Jameela Jamil credited as playing...
Tahani Al-Jamil
- Jason Mendoza: Listen, back in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a 60-person dance crew. Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in 5 categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Eight isn't bad, I suppose.
- Jason Mendoza: No, no. Eight is the best. It was a scale of one to thirteen, but eight was highest. The scale went up and back down, like a tent.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Why? It's not important.
- Jason Mendoza: Lately, you've been really down on yourself, but you're the most amazing person I've ever met, besides Michael. And he was constantly torturing us, so I'd only rank him a ten.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Which is worse than an eight? That's so unnecessarily confusing.
- Jason Mendoza: The point is, you're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. Never seen you dance, but I bet you're good because you're good at everything. You're awesome. Be nicer to yourself.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Thank you, Jason.
- [Hands him a glass of champagne]
- Tahani Al-Jamil: From one eight to another.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Red alert. Red alert. We need help.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: What's wrong with Michael?
- Jason Mendoza: Uh-oh, I know that look. He just snorted a bunch of printer toner.
- [last lines]
- Tahani Al-Jamil: [in bed together] So, um, we should probably discuss...
- Jason Mendoza: That was awesome!
- Tahani Al-Jamil: It was.
- [sighs]
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Surprisingly so. But we should still discuss...
- Jason Mendoza: Want some breakfast? I know how to make cereal.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Sure, but, Jason, we should...
- Jason Mendoza: Okay, be right back.
- [jumps out of bed]
- Tahani Al-Jamil: This is so depressing. I'm being forced to throw a party that I know will fail.
- Jason Mendoza: That's why you're doing this. It's what you're best at. Just like I'm the best at getting empty water bottles to stay on the roof of a Pizza Hut.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: I really thought I could throw a better party than a magical, all-powerful being. And moreover, what does this say about me, about the way I lived? The way they're torturing me is through event-planning, and it *works*. Am I really that shallow?
- Tahani Al-Jamil: I'm leaving. I'm too miserable to stay here for one more second.
- Jason Mendoza: Why? There are baby monkeys and dolphins to ride, and a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with actual hippos. This party is way better than ours. Why are you miserable?
- [realizing]
- Jason Mendoza: Oh...