cablooie Reviews (52)

Artemis Fowl (2020)

Don't. You'd rather have a kick in the nuts.

[1/10 · 13 June 2020]

Kenneth Branagh must have been desperate.

Just don't.

Vikings (2013–2020)

Seasons 1-2-3 watchable fantasy if bored. The rest is dreadful.

[1/10 · 13 June 2020]

First 3 seasons are watchable. Mind you, not great. Full of historical blatant hilarious mistakes, some very average actors, but all in all an entertaining Hollywood fantasy story with punk-rock berzerkers, if you're willing to accept huge suspentions of belief. After season 3 that little got lost. Any interesting character was practically removed and the story was filled with uninteresting, uncool, pointless teenagers from a low budget soap opera. No fun, no interesting characters, no character developing, average to dreadful acting (the guy playing Ivar should be put out of his misery. His character was written by a braindamaged kid, but he added no redeeming qualities either. He must be a better astronaut than an actor), no story other than random twists, illogical choices averywhere and sudden betrials hard to motivate. Hard to get involved in. Hard to be interested in at all. A long list of poor excuses to drag along a dead series. First seasons 5, all the rest -5. 0 rounded up to 1.

Coffee & Kareem (2020)

Shoot both the hideous kid and the abusive mother.

[1/10 · 2 May 2020]

If you enjoy the idea of a moronic but brave cop being abused non stop by everyone for 90 minutes you'll like this movie. In the order: a) he has to beg to step-father the most annoying brat in the history of mankind. This unfunny, fat little imbecile insults him, slaps him around and treats him like garbage, but he still wants to be his step father for some reason. I was actually dreaming he would kill the little troll; b) he has to beg an ugly arrogant widow mother to be her man. Why? No reason. c) He has to beg and pardon a criminal to help him; d) every single damn character in the film abuses him both verbally and physically repeatedly with no sensible reason whatsoever. Is that funny? No. Just annoying. You'd think that would make you side with him and create a long term audience-character link. No. He actually is a moron.

The only possible climax was having him shoot both the idiotic, unfunny kid and his obnoxious mother and run away with the money. Did he do that? No, he even apologized and started begging to be accepted again. Why? No reason. Steer clear. Actual rating -15. Unluckily below zero rating is not available.

The Platform (2019)

Must watch.

[9/10 · 28 March 2020]

Great film, great concept, great metaphor, credible acting, must watch.

Different and yet familiar, gory but fair, new and already a cult.

A few minor faults and excessively visualized gore here and there, but all in all an outstanding concept.

Polar (I) (2019)

John Wick of the poor.

[1/10 · 1 March 2019]

Not a single original idea. Not a single one. Low rated Clone. Not a single original idea. Not a single one. Low rated Clone. Not a single original idea. Not a single one. Low rated Clone. Not a single original idea. Not a single one. Low rated Clone. Not a single original idea. Not a single one. Low rated Clone. Not a single original idea. Not a single one. Low rated Clone. See what repetition does to your nuts? It busts them. Why should it work otherwise with movies? Even Mads, who is a good actor normally, manages to suck. Below zero rating. Steer clear.

Bird Box (2018)

Lousy clone of The Happening.

[1/10 · 25 December 2018]

Third hand story, rip-off of The Happening stripped of an ending, with the only interest of having an explanation that you aren't going to be given. Half of the movie is people in a room sharing sad stories from their past and telling you that people are killing themselves. The (invisible) "presence" is like a wind (The Happening) and pushes people to commit suicide without a sensible reason, motivation, gain. Except for a few random baddies who are immune to suicidal madness and just settle for trying to get others to kill themselves. Don't expect an explanation as to why, how and who/what is doing that. You won't have one. Cheap tricks, awful direction full of cliches, nonsensical script. People blabbering about the novel tend to forget that Josh Malerman's (lousy rock band member) novel came out in 2014, The Happening in 2008. This is a clone, a low rated one. Don't be fooled. Sorry, growing up with soda and MTV doesn't forge writers, authors, directors. It creates dough like this boring, pointless spoof flick. Skip this nonsense, there is nothing in it. It's a 1985 teenagers horror tv movie without a story. Bullock and Malkovich would accept anything, I am afraid.

Cam (2018)

Just don't

[1/10 · 23 November 2018]

Some reviewers gave this a 10? I mean, being a shill is a civil right, but 10 to this means you guys probably gave all Kurosawa movies a 1. Get a grip. I don't even start going into detail of why this joke of a film is just useless waste of time. This dough would fall short even if it was an amatorial spoof flick on YouTube or a prank gone wrong. Avoid at all cost.

