Tom Ellis credited as playing...
Lucifer Morningstar
- Ella Lopez: Is it really so crazy? I mean, what if God was one of us?
- Chloe Decker: Just a slob, like one of us.
- Ella Lopez: Exactly. Or just a..
- Chloe Decker: A stranger on a bus.
- Lucifer Morningstar: My father would never use public transport. That song is completely unrealistic.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Here's me being super-duper helpful: before the orderlies took the victim away, she told me who did attack her.
- Chloe Decker: Great. Who is it?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Santa Claus.
- [Chloe sighs]
- Lucifer Morningstar: I'm trying to recreate their first date.
- Linda Martin: You're... What? Wait. You're trying to Parent Trap God and the Divine Goddess?
- Lucifer Morningstar: What? It worked in the movie.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Okay, you've all been chosen to help with a very special mission called "Operation: Help Lucifer Escape from the Hospital".
- God Johnson: Mm, it's a little on the nose, son.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You are literally the judgiest person in the universe.
- God Johnson: Hey, does this mean you're not angry at your dad anymore?
- Lucifer Morningstar: No, I'm not angry. I'm bloody furious.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I can reveal the truth about the Supreme Being you've chosen to impersonate. I bet you wanted to be God because He's benevolent, all-powerful, yada yada. But in actual fact, He's a dick.
- Linda Martin: God and His ex having a fight to the death? Sounds kind of bad for, you know, humanity.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Waves hand] Oh, you'll probably be fine.
- Linda Martin: *Probably*?
- God Johnson: [after waking up from his "God" persona] What this? What-What just happened?
- Lucifer Morningstar: What are you talking about? We just beat Santa.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Now the sword's complete, we can get on with our plan.
- [the piece falls from the sword]
- Lucifer Morningstar: ... Or not. Maybe there's another piece missing
- Amenadiel: [Annoyed] Or maybe a dragon has to breathe on it. Who knows?
- Lucifer Morningstar: How does this God Johnson know Samael, hmm? My name.
- Amenadiel: Oh, wait, I know.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You do?
- Amenadiel: The Internet! It's truly amazing what you can find online. Have you seen that video with the cat that jumps inside the box?
- Lucifer Morningstar: I love the mentally ill. I mean, who isn't amused by someone who thinks they're Elvis or Napoleon or Wesley Snipes?
- Chloe Decker: Who found the body?
- Dan Espinoza: God.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Ah! See?
- Lucifer Morningstar: What do you know about God Johnson?
- Pyro Pete: I like fire.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Right, never mind.
- Normal Ned: Maybe I can help. I did see him perform a miracle.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Perks up] Really?
- Normal Ned: ...He scored me an extra Jell-O at snack time. Shh.
- Tourettes Todd: Pig farts! Crash and burn.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, I see, you're one of those. Right.