- Mr. Peanutbutter: All I ever wanted was to be your friend. And you treat me like a big joke. You think I don't notice? Why don't you like me?
- BoJack Horseman: Mr. Peanutbutter...
- Mr. Peanutbutter: No, tell me.
- BoJack Horseman: Because... I'm jealous.
- Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh. Of what? Diane?
- BoJack Horseman: No. Of everything. Everything comes so easy for you.
- Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, and it doesn't for you? You're a millionaire movie star with a girlfriend who loves you, acting in your dream movie. What more do you want? What else could the universe possible owe you?
- BoJack Horseman: I... want... to feel good about myself. The way you do. And I don't know how. I don't know if I can.
- Wanda Pierce: Hey did something exciting just happen because people on the app, and I quote, 'are losing their tits'. Oh wait, I stumbled onto a cancer support message board.
- Mia McKibbin: Have fun watching me win that pen.
- Todd Chavez: I don't need a pen. I can walk into any Chili's with a child under 12 and get crayons for free.
- Mr. Peanutbutter: BoJack, what is the average annual rainfall in Bora Bora?
- BoJack Horseman: Uh, this is general knowledge?
- Mr. Peanutbutter: It's just an average we're asking for.
- BoJack Horseman: I don't know. Seven?
- Mr. Peanutbutter: Wrong! So wrong. Wow, when it comes to Bora Bora, maybe this celebrity should have studied more-a more-a.
- Wanda Pierce: Mr. Peanutbutter!
- Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, hey Wanda.
- Wanda Pierce: I'm only half paying attention to whatever you two are arguing about but it's killer! Now all we need is a happy ending.
- Mr. Peanutbutter: I don't think we can just resolve everything cleanly in a half-hour.
- Wanda Pierce: Uh, this is network television. So resolving everything cleanly in a half-hour is kind of what we do. You want to host a game show where everyone feels bad at the end?
- [with increasing force in her voice]
- Wanda Pierce: You can get in your little car, drive to Santa Monica and pitch it to AMC. But these people want resolution, okay? So you get your little butt back on that stage and you resolve.
- BoJack Horseman: You didn't tell me there would be another celebrity.
- Wanda Pierce: Well, I had no idea that was coming. But some guy named Dong-Slinger420 loved the surprise. He said, "Two dongs way up."
- J.D. Salinger: Okay, this is it, everybody. Moment of truth. Now it's in the hands of God. And for the next 30 minutes, I am that God.
- BoJack Horseman: So there was no mention of another bigger celebrity in the document you faxed me?
- Wanda Pierce: Oh, I couldn't read it. My fax machine cut it up into little strips.
- BoJack Horseman: That sounds like a shredder.
- Wanda Pierce: Yeah well, I guess I shredded it to you.
- Mia McKibbin: Should we cut to commercial?
- J.D. Salinger: Would Homer cut away from Odysseus's journey just as he was being enticed by the siren's song?
- Mia McKibbin: No?
- J.D. Salinger: Well, there you are.
- Mr. Peanutbutter: No wonder my wife had to write your book for you.
- BoJack Horseman: Hey, yeah, you know, while we're talking about your wife, I've got a question. How come your wife flew all the way to war-torn Cordovia just to get away from you?
- Mr. Peanutbutter: That's not what happened. She went to help people.
- BoJack Horseman: Or maybe she went to help herself get away from her awful marriage. Oh, was that too far?
- Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh-ho, you want to get into things?
- BoJack Horseman: Well, I mean...
- Mr. Peanutbutter: No, no, no, no, no. Let's get into things. Let's get real. Everybody, BoJack wants to get real. Cancel the Bubble Round. Because we're getting real.
- J.D. Salinger: Todd, stay out of hair and makeup.
- Todd Chavez: But I like it in there. They brush my hair and tell me stories about their weekends.
- J.D. Salinger: Big-nosed Todd want funny, Zombie Todd wasn't funny, Pretty Lady Todd wasn't funny, and this isn't funny. No more Tom-foolery.
- Todd Chavez: When it's me, we call it "Todd-foolery."
- Todd Chavez: Hello, I am Mustache Todd. Like regular Todd, but with a mustache.
- Mia McKibbin: Listen, Boo Boo. I didn't graduate first in my class from a prestigious university, rise through the ranks at an elite news organization, win a well-known award, never ever be sick at sea, and also my name is Mia McKibben, so that I could deal with your nonsense.