Maniac (2018)

Interesting, different, funny, catchy.

[9/10 · 26 September 2018]

Something that's actually new. I'll encourage this with a 9. Generous, I know. But it is good. At times very good. And it's a story, it makes sense as a whole, unlike most TV series out there nowadays just trying to drag you onto the next episode with an excuse. Funny how its haters tend to rate 1* 2001 A Space Odissey and gave a 10* to Surf's Up 2. Funny and tragic at the same time. That tells you what kind of people thought this was too complicated and impenetrable. Give this a go. It's good. At times very good, carrying high peaks of comedy as well. And the story is built with intelligence. Great acting, good cast.

The Villainess (2017)

Nikita clone for tards.

[1/10 · 7 September 2018]

Yeah, it's a Nikita korean clone, alright. No, it's not even close to being alright, it was just an expression. Anybody else noticed? Nikita clone. Yeah. Korean. Awful one too. Just imagine to discard the good acting and the well built plot from Nikita and replace them with cheesy and uselessly overdramatic shots seemingly put together by a 4 yo brat. "You, my husband, killed my father and my daughter, tried to murder me several times, beat the s..t out of me, stabbed me, shot me, but I somewhat love you the same, for some reason", type thing. Add some ott and totally irrelevant action of a 70lbs girl killing tens of trained armed men using a cheese knife. Well, kind of boring over time let me tell you. Over a given time anything becomes creepy, you know. But no worries. When story lacks structure a single idiotic baddie can hook your lowest emotions to a junk movie. A cute baby girl gets assassinated for no sensible reason, just to piss you off, hate the bad guy thus finding some reason to follow this garbage with less snoozing time. Nah, didn't work, still boring. The ultimate baddie is laughing while he lies and murders everyone. Why? Because. Still can't stop yawning. Consider 2 hours of that torture to the audience. Then choose any other activity. Call your mom and ask her about uncle Dodd's piles, cuddle your dog after he peed on your couch, diss random people in the tube, get wasted with light beer, eat 25 hot dogs without drinking (fun garanteed). Anything is better than a bad clone that's not even bad enough to become funny and entretain your butt for a while. Sorry for language, normally I am a polite guy, but consider: you can have a clone (minus); or an awful film (minus of different sort). It happens, it's called bad luck in picking a movie. Only they shouldn't be both happening in the same 2 bloody hours.

Cha cha cha (2013)

LOL

[1/10 · 20 July 2018]

Somebody told Luca Argentero he could act and he took their word. Worst actor in the history of ever, including spoof flicks of gross comedy? He must have friends in high places, because I really don't get why they let this wooden tool get so many major roles in movies. His awful acting destroyed an otherwise decent thriller. Sorry, much worse than bad, it's a 1 and it's all his fault. FFS he can't even talk, let alone act...

How It Ends (2018)

It's called How It Ends and it lacks an ending. How cool is that?

[1/10 · 16 July 2018]

It's called How It Ends and it lacks an ending. How cool is that? Imagine yet another secret-room-with-an-explanation horror flick. They are based on half hearted curiosity about what is going on. Imagine to cut the secret-room-with-an-explanation ending and you get this film. Mediocre pilot episode attempt for a dull, unoriginal budget TV series about random villains doing random villain things while the guy is driving from A to B. On-the-road is the easiest concept, but it only works if you have a clever story, interesting characters and a solid climax. This poor excuse for a movie has none. Whitaker 7/10, Theo James as wooden as Pinocchio without being as interesting. I couldn't spoil the story for you guys, even if I wanted to: this film doesn't sport an ending.

Westworld (2016–2022)

Season 2 ah good ol' snore festival

[1/10 · 20 June 2018]

1) Go to the supermarket; 2) buy fruit; 3) put it in a basket; 4) watch it rot. Every single option is in its own right more entertaining than watching any episode of season 2. If you started season 2 already, then completing the whole sequence 1 to 4 will be the highlight of your week. I ain't sure how they did it, but what was good in season 1 was whiped out of the series to make room for pointless flashbacks and unfathomable dialogs all at 1 bmp. Pacing isn't slow: it's still. It looks and feels like the TV set OS crashed and the screen is frozen on the same shot. Anything is better than season 2. Dip raw onion rings in Nutella and snort them, jump up and down repeatedly yelling "BONGO!", water your plants with beer trying to have'em burp.

