Alison Brie: Ruth Wilder

Debbie Does Something

Ruth Wilder

[Sheila answers the phone]
Sheila the She-Wolf: Hello?
Stacey Beswick: I'm calling from Hellmann's Mayonnaise. Can you take a survey?
Sheila the She-Wolf: A survey?
Stacey Beswick: Yes, yes. Mm-hmm.
Sheila the She-Wolf: About mayonnaise?
Stacey Beswick: Yes, about mayonnaise.
Sheila the She-Wolf: I always have time for condiments.
Stacey Beswick: Perfect.
[Ruth walks out of the bathroom]
Ruth Wilder: Oh, that shower is the best.
Sheila the She-Wolf: No, I'm quite fastidious about following instructions on the label. Personal lubricant?
[Ruth sighs]
Sheila the She-Wolf: No, I'm not sure I understand...
[Ruth grabs the phone and hangs up]

[Patrick prepares the ribbon-cutting ceremony with Rhonda]
Patrick O'Towne: This is my favorite part. Calabasas homeowners, are you ready to save?
[total silence from the crowd]
Patrick O'Towne: I can't hear you.
[still total silence, as Patrick prepares to cut the ribbon]
Ruth Wilder: [Russian accent] Nyet! Nyet! Stop this disgrace! Patio Town...
[spits on the ground]
Ruth Wilder: ... is disgusting. Capitalism at its worst. So much quality. So much choices. One store, 50 different types of chair. In Soviet Union, we have one chair. We take turns to sit in him. You miss your turn, too bad. You sit on floor for rest of year. This is the greatness of communism.
Sam Sylvia: BOOOOO!
[crowd boos at Ruth]
Bash: Yeah, boo!
Ruth Wilder: [Russian accent] Okay, okay. I know why you boo. Because so many cash register. At Patio Town, you never get to stand in line. In Soviet Union, line is like cocktail party. Where else you have conversation and KGB don't hear?
[crowd laughs]
Patrick O'Towne: Here we go.
[Patrick cuts the ribbon]

Ruth Wilder: [Russian accent] Mmm. Delicious. In Soviet Union, we must pay one month's salary for this quality of cat.
[Sam laughs]
Ruth Wilder: [Russian accent] Mm. Foster's Freeze. We have same place. Ice Cream Gulag. There, you go in, it's so cold, you die.
Sam Sylvia: [laughs] I like you like this. I like you more than I usually like you.
Ruth Wilder: [Russian accent] Mm. Is because you are weak American. I will destroy all you hold dear.
Sam Sylvia: Russians, best villains since the Nazis. It's too bad you can't do it for real.
Ruth Wilder: Why can't I do it for real?
Sam Sylvia: Well, if you're Russian. you have to fight the all-American hero, and Debbie's not even talking to you.
Ruth Wilder: Well, you never know. She could change her mind.
[Russian accent]
Ruth Wilder: Is like old Russian saying: A fisherman cannot kill a chicken till there are no more fish in the sea.
[Sam giggles, while Rhonda has an uncomfortable look]
Rhonda Richardson: I need to wee.
Sam Sylvia: So? Go.
Rhonda Richardson: Don't you want to come with me?
Sam Sylvia: What?
[a disappointed Rhonda steps out of the car]

Ruth Wilder: [British accent] Do you normally like to watch her wee? Is that something you fancy?
Sam Sylvia: All right, okay, shut up.
Ruth Wilder: You're fucking her.
Sam Sylvia: You fucked what's-his-name.
Ruth Wilder: He wasn't my boss.
Sam Sylvia: Right. He was your best friend's husband.
[pause]
Sam Sylvia: Sorry. That was defensive. I'm sorry.
[pause]
Sam Sylvia: I have a flaw in my conflict style, according to my ex-wife's cognitive behavioral therapist. Why did you do it?
Ruth Wilder: Why does anyone make a stupid, horrible mistake?
Sam Sylvia: Well, for me, it's usually 'cause I'm high, or drunk, or someone has done something to make me feel so small and so insecure, that I have to do something to remind myself that I exist. But you don't seem like that kind of person.
Ruth Wilder: What kind of person do I seem like?
Sam Sylvia: An okay person.
[Rhonda enters the car]
Rhonda Richardson: You know, Sam and I are shagging.
[embarrassed look in Sam's face as he starts the car]