GLOW (TV Series)

Money's in the Chase (2017)

Christopher Lowell: Bash Howard

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Arthie does a senton bomb on Rhonda] 

  Bash : Holy Toledo! Beirut's signature move, the Lebanese Cannonball!

  [Arthie celebrates when she notices a group of angry men at ringside] 

  Spitter : Fuck you, terrorist!

  [spits chewing tobacco at Arthie] 

  Bash : Oh! Uh, and we've got some animated fans in the audience.

  Angry Dude #1 : Dirty towelhead!

  Angry Guy #2 : Fuck you!

  [confused look in Arthie's face] 

  Bash : And it looks like evil's winning today.

  Angry Guy #2 : Go back to the Middle East, dune coon!

  [Angry fan throws a beer can at Arthie. Arthie dodges it, but it hits Rhonda in the forehead] 

  Bash : Oh! We've got a beer drinker here tonight, folks.

  Angry Guy #2 : Fuck you!

  Bash : That's okay. We're all having a good time.

  [Keith checks the wound on Rhonda's forehead before confronting the fans] 

  Keith : What the fuck is your problem, man? Y'all got to go!

  Angry Dude #1 : Screw you!

  Keith : You don't want me to come out! I will fuck you up, baldy! And you, Gregg Allman!

• [the ladies enter the Hayworth ballroom and notice the ring and seats] 

  Melanie Rosen : Holy shit. Okay, this is real. There are cameras.

  Dawn Rivecca : Does anyone else feel the need to pee and puke at the same time?

  Stacey Beswick : Yeah.

  Tammé Dawson : How are we gonna fill all these seats?

  Bash : Oh, hey, ladies.

  [Bash crawls in the ring] 

  Bash : What do you think, huh? Me and Florian and some of the bellhops have been working on it all morning. Check this out.

  [Bash grabs the microphone] 

  Bash : Are you ready to rumble?

  [loud feedback from mic] 

  Bash : Check.

  Ruth Wilder : We gotta deal with that mic. Sheila?

  Sheila the She-Wolf : Yep. Sound. I'm on it.

  [Sheila approaches the ring] 

  Bruce : Uh, hey, is the director around? We gotta position these tripods.

  Ruth Wilder : Oh, no. No, no, no, no no. No tripods. Sorry.

  Arturo : The network said they want to keep it simple.

  Ruth Wilder : Well, the director's going for something a little, uh... different, you know? Uh, he wants the shots to feel... visceral.

  Bruce : So, handheld.

  Ruth Wilder : Yes, exactly. Move around with us, uh, pace the perimeter of the ring, both of you.

  Bruce : Look, if we're both on the perimeter of the ring, you're gonna see at least one of us in every shot.

  Ruth Wilder : You'll figure it out.

• Carmen Wade : It's really big.

  Jenny Chey : Yeah.

  Ruth Wilder : We got this. Even if we totally change our lineup, we know the moves. And, we still have two hours to figure everything else out. That's plenty of time. And... And look. Sam said he'd get us pink ropes, he got us pink ropes.

  Melanie Rosen : Loving the pink ropes, buddy!

  Bash : Right? Arr!

  [Bash shakes the top rope, which suddenly breaks off in one corner] 

  Ruth Wilder : Let's go find the dressing room. Just follow me.

• Bash : Whoo! All right. Those mics are hotter than Kelly LeBrock. Where's Sam? Does he wanna test the levels?

  Ruth Wilder : Uh, Sam had a family emergency.

  Bash : What? He doesn't have any family.

  Ruth Wilder : That's the emergency. So, we're gonna need you to announce.

  [pause] 

  Ruth Wilder : I know. It's kind of a curveball, but...

  Bash : No. I brought my tuxedo. I... I was born for this moment.

  Ruth Wilder : Great. Uh, so, I wrote all your lines...

  Bash : Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm probably gonna embroider these a tad, okay? But, uh... Whoa. Since when does this thing end with a, a tag-team match?

• Bash : Are you ready? Welcome to the world premiere of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrest...

  [loud feedback on mic] 

  Bash : Goddamnit.

  [pause] 

  Bash : Welcome to the world premiere of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling! Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. We're about to begin our live taping. Ignore the cameras. Uh, uh, cheer, boo, stand up. Be a part of our show.

• Bash : Fun fact: Britannica's brain is four pounds heavier than the average girl. And with her, as always, is her trusted GLOW-bot.

  Rhonda Richardson : Thanks a bunch, GLOW-bot.

  [Rhonda grabs her book from GLOW-bot before entering the ring] 

  Rhonda Richardson : Oh, no! I dropped my book!