Hard Candy (2005)

14 yo Jason Bourne+James Bond+Batman+Joker+Clockwork Orange+hate pit

[1/10 · 21 April 2018]

A 14yo girl with the skills of Jason Bourne, the tactics of James Bond and the physical strength of Ben Grimm lures a guy into a trap and tortures him under the suspicion he "might" have done something wrong. But according to the story it is kind of fair and right, for some reason. She beats him up quite a few times, actually she kicks his ass around hands down, outsmarts him, outtalks him, outeverythings him. If this was a story about a 14yo boy torturing a woman to have her confess crimes he can't prove, the feminist party would have burned theaters. Apparently, the other way round is perfectly legit, a man is guilty until proven innocent and torturing a suspect is perfectly fine. Good concept, Guantanamo. And a 14yo brat can talk him into killing himself. Yep, she can talk. That's all she does for 95% of this silly film actually. Past 30 minutes in the movie you start hoping he'd kill the damn chatterbox, regardless he's guilty or not. It could have been e decent horror short with an adolescent psycho, but no. Somebody wanted a revenge movie justifying torturing suspects. That claim killed it together with the 14yo Xmen-like brat. Apart from the first 10 intriguing minutes the film sucks throughout without redemption. Steer clear.

Arrival (II) (2016)

Boring Epoch rip off with nothing to offer.

[1/10 · 31 January 2017]

Marketing operation based on very high expectations ending up in nothing at all. There is a reason why you couldn't see a single alien in the teaser trailers. They are blurry, barely visible octopuses. How cool is that? Blurry octopuses. Freakin octopuses.

Snorefest with no other interest than a good kip. 3 things I ask of a sci-fi movie with aliens, even if it is a TV B movie:

1) please if you touch a topic don't leave story holes the size of Arizona;

2) please let me clearly see at least 1 alien;

3) please no more octopuses.

This film sports a couple of blurry, uninteresting, unoriginal black octopuses spitting ink, while the story-line has holes the size of Canada. Thank you, that is material for a $40m+ budget movie, yeah? Where the hell did they spend all that money, 3/4 of the movie is talking people trying to TELL you what apparently somewhere is going on. Are chatterboxes that expensive?

All the rest is simply a rip off of Epoch without even the pro of being original. Oh, yes. The film is also trying to be deep and philosophical about time and values in life. Falling horribly short, perfect stuff for illiterates. Pure senseless garbage. Do anything else, watch games on TV, play with your dog, collect beer caps, try to keep awake your neighbour spectator playing Jerry Lewis impressions. Anything is better than this boring, empty, pointless Epoch clone.

They Call Me Jeeg Robot (2015)

Badly written and acted Kick-Ass/Hancock clone with no special effects.

[1/10 · 10 November 2016]

Plain awful. Do anything else, throw marshmallows at stray dogs, pinch wallets, try to pee in a beer can, sell your body in parts. Anything is better than watching a badly acted and awfully written Kick-Ass/Hancock clone. Terrible B movie. At least Kick-Ass was funny and ironic, Hancock had great special effects, this dough is even trying to be dramatic. The only character building up throughout the movie is the loony girl, and she gets killed for no reason whatsoever. Her acting is dreadful (apparently she comes from a TV reality show), but her character is the only element of interest in the movie. Santamaria is just as wooden as Pinocchio. After she dies anybody else might as well turn into flaming zombies and bite everyone, you wouldn't give a rat's behind, anyway. The wooden puppet playing the bad guy should have been court martialed for his insanely bad acting. Steer clear, it is awful.

The 5th Wave (2016)

Awful soap opera

[1/10 · 22 June 2016]

2 minutes at the beginning with a tsunami. 2 minutes at the end of the movie with an earthquake. All the rest is soap opera with bad acting and endless talking, and if you are lucky somebody is going to come around and TELL YOU what is going on. All talk. Nothing actually happens in this boring, predictable, cheesy soap opera with nothing to offer.

Holes the size of an alien spaceship which you will barely spot. Typical bait and switch dough with nothing in it but chatterboxes who will never shut up. Movie is motion pictures, not endless talking you bunch of untalented puppets with nothing to tell. No story, no action, no script and overall no damn aliens. That's severely below standard in a damn alien invasion movie ain't it? Steer clear at all cost.

The Dressmaker (I) (2015)

1st half Kusturica, 2nd half Tornatore. Nothing original in this

[1/10 · 6 March 2016]

Nothing original in this film.

Nothing.

It is a real pity because the first half is interesting, characters well acted and effectively introduced.

1st half is a series of gags imported and rearranged from Emir Kusturica movies. It works considering the good actors involved. Even though not very original.

