T.J. Miller: Weasel

Deadpool 2

Weasel

Weasel: And last but not least... Peter.
Deadpool: Any power you wanna tell us about?
Peter: I don't... I don't have one. Um, I just saw the ad.
Deadpool: No superpowers at all?
Peter: Uh, I have both type 1 and 2 diabetes.
Deadpool: Ow! Oh!
Weasel: That's all the diabetes.
Deadpool: Right. Yeah, you got them all. If you find a type 3, let us know. Yeah. You're in.

Cable: Relax, I'm retrieving something from my utility bag.
Weasel: It's a god-damn fanny pack and you know it, you sick son of a bitch! The difference is night and day.

Weasel: Meet Bedlam.
Deadpool: Cool name. Superpowers?
Bedlam: I can distort electrical fields. Including the one inside your brain, causing anxiety, confusion, pain.
Deadpool: So, basically, you're Dave Matthews.

Wade Wilson: George Michael was right. I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck! He's dead, too. At least we still have Bowie.
Weasel: Yeah, we still...
[looks over at Dopinder, he nods and winks at him]
Weasel: ... have Bowie.

[after Wade's legs were torn off, they're growing back and look like toddler legs. Weasel walks in on him sitting on the couch with no pants on next to Blind Al]
Weasel: Why wouldn't you cover that up?
Wade Wilson: A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.
Weasel: Yeah, but you do. I mean, look at you, you're just straight shirt-cocking it? Toddler style?
Wade Wilson: Oh yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh.
Blind Al: The hell's happening? Describe it.
Wade Wilson: I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you.
Weasel: It's like, um...
Wade Wilson: Here we go.
Weasel: It's like he was giving birth anally but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out and said "You know what? I'm done."
Wade Wilson: [to Blind Al] Happy?
Weasel: It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down, but this time, you can see the Muppet's dick. Grover's got a cock the size of a...
[Dopinder comes in]
Dopinder: AH! Oh, no, no, no, DP, not again.
Weasel: This has happened before?
[Dopinder starts gagging]
Weasel: Jesus, either vomit or don't. The indecision is killing me.
Blind Al: Why couldn't God take my hearing?

Deadpool: Just once, I gonna to find a planet where people are worse than me at everything, a whole bunch of functional idiots. I'm gonna go there and be their Superman.
Weasel: Isn't that Canada?
Deadpool: You shut your goddamn trash mouth!

Weasel: [to Wade] Go home. You've been here for three days, okay? You smell like somebody shit in a civil war wound after it'd become gangrenous. They should've just amputated it, why shit in it? Doesn't make any sense.

Dopinder: I could be of great use.
Wade Wilson: What's your superpower?
Dopinder: [thinks, then smiles] Courage.
Wade Wilson: That's adorable.
Weasel: Do you have the courage to check and see if there are enough sanitary napkins in the DISPENSER?
Dopinder: [quietly] Yes.

Zeitgeist: I'm Zeitgeist.
Deadpool: Cool. I'd like to say you have the power to put your finger on the... pulse of society?
Zeitgeist: No... No, I spit acidic vomit.
Deadpool: Oh.
Zeitgeist: You want me to demonstrate?
Deadpool: No, thank you.
Weasel: We'll take your word for it.
Deadpool: Yeah, listen, we've all eaten at Arby's. Okay?

Weasel: I'm gonna stop you right there cause I'm not gonna make it to two. I won't even make it to one. I don't do well with pain, you know. I stub my toe I'm... done for the day. I cried when they cancelled Felicity. When I get really scared I get nervous erections. I have one right now. Don't look, it'll only make it worse. I don't want you to hurt me and I'll tell you anything, anything you wanna know... except for where they are.

Weasel: I'll tell you why I'm here. "The Time Traveler's Wife's" husband beat me within an inch of my life. He was torturing me! But all I told him was everything he wanted to know. So, I'm here to help us gear up so we can go after him without me.