Andy Samberg credited as playing...
Jake Peralta
- Jake Peralta: Nuh-uh, I'm not gonna let the night shift win. Me and my main man Boyle are about to solve a case. Isn't that right, Charles?
- Charles Boyle: Oh, you know we will. We'll call ourselves the Night Boys.
- Jake Peralta: Kind of sounds like a male escort service.
- Charles Boyle: The Midnight Men.
- Jake Peralta: Even worse.
- Charles Boyle: The Dark Stallions.
- Jake Peralta: Looks like we're going with the Night Boys.
- Rosa Diaz: Night shift is boring. Listen to the cases I've had: Drunk and disorderly, drunk and disorderly, cyber crime...
- Jake Peralta: Ooh, cyber crime. Pretty cool.
- Rosa Diaz: Caught a drunk guy humping a laptop.
- Jake Peralta: [Jake stops a car, while in pursuit of a criminal] Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. NYPD. NYPD, I need to commandeer this vehicle.
- Jess Day: It's a crossover!
- [Jake looks at her in question]
- Jess Day: It's a crossover SUV, and you can't have it.
- Jake Peralta: I'm a cop, can you please get out of the car?
- Jess Day: No, this Schmidt's mom's car, and I'm more scared of her than I am of some two-bit thug.
- Jake Peralta: I'm not a thug, I'm police.
- Jess Day: Okay, then name one law.
- Jake Peralta: Don't kill people.
- Jess Day: That's on me, I set the bar too low.
- Jake Peralta: Look, can you please just get out?
- Jess Day: Okay, you can drive, but I'm not getting out.
- Jake Peralta: Right.
- Jess Day: Also, I have the seat warmer on, I don't just have a really hot butt.
- Jake Peralta: [Reacting to the gang's intervention, who are trying to give him a haircut] Wait, wait, okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I'll admit it.
- [sotto voce]
- Jake Peralta: I went too deep down there in Florida. At one point, I think I forgot where the tip of me ended, and the base of the tips began.
- Gina Linetti: I personally like the night shift. You know who else is up right now?
- Jake Peralta: Murderers? Armed robbers?
- Gina Linetti: [Australian accent] Australians. It's an whole new demographic for me to conquer.
- [normal voice]
- Gina Linetti: I already have the third most followers behind Iggy Azalea and the Perth Zoo Wallaby cam.
- Jake Peralta: [Jake and Charles try to solve a case by role-playing as two French burglars] But then, we hear a sound...
- Charles Boyle: ...and I yell, "Les gendarmes! Ils sont ici!"
- Jake Peralta: And I know what that means because I'm French, but I ask you to repeat it in English, just to be sure.
- Jake Peralta: Sure, yeah, not a problem we'll be home by sunup. Just like a couple of sexy "Twilight" vampires.
- [as Dracula]
- Jake Peralta: I am Robert Pattinson. I vant to turn into a bat.
- [normal voice]
- Jake Peralta: I've never seen the movies.
- Charles Boyle: No, me neither. They're an insult to the books.
- Jess Day: I can't believe this is happening. Thanks a lot, New York. You know what, if your city's so great, then how come it's not the state capital?
- Jake Peralta: What? Who cares about the state's capital? This is the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. That doesn't sound right - "where dreams are made of"?
- Jess Day: I don't know, you tell me. It's your dumb city.
- Jake Peralta: It's grammatically odd. Whatever, I'm sure wherever you're from has strange songs written about it, too.
- Jess Day: Los Angeles?
- Jake Peralta: Damn it, all the songs there are so good.
- Jake Peralta: [Apologizing to Boyle] Well, I kept talking about how I wanted everything to go back to normal, but if that actually happened, this little guy wouldn't be here. Or is he big? I don't know what size kids are supposed to be, or anything about kids, really.
- Jake Peralta: Damn it! They got away!
- Jess Day: Well, I spilled my soup! You tell me which is worse.
- Jake Peralta: My thing! Very clearly my thing!