Scott Grimes credited as playing...
Lt. Gordon Malloy
- John LaMarr: Hey, what's up?
- Gordon Malloy: Hey, man, come on in.
- John LaMarr: Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
- Gordon Malloy: Translation, you want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
- John LaMarr: Something like that.
- Gordon Malloy: Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
- John LaMarr: Okay, well so am I, so this is gonna work out great.
- Ed Mercer: You knew what Arbor Day was, right?
- Kelly Grayson: I mean, actually, I had to think a second. Kind of confusing.
- Ed Mercer: Nobody knows what Arbor Day is.
- Bortus: No.
- Alara Kitan: No.
- Dr. Aronov: I knew.
- Ed Mercer: Well, what would you have said?
- Kelly Grayson: I would have said... "You got wood."
- Gordon Malloy: [the crew laughs] Yeah. Yes.
- Ed Mercer: Yeah, that is better, isn't it?
- Gordon Malloy: So, how many ships in the fleet these days?
- Ed Mercer: About 3,000, spread over the whole quadrant. Which, when you think about the size of the galaxy, is actually not...
- [seeing Gordon taking a swig of something]
- Ed Mercer: What is that? Is that a beer?
- Gordon Malloy: Yeah.
- Ed Mercer: You're drinking a beer?
- Gordon Malloy: Yeah, I'm nervous. You know, it's a new ship, want to make a good impression.
- Ed Mercer: It's 9:15 in the morning.
- Ed Mercer: [seeing the Orville] Is that it? It's not bad, right?
- Gordon Malloy: No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe, like, a rainbow unicorn, you got something.
- John LaMarr: So, I heard you've been out of commission for a minute.
- Gordon Malloy: Well, not out of commission, but, uh, definitely kept on desk duty.
- John LaMarr: Well, what'd you do? I mean, your piloting skills are kind of legendary. How'd you get suspended?
- Gordon Malloy: I let my cousin shoot a porno in the back of a shuttle in exchange for some pills.
- John LaMarr: W-wait. No. R-really?
- Gordon Malloy: [laughs] Man, look at your face. No, no, no. I did a... I did a manual override on a tricky shuttle docking and sheared off a cargo bay door. Yeah, nobody was hurt, but 300 crates of authentic autumn squash were sucked into space.
- John LaMarr: Well, that's a lot of damn squash.
- Gordon Malloy: Yeah. I was trying to impress a girl.
- Gordon Malloy: I've never been to the Epsilon Science Station. What's it like?
- Bortus: Epsilon 2 is an outpost devoted exclusively to scientific inquiry.
- Ed Mercer: Researchers from all over the galaxy petition to work there.
- Gordon Malloy: Really? Wow. Any good bars?
- Bortus: I will investigate.
- Ed Mercer: No, Bortus, you don't have to investigate that.
- Bortus: I have already obtained the information.
- Ed Mercer: Oh.
- Bortus: Shall I withhold it?
- Ed Mercer: No, you can tell us.
- Bortus: There are no bars.
- Gordon Malloy: How about strip clubs?
- Ed Mercer: Gordon.
- Gordon Malloy: Sorry.
- Bortus: There are no strip clubs.
- Gordon Malloy: Whoa. Hey.
- Kelly Grayson: Hi, there.
- Gordon Malloy: I was just on my way to the john.
- Kelly Grayson: Well, I'm... I'm glad I bumped into you. Do you have a second?
- Gordon Malloy: Sure. I can hold it.
- Isaac: [the Orville is under attack] Deflectors at half power.
- Gordon Malloy: Sir, I think I can buy us some time 'till we can get the landing party back. Let me wing it here?
- Bortus: Proceed.
- Gordon Malloy: This is something I call "hugging the donkey".
- John LaMarr: You can hug the donkey?
- Gordon Malloy: Dude, I've been hugging the donkey since flight school.
- Ed Mercer: All right, Lieutenant Alara Kitan, our chief of security.
- Alara Kitan: Yes, sir.
- Ed Mercer: You're Xelayan, right?
- Alara Kitan: I am, sir.
- Gordon Malloy: Wait. Don't you guys have, like, super strength?
- Alara Kitan: Xelaya's gravitational pull is high compared to the planetary average, so, yes, in Earth normal gravity, my physical strength is elevated.
- Ed Mercer: Lieutenant, how old are you?
- Alara Kitan: 23.
- Ed Mercer: You're 23, and you're chief of security on a starship?
- Alara Kitan: Xelayans don't usually join the military, so when one of us does, the Union generally fast-tracks us.
- Ed Mercer: Well, I'm... I'm sure they know what they're doing.
- Isaac: The captain does not appear to be pleased at the arrival of his first officer. Why is this?
- Gordon Malloy: 'Cause she's a total bitch.
- Alara Kitan: Do you know her?
- Gordon Malloy: Oh, yeah. They were married.
- Alara Kitan: No way.
- Gordon Malloy: She cheated on him.
- John LaMarr: Aw, damn, that's cold.
- Gordon Malloy: Yeah, so this should be a really fun trip for all of us.
- Isaac: Your description of the occurrence indicates unpleasantness, yet you believe it will be fun.
- Gordon Malloy: I was being sarcastic. It's gonna suck.
- Isaac: Suck?
- Gordon Malloy: Yeah, suck. You know, like, ass, balls.
- Alara Kitan: What he means is if you don't already drink, you should probably start.
- Ed Mercer: Dr. Aronov, this is Captain Ed Mercer. We're about to start sending down your supplies.
- Dr. Aronov: Actually, Captain, we... we don't need any supplies.
- Ed Mercer: I... I don't understand. You requested these supplies yourself, yeah?
- Dr. Aronov: I did. I'm sorry. I... I wouldn't have lied unless I had to. Please, come down to the surface. I will explain everything.
- Kelly Grayson: [the transmission ends] This is really strange.
- Ed Mercer: Yeah, it's a great way to start things off. Bortus, you have the conn. Lieutenant, you're with us.
- John LaMarr: [Ed, Kelly, and Alara leave] Did you see that dog in the background licking his balls?
- Gordon Malloy: First thing I saw.
- Ed Mercer: All right, Commander, you win. We'll send you the device by remote shuttle. When you receive it, we'll transmit the activation code.
- Krill Captain: Do not take long.
- Ed Mercer: We won't.
- Gordon Malloy: [about Kelly] Maybe she's not such a bitch.
- Ed Mercer: All right, Commander. You have it.
- Krill Captain: Excellent. Now, give me the activation code.
- Ed Mercer: The code is six, alpha, nine, three, seven, alpha, three, zero, zero. Happy Arbor Day.
- [when the device is activated, the Krill ship is destroyed by a growing redwood]
- Gordon Malloy: Wait. What's Arbor Day?
- Ed Mercer: It's the holiday where you plant the trees.
- John LaMarr: I wouldn't have gotten that.
- Gordon Malloy: Oh, yeah. No, I didn't get that, either.
- Bortus: Well done, Lieutenant.
- Gordon Malloy: Sir, since I pulled that off, can I please wear shorts to work?
- Bortus: I've already said no.