  Bash : And her opponent today, from the dusty, dangerous deserts of Lebanon, the terrorist Beirut!

  [Arthie dances while entering the ring] 

  Bash : Oh, look at that dirty sand rat! She's come to kill. Be warned: she'll do anything to win. She'll hijack this whole dang match if she has to!

  [Arthie enters the ring] 

  Bash : Here she is, stepping into the ring. But here comes Britannica, a genius in and out of the ring! Brains, beauty, brawn. Triple threat!

• Ruth Wilder : [Russian accent]  Please. You love to hate me! Russia is supreme world leader!

  Bash : And here comes the Crown.

  [Florian enters the ring with the GLOW Crown] 

  Ruth Wilder : [Russian accent]  I am victorious. No one can defeat Zoya! Everyone here is too much sissy! Okay?

  Debbie Eagan : I'll fight you!

  Bash : Who's that? Who's that yelling from the audience?

  Debbie Eagan : You heard me. I said I'll fight you.

  Ruth Wilder : [Russian accent]  Who, you? Bored housewife in dress?

  Debbie Eagan : Yeah. I am a proud American mother. And I refuse to raise my children in a world without freedom. And I'm ready to kick your Soviet ass all the way back to Siberia.

  [Debbie rips her dress to reveal a wrestling outfit underneath and hands it to Mark] 

  Bash : Look at this brave American.

  Debbie Eagan : Honey, will you just hold this? If this is too silly for you, you can leave.

  [Debbie enters the ring] 

  Bash : This gorgeous stranger is taking on Zoya for the Crown!

• Bash : Welcome back to the second half of our show, ladies and gentlemen. From the South Side of Chicago, and the Ubamba Province of Peru, respectively, Welfare Queen and Machu Picchu!

  [Carmen nervously takes off her hat, then trembles as she sees Tammé approach her] 

  Tammé Dawson : Smells like donkey doo in here. Mm!

  Bash : Looks like Machu's got, uh... just a touch of the infamous Peruvian jungle fever. Will she recover in time to fight, uh, Welfare Queen... this liberal leech, this, uh, parasite on our economy?

  Goliath Jackson : Machu! Machu! Machu! Machu! Machu! Machu!

  [crowd chants with Goliath] 

  Bash : And the crowd is chanting. Machu! Machu! Machu! Machu!

  [Carmen regains her confidence and charges at Tammé] 

  Bash : I can't believe it! The fever has broken, and Machu grabs Welfare Queen!

  [Carmen misses Tammé, and Tammé splashes her] 

  Bash : Welfare Queen is pulling something out of her costume. What is that? Is that...? It's food stamps!

  Tammé Dawson : I get so much money from the government, I just throw it away!

  [Tammé shoves the food stamps in Carmen's mouth] 

  Bash : Oh, my goodness! She is literally shoving her socialist welfare policy down Machu's throat!

  [Tammé grabs Carmen in a sleeper hold] 

  Tammé Dawson : Y'all afraid of me, right? Do you believe what President Reagan says? That I'm cheating the system?

  Bash : I think Welfare Queen is trying to bore Machu into submission. And it's working!

  [Carmen gets up and reverses the sleeper hold into a stunner, sending Tammé to one corner before Carmen splashes her. She kicks Tammé and places her in a headlock] 

  Carmen Wade : Come on! Come on!

  [Tammé reverses the move into a spinebuster] 

  Bash : She's down! Machu needs to get up, or this fight is over.

  [Carmen looks at Goliath from the crowd] 

  Goliath Jackson : Come on. You got this!

  [Carmen grabs Tammé from the second rope and powerbombs her] 

  Bash : And she finished her off with a powerbomb! Unbelievable! The Incan giant has won! Goodness prevails! Justice has been restored! Yes!

• [Debbie lands the flying cross body for the pin] 

  Bash : This match is over, folks!

  Debbie Eagan : [whispers]  You okay?

  Ruth Wilder : [whispers]  You flew! It was epic! Go get your Crown!

  Bash : Zoya's been destroya'd! I can't believe it! I can't believe it, folks! Just when I thought I'd seen it all, a young country girl jumps out of the stands, into the ring, winning it all!

  [Bash enters the ring] 

  Bash : Honey, what's your name?

  Debbie Eagan : [Southern accent]  My name... My name is Liberty Belle. And I'm just a small-town girl, trying to do the right thing, the thing that any American girl would do in the face of evil, and that, no matter how... I'm so overwhelmed! Thank you all!

  [Bash hands the GLOW Crown to Debbie] 

  Bash : It's a beautiful moment on a beautiful day. There's your crown, sweetheart. Like a princess.

