YourFilmWhore

I will start this off by saying that I did enjoy the first film and sure, the second movie wasn't for me, I get why people could enjoy it. But with this third installment? Firstly, this movie is about an hour and 50 minutes of action scenes in which yes, we get some admittedly good action scenes here and there, but quickly, it gets dull. Be it from watching the many assassins go after John Wick (who also gets about 6 lines the whole movie so yay.) in similar manner to the last film, to shootouts with Halle Berry and genital hungry dogs (its cool the first couple of times but seeing it back to back for nearly 10 minutes makes the sight lose any impact and luster) that last just far too long. Also, the action gets absurdly comical (not just with the dogs, but also with horses kicking people to death) and hey, that's cool in a Fast and Furious film because they know that they are big dumb action movies, but this film series was trying to be something smarter, something deeper, but evidently that is no longer the case especially if you pay attention to what little dialogue is here. This movie really wants to pretend that it is saying something profound, or the characters are doing anything that isn't obviously evil (Ian McShane is doing something duplicitous? Perish the thought!) but instead, it comes off like a 12 year old wrote this movie. Also, this world is beginning to make less and less sense the more the attempt to add to it, and the more they add to John Wick's backstory (hey, he's Belorussian! Does this matter? No.) it makes it feel like they are making things up as they go to try and justify having John Wick be Superman without the ability to fly. Look, I love action but by this point in the series, its hard to care about what is happening or feel like this movie isn't simply spinning its wheels in terms of actual story telling or meaningful action that can actual excite. I fully expect the next movie to have John Wick have a fistfight on top of a plane with three shark ninjas who stole his wife's body who is actually still alive and trying to destroy the world with a techno-organic computer virus. This movie is that stupid.

Ah, the often talked about The Conjuring that is supposedly about a "true" story of famous demonologists and paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren that even they were too scared of to speak about and let people know about for the longest part. Now, I am not going to debate whether or not if the couple this movie is based on are con-artists, or just got conned themselves, since honestly, this movie has zip to do about Amityville minus a little mention near the end of the film. Really, this movie is about a whole other not-demonic possession that Ed and Lorraine were at and the effects that some spooky crap had on a humble family. Now, if this sounds like you have heard of this story before, well, it is because you have. Honestly, one of the fundamental issues presented to the viewer here really is that they are going to be watching this movie thinking of plenty of other haunted house films, especially The Amityville Horror and trying to see how this film stacks to them but thankfully for this movie, despite treading heavily worn tracks, it does it in a way that is not completely idiotic or hair pulling bad. In fact, the scares in this movie are quite good, and sure, there are your usual jump scares because no horror movie would be complete without them, but the movie does build up some great atmosphere and this could easily be one of the better horror films to have come out in ages...if the script was any better. Now, characters are not complete and utter fools (minus a cop who is in this movie for really no reason as far as I can tell except to have handcuffs near the end just because), but really they are given a bit too much exposition to spout, and it can really annoy anyone who doesn't like being talked down. If I wanted to know the ins and outs of paranormal investigations in the 70s, I will read a book about it instead of watching a movie that is meant to entertain me, not educate. And thanks to this really heavy handed way of telling us what things do, and sometimes whenever there is really nothing going on in parts (Ed and Lorraine disappear for nearly 20 minutes in the middle of the movie to not be heard from till the crap really hits the fan. Nice to know this was "their" story and they are barely featured in it) and you find yourself just really bored with the movie, bam, the plot restarts and you remember why you were bothering for the first quarter of the movie. Because of this, it is hard for me to really recommend this movie at times, especially to those who are like me, starting to grow tired of the old and worn out clichés in horror. Will you hate this utterly after watching it? No, unless horror is just not your thing (which if so, what are you bothering reading my review for? :D ). Now are you going to love this and want to own the about seven different editions that are sure to come out on DVD? Probably not. It is just a bit too bloated and long winded to truly grip, though it is really well done, and can be straight out frightening at times.

Alright, I will try my best to not rant and rave (especially since I already have done a much more detailed review of this on my blog, so read it there if you are curious), but this movie is without a shadow of a doubt one of the worst films of all time. Yes, worse than crap like Batman and Robin, Troll 2, or even Battlefield Earth, especially when you throw in the small fact that at least those films are interesting in how bad they are. This film is not interesting, not in the least. From the absurd amount of cat and dog puns that are more forced than the drama on American Idol, to the just not funny jokes coming either from the main dog (who I am certain is probably missing his brain) to the pigeon that supposedly works for the big "bad" of this movie (and no, I do not really care why a bird works for a cat, but it is really stupid, that is for sure.) I wish I could say maybe the CGI is good, but no, it looks like the same half-hearted attempts they use in Asylum films, and worst of all it couldn't be less convincing that the animals are talking unless you just made them ALL CGI, instead of using real cats and dogs. Sure, I know people try and use the stupid excuse, "But its for kids, can't you let it just be that?" No, I can't, because while there are still being great, incredible kid films being made and released (just think Lion King or How to Train Your Dragon) that not only are really, really enjoyable for children, but just so for adults, then I cannot stand while crap like this is being made. No, this film has nothing redeeming about it, from the story that has no point except to make puns and make my brain scream, or to the "jokes" that couldn't be funny if George Carlin told them, nothing works in this film. And those adults who do claim that they went and saw this and actually enjoyed it, I do pity you all, and hope one day you meet a good movie (like Robocop or Terminator 2) and just...grow up.

Oh Drive, how I was expecting so much more from you. I will never try and pretend that not once did I think this movie was going to be something that could have swept the Oscars (though it has been nominated for one) but I expected something better than what I received. Don't get me wrong, Drive is not horrible, but it is not this supposedly wonderful and defining film that everyone says it is. It is OK at it's best of times, and downright annoying and tedious at it's worst. I think that this is all thanks to the fact that the movie never once gets above it's tepid pace, no the least thanks to Ryan Gosling's just bored sounding delivery. Look, I never thought the man was wonderful, but I know he is above sounding like he is giving a Time Share lecture. Riveting. Oh well, it is nice to know that everyone else has the same bored quality (except Ron Perlman, he is awesome, but not in the movie enough) and then the story is really about as simple as one could expect from a movie that is hyped to crap. It just never once builds up to any tempo nor does it truly get fun enough to warrant a second viewing (unless being bored for a good three quarters of the movie is your thing.) Now, as much as I tear it down, why not rate it lower? Firstly, it really is not incredibly bad with some good gore scenes and disturbing imagery (a bullet being shoved down someone's mouth comes to mind.) But this movie was ultimately killed thanks to it's incredible hype, and failure to really follow through with it. Watch this movie if you only if you are a huge Gosling fan, or think that really crummy acting is your thing.