Kristen Bell credited as playing...
Connie
- Simon Kilmurry: For starters, let's talk coupons.
- Connie: Okay. What do you wanna know? I mean, most people undervalue coupons.
- Ken: I don't undervalue coupons.
- Connie: No. No, I guess you don't. I suppose that's why I'm here. But, you know, most people do.
- Simon Kilmurry: Well, here's what I think: I think you preyed on people. I think nobody understands better than you that people use coupons to save money, or buy things that they need and I think you took advantage of that.
- Connie: No. No, you're wrong.
- Simon Kilmurry: Tell me how I'm wrong.
- Ken: [interrupts Connie] That's really not why people use coupons. It's not about what you buy, it's about the feeling you get. They've done studies. When folks use coupons, their oxytocin levels, they kinda spike, like in they get that little tingly sensation. They call it 'the coupon high'. Supposedly, it's better than intimacy with another person, or so I've been told.
- Connie: Sorry, I'm unclear. Have you not used a coupon, or have you not had sex?
- Ken: What happened?
- [stammering]
- Ken: No. That's... no. Me? This is not about me, it's about you.
- Rick: What the fuck, Connie?
- Connie: I told you that I stopped using coupons, I just didn't tell you that I started selling them. Look, it's a good job.
- Rick: It's not a job!
- Connie: Would you just bail me out?
- Rick: What, you don't have a coupon for that?
- Connie: Rick, next time you walk into a room, and you think everyone there is sorry to see you, Just know it's not cause you're an auditor, it's cause you're an asshole. I'd like a divorce.
- [last lines]
- Connie: [narrating] If you ever find yourself doing a stretch in the slammer, you should still try to make every day count. Especially your last day. Sometimes you look back and you think, well, if that didn't happen, and that didn't happen, and that didn't happen, I wouldn't be who I am today.
- Connie: [to another inmate] Bet'cha I can walk a mile faster than you can run one.
- [starts speed walking]
- Connie: [narrating] And it turns out, it really doesn't matter how you get to the finish line. Just as long as you get there.