Great. Go.
- Chanel #3: Okay, well, the good news is I talked to Fergie's agent, and she's in. The bad news is, and this is totally on me, but I Googled "Fergie's agent", and ended up talking to this British guy before I realized his client was actually Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, so... my bad, both Fergies are coming.
- Chanel Oberlin: So stupid. But go.
- Chanel #5: Okay, so, um... I wasn't able to get Led Zeppelin.
- Chanel Oberlin: What?
- Chanel #5: Well, apparently, one of them died or something.
- Chanel Oberlin: Damn it, Number Five. Do you have any idea what's at stake here? If this Black Hairy Tongue Pumpkin Patch Maze Concert isn't the biggest thing to ever happen to this campus, I will lose the Kappa House presidency, and Chad Radwell will dump me.
- Chanel #5: Okay, well, it's not my fault that some guy died in the '70s.
- Chanel Oberlin: Excuse me, then whose fault is it? Mine? I am *tired* of your excuses, #5. I am *tired* of your sad sack "I'm a total downer all the time" schtick! I asked you to reunite *one* legendary rock-and-roll outfit so that guys will show up to my patch, and you're all like "Oh, some guy died!"
- [stamps her high-heeled foot]
- Chanel Oberlin: I'm over it!
- [storms off, then turns back]
- Chanel Oberlin: We still have one more thing to do!
- [minions follow eagerly]
- Chanel #5: [Chanel Oberlin is showing the other Chanels her Jackie Kennedy Halloween costume] Oh my God! Why are you so depressed?
- Chanel Oberlin: My husband was shot in Dallas, idiot! For this year's Halloween, the Chanels will be going as the wives of fallen presidents. I am Jackie Kennedy. Number Six, you will be going as the emotionally fragile Ida McKinley, whose husband was felled by an anarchist's bullet.
- [Number Six nods]
- Chanel Oberlin: Number Three, you will be going as the homely and religious Lucretia Garfield, the bereaved wife of President James Garfield.
- Chanel #3: Hold up. No way. Why do I have to be the homely one?
- Chanel Oberlin: There's only so many murdered presidents, Number Three!
- Chanel #3: What about Mary Todd Lincoln?
- Chanel Oberlin: Number Five is Lady Lincoln, obvi.
- Chanel #5: Wait, what do you mean "obvi"?
- Chanel Oberlin: [Pointing at Chanel #5] Just a second, nutbag.
- [to Chanel #3]
- Chanel Oberlin: If you're gonna be a pain about it, I guess we could open it up to presidents who were *almost* assassinated. So, you can either be Betty Ford, which means you'll have to get wasted and stay wasted all night or you can be alleged Hollywood mattress, Nancy Reagan.
- Chanel #3: Dibs. I'm Nancy Reagan.
- Chanel #5: Wait. Why am I Mary Todd Lincoln?
- Chanel Oberlin: God, do I have to spell it out for you? You're out of your frigging gourd, Number 5. You're a weird, psycho lunatic, who's gonna end up in an asylum somewhere, staring at a wall, trying to nurse a watering can. You're a Mary Todd Lincoln if ever there was one.
- Chanel #5: That's it! I can't take this anymore!
- Chanel Oberlin: That is *such* a Mary Todd Lincoln thing to say.
- Chanel Oberlin: As you all know by now, Dean Munsch has decided to cancel Halloween. My daddy's lawyer said there wasn't enough time to file an injunction, and that I clearly don't understand what an injunction is if I asked him to file one in this situation.
- Hester Ulrich: Did you kill him? Because if you did, you need to tell us all of the details, including what his eyes looked like when he took his last breath. They say in that moment, the soul tells all of its secrets.
- Chanel Oberlin: No, THEY don't. No one says that!
- Hester Ulrich: Yeah, they do.
- [thinking, after getting arrested]
- Chanel Oberlin: Oh, my God, I'm burping uncontrollably like Robert Durst! They'll know I'm guilty!
- Chanel Oberlin: You know, I've never thought of myself as a killer. But I am seriously considering ramming this pick into the back of your eye socket.
- [as the little blonde cowers:]
- Chanel Oberlin: Or you can elect... a different punishment. Go get that pumpkin patch ready!
- Chanel #5: There's a curfew tonight, okay? The killer's obviously gonna be out!
- Chanel Oberlin: Maybe you'll get your head sawed off. I can't think of a better Chaneloween treat than that.
- Chanel #5: [shakes her head] You're a psychopath, Chanel. I'm not doing it!
- Chanel Oberlin: Interesting. Well, fine then. I guess I'll just have to resort to Plan B. I'll show Roger and Dodger video proof that their *hot* new girlfriend regularly rubbed it out in her room while watching Dora The Explorer.
- Chanel #5: You have cameras in my room?
- Chanel Oberlin: I have eyes everywhere, bitch! And the name of my future perfume is Revenge.
- [as #5 capitulates:]
- Chanel Oberlin: Remember, I want candles in *every* jack-o'-lantern!
- [walks away]