• Debbie Eagan : Are we sure this is the right channel?

  Cherry Bang : Yes.

  Melanie Rosen : Yes.

  Arthie Premkumar : Are people gonna like it? What if no one watches? What if it turns out we can't wrestle, and we only thought we could. I don't wanna watch.

  [Arthie tries to get up] 

  Ruth Wilder : Shh, shh. It's starting!

  Bash : [from TV]  Bash Howard Productions and Patio Town Inc. proudly present, From the Hayworth Hotel in Los Angeles, California, It's GLOW, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling!

• Bash : And now, the final showdown for the first ever GLOW Crown! In one corner, from Bolshevik Russia and the rice paddies of China, respectively, at a combined weight of 227 pounds, Zoya the Destroya and Fortune Cookie!

  [Ruth and Jenny enter the ring] 

  Bash : The red menace is certainly looking menacing tonight, folks. And here come their opponents. From the Sunshine Senior Living Facility in Las Vegas, Nevada, at a combined weight of... Aw, who the heck cares? It's Edna and Ethel Rosenblatt, a.k.a. The Beatdown Biddies!

  Stacey Beswick : Thank you!

  Dawn Rivecca : Are you cheering? I can't hear you! Is it because I'm deaf?

  Bash : Don't be fooled. These are two tough ladies. They lived through the Great Depression, World War II, poodle skirts, menopause. They're so old, their wrinkles got wrinkles!

  Stacey Beswick : Don't clap for us. We're undecided!

  Dawn Rivecca : You can't fight me, because I'm old!

  Stacey Beswick : Yeah!

  Ruth Wilder : [Russian accent]  Oh, I don't care about that. I will knock your dentures out.

  Stacey Beswick : Oh, joke's on you. I got implants!

  Jenny Chey : Hey, shut up, you weak, geriatrical-type person!

  Bash : And so far, it's just insults. Let's see if this Cold War will start heating up soon.

  Dawn Rivecca : I don't feel like wrestling.

  Stacey Beswick : I wrestled last time.

  Bash : Looks like the Biddies are deciding on who will fight first. Oh!

  [Ruth and Jenny attack Dawn and Stacey] 

  Bash : But Zoya the Destroya and Fortune Cookie have pounced on their opponents! The rules have completely gone out the window! Wow, these girls are really disrespecting the elderly.

  Stacey Beswick : I love you, but not that much.

  [Ruth slingshots Jenny, but Dawn and Stacey clothesline her before attacking Ruth] 

  Bash : The Biddies are making a comeback! Their osteoporosis is in remission, and they're on the attack! And this is not a good day for communism. Fortune Cookie just head-scissored Ethel out of the ring! Fortune Cookie and Zoya are kicking Edna out on her side. Oh, my goodness. It looks like the evil empire has prevailed! Russia and China are tonight's winners!

  [Ruth and Jenny shake hands, but Ruth suddenly shoves Keith and grabs Jenny] 

  Bash : What's this? Looks like Zoya's turning on her partner! She is! She's hammerlocking her. And now it's Russia versus China! The Sino-Soviet split is alive and well, here in California!

  [Ruth suplexes Jenny and pins her] 

  Bash : A suplex! I can't believe it! Zoya has read Fortune Cookie her fortune, and it says, 'Loser'! China is out, folks. Russia's not sharing that crown with anyone!

• [as Debbie puts on the GLOW Crown, Tammé slides in the ring and grabs it from her. She then grabs the mic] 

  Tammé Dawson : You want this crown back? You fight me for it!

  Debbie Eagan : Tammé, it's fine. It's over.

  Tammé Dawson : Guess not. Sam changed it.

  [faces the crowd] 

  Tammé Dawson : America, you have turned your back on me long enough! You've ghettoized my people, trapped us in an endless cycle of poverty. Not anymore. Tonight, I take back what I deserve!

  [Tammé grabs Debbie in an airplane spin] 

  Bash : It's all gone topsy-turvy, folks! Welfare Queen's stolen the Crown, and she's helicoptering Liberty Belle! I'm just saying that I'm seeing, and I can't believe what I'm seeing!

  [Tammé slams Debbie down and shoves Bash out of the ring] 

  Bash : And the ref's ready to call it! We've got a new champion! I don't know how it happened, but here we are, folks!

  Debbie Eagan : What the fuck?

  Bash : Welfare Queen is tonight's Queen of the Ring! The Crown is hers!

  [the other ladies enter the ring and brawl with each other] 

  Bash : That's our show, folks! That's all we got. Total pandemonium here at the Hayworth! Who will battle Welfare Queen for next week's Crown?