I know what you're thinking and the answer is no, I'm not planning on replacing my movie reviews with long winded breakdowns of reality TV shows, but last week, while fan boying the somewhat infamous, Rebecca Black, I came upon her auditioning for a show called 'The Four'...a show that constantly refers to itself as the biggest show on television, yet not a single person I've spoken to claims to have ever heard of this. Now just a fair warning, for any of you who are actually watching, or planning to watch this show - I'm going to spoil the living hell out of this thing, so don't say I didn't warn you.
So 'The Four' is rapper, Diddy's, take on the American Idol genre - thereby ticking off another box on South Park's claim that there literally is nothing Diddy hasn't done. Diddy is the Simon Cowel of the judging panel, minus the wit or charisma, he's joined by Randy and Paula rip-offs, DJ Khaled and Meghan Trainor - and I'm not joking when I say this panel is ripping off the first season of American Idol: Diddy is the powerhouse, titan of the music industry, who always thinks he's right and is usually harder to contestants than they deserve, DJ Khaled is the fat, funny judge, whose always ready with a one liner or some quip of never giving up on your dreams, that everyone only take half seriously, and Meghan is the oh so nice girl, that she borderlines on coming off condescending. The show is hosted by Black Eyed Peas star Fergie - but she's mostly just there to wear sexy outfits and explain the rules of the show at least 5 times in every episode. And then lastly we have the titular 'Four' - four upcoming stars, handpicked by the panel of judges, who will have to battle it out with a group of challengers, to win a record label and become the new music sensation. So this season starts off with, James - you know he's important, because I actually remember his name, angry black girl that you know will leave first (she literally falls out in the first 10 minutes), possibly the sexiest woman alive, Latina girl, and lastly: Sharaya H...another angry black contestant, but this one we know will stick, because in addition to the fight of "keeping her seat" she is also fighting cancer. I hate that I say that so nonchalantly, I really do, but want to know why? Because EVERY damn new contestant on this show has a tragic back story; I'm not kidding, you know how on American Idol they occasionally introduce contestants who have gone through some personal trials to get there and you just know that contestant is going to be important? Here it is literally every contestant - and if they don't have one (like James), they'll try and create one for him later in the show. I started skipping through these introductions at, I think episode 5, when they introduced the (and I'm not making this up): homosexual/shunned by his community/escaped from an abusive relationship/struggled through drug problems/struggled through alcoholism and was diagnosed with HIV...I didn't see the point in hearing the other people's stories after that, no-one was going to top that. The irony though, that guy didn't even make it through! That's right, we're forced to learn the history of every single person that tries out, only for most of them to simply fall out on their first try...thanks for that, Diddy. Those who do stick though, wow are those stories used to garner sympathy votes - I challenge anyone to find a single interview with Sharaya that does not focus on her cancer; hell they hardly even discuss her music, they always get back to that. I guess I would feel worse for this contestant, was it not for the mother of all timing, where it is suddenly announced in the last 5 minutes of the season finale - that her cancer has disappeared. And yes, for in case you couldn't gather, I just revealed that she makes it to the end, and this brings me to my biggest gripe with this show, the audience votes basically mean nothing. So how it works: in the first 6 episodes, new contestants are brought in, they audition for the judges, if all three judges give them 'the blue ring' then they get to challenge one of 'The Four', the audience then votes and whoever gets the highest vote takes a seat as a member of 'The Four'. Then comes episode 7, 'The comeback episode' where contestants who fell out throughout the course of the show, get to battle it out again and this time the judges get to decide who stays. Ali beat out Whitney earlier in the season, judges did not like that, so they let them challenge each other again and this time the judges keep Whitney and kick Ali out, making the audience participation...completely pointless. Fan favourite, James, who dramatically fell out, right at the end of the new contestant phase, is also cleverly brought back here and - spoiler alert - he wins the show, ultimately kicking out out Sharaya in the final battle...even though she had won every single audience vote from the very first episode. And then there's the show itself, the reason I hate this so much and simultaneously, the reason I can't stop watching...I suggested we create a 'The Four' drinking game - drink every time a judge says "this is season 2", drink every time someone says "I'm hungry" or "I'm ready to eat", drink every time Fergie says in an annoying voice "we have a challllenge", every time Diddy mentions "his legacy"...this list could have gone on forever, until I realised that agreeing to play this drinking game, will also be agreeing to a suicide pact, because no-one would survive the first 10 minutes, that's how repetitive this show is. I actually swear this show re-used certain takes and just spliced them into different scenes, because there is no way people can repeat themselves this often. Well, actually, considering what I'm estimating to be the joint IQs of everyone involved in this show, I guess it is possible - I actually made it all the way through episode 1, believing this to be a parody of American Idol, and even now, it still hurts me emotionally to accept that this show is real. And now for the kicker - I recommend the hell out of this show, it's freaking hilarious and, be it unintentionally, is the perfect example of everything that is wrong with our generation, labelled by big stars telling us that acting like morons is the way to make millions...thanks again Diddy.