Jessi Klein credited as playing...
Jessi Glaser
- Jessi Glaser: Why do you smell so good?
- Connie the Hormone Monstress: Because I don't use deodorant and I only take bubble baths.
- Shannon Glaser: Did you know that tampons are taxed as a luxury item? Yeah, it's a real luxury to stick a wad of cotton up your crotch.
- Jessi Glaser: Could you please just tell me how to use a tampon?
- Shannon Glaser: [Chuckles] Honey, you're not ready for tampons. Let's finish basic training before we go to Fallujah.
- [Beat]
- Shannon Glaser: Where we never should have been.
- Jessi Glaser: I know, I know.
- Shannon Glaser: Fucking Cheney.
- Jessi Glaser: Mom, please.
- Shannon Glaser: You know, if men got their period...
- Jessi Glaser: Mom!
- Shannon Glaser: What? It'd be an Olympic sport. They'd give out medals for the heaviest flow.
- Andrew Glouberman: [Opens door to the ladies' restroom] Are you there, Jessi? It's me, Andrew.
- Jessi Glaser: I get it, Andrew.
- Andrew Glouberman: I was hoping you would.
- Jessi Glaser: Did you find something?
- Andrew Glouberman: I did.
- [Hands her a 9/11 memorial towel]
- Jessi Glaser: Are you kidding? What am I supposed to do with this thing? It's huge.
- Andrew Glouberman: And I apologize. It was either this or a Yankee pennant, and I just felt uncomfortable with you having the Yankees so close to your... blessing, 'cause, you know, "Let's go, Mets."
- Jessi Glaser: Let's go, Mets.
- Jay Bilzerian: You guys, you guys, I just had the best day ever.
- [laughing]
- Jay Bilzerian: Hey, Jessi, what's this behind your ear?
- Jessi Glaser: [Muttering] Not now, Jay, I am not in the mood.
- Jay Bilzerian: Oh, what are you, on your per-
- [She punches him in the throat]
- Lady Liberty: Hello, Jessi. As the largest woman in the world, I welcome you into the covenant of menstruation.
- Jessi Glaser: Oh, thank God, a woman. I'm so scared right now. There's so much blood. Am I gonna be okay?
- Lady Liberty: Being a woman is misery. Nothing but pain and unwanted babies from terrible lovers, and worst of all, le cramp.
- Jessi Glaser: Ugh. What if I don't want to be a woman? I like how I am now.
- Lady Liberty: Change, it comes whether you want it or not, like disgusting pigeons who defecate and fornicate on your shoulder.
- Jessi Glaser: You're kind of a bummer.
- Lady Liberty: Oh, well, I'm so sorry I'm not more American, sunny Mickey Mouse baba-booey bullshit. You are a woman now, Jessi, and nothing will ever be the same again.
- Jessi Glaser: Jesus, is there anything good about being a woman?
- Lady Liberty: If you're very lucky a man will jack off at you on the subway, so, no.