Then the story falls horribly flat. Not enough material probably. Too short for a comedy? OK, then let's have some useless and pointless accidents turn it into a messy tragedy. Gut feelings, too much hate. Much easier digging in negative emotions than writing a good story.

That's where Malena by Tornatore kicks in.

This is basically all about it.

1st half Kusturica comedy rip off. Funny, effective, but not very original.

2nd half pointlessly tragic bad copy of Malena by Tornatore.

All connected via a silly, pointless, useless accident.

The end.

Better have a full story next time.

Sorry, this may impress people who aren't aware of the aforementioned directors. I am.

The Ridiculous 6 (2015)

1* (awful) is outrageously hi a rating for this

[1/10 · 21 December 2015]

After watching this movie I roamed about for a few hours in dismay, trying to recall the name of the reviewer who had given it credit of some kind... I used to have a clear generic idea about what an awful film is. This one actually sets new standards. No words are to be found in the dictionary to give justice to how bad this insult of a movie is. I am still asking myself why on earth they have used a budget of any kind to produce a movie out of such an awful script. It felt like a 2 min spoof sketch of gross comedy stretched into 2 hours simply by repeating the same stuff over and over again. A mule with the runs? Really? It felt old and uncool the first time already, did it have to become a running gag filling half of the whole movie?

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't always have to be smart or intelligent to be funny, loads of good comedies are plain silly and still make you laugh. Not this one. The movie was just pointless.

Do not watch this, you will regret it and want your time back.

40% = low rated 3rd hand awkward huh-gags about crap for silly 5yo kids. (Better else, the cheesiest fart/crap-related gags out there are ways funnier than this dough.)

50% = yawns.

5% = cameos.

5% = great job by Nick Nolte, as always. Useless, unluckily. The film still sucks.

Try any other experience, and I do mean anything: eat junk food until you puke, steal your own car and drive it in a ditch, bitchslap a kung fu expert, throw random bugs in your own underwear drawers.

the idea of stealing your own car actually sounds like great fun compared to this movie, take my very word.

Godzilla (2014)

even making B movies has turned into an issue...

[1/10 · 24 August 2014]

Not sure why they keep on giving full movie scripts to this Edwards. He is clearly not capable of putting together more than 5 minutes action shorts. All the rest is close ups of low rated actors blabbering nonsense.

Non existent storyline, flat characters just talking their asses out while something IS SAID to be happening somewhere, but you cannot see it. You will have to take their words, because that's all you are going to have in this boring, stretched, empty film.

Boring to a degree, Godzilla does not show up until 1:20 in the movie when you are sleeping already or simply don't give a rat's behind anymore, you just want somebody to nuke the whole area and kill everybody.

• At minute 50 I thought "incredible, these awful actors keep telling us what is happening, but I can't see anything of that and Godzilla hasn't showed up yet".

• At minute 60 I thought "I appreciate actors can remember their lines, but will I get to see any Godzilla in this Godzilla movie?".

• At minute 70 I thought "Godzilla must not have signed any contract with these guys, he is not in the movie".

• At minute 80 when Godzilla finally showed up he was probably with his lawyers to sue the production of the movie, but I was almost asleep and didn't follow much of the lawsuit.

Material for an average 5 minutes CGI short with Godzilla fighting monsters, pumped up to full movie length to widen the scam environment.

If you give me 5% of Godzilla scenes in a movie called "Godzilla", then I'll be willing to pay 10c for the ticket.

Stay away by any means.

Wanderlust (2012)

Stay away, Jennifer Aniston is kissing goodbye her career...

[1/10 · 18 May 2014]

I mean, 90% of the time you will think "did they really think this stuff can be funny? Or even interesting? Is it really possible to get THIS low?". Folks, if the story sucks, how can the movie be good? This dough is the ultimate cloned-stereotype festival. Not funny at all, incredibly boring when not disturbing here and there. In spite of her age, looks like Jennifer Aniston would do anything to get undressed. After all she didn't spend all that money on cosmetic surgery to keep the silicone into her shirt, so any script requiring her to drop her clothes is a yes, regardless how crappy it is. OK, she has never been as gorgeous as Angelina Jolie, but she used to be somewhat averagely pretty. Now her face is made of rubber making her look like Gary Busey, yet another Hollywood transvestite, hurray...

As about the movie, it's cheesier than cheddar. It seems the ideas for funny gags and interesting story simple didn't come out, so they just tried to clone Borat hardly being nearly as funny, when not spreading wrong, twisted values: life sucks unless it's hi voltage, people who don't like reality shows and fast foods all are brainless weirdos talking to trees, you have to stay with your wife regardless whom she sleeps with. If you can't make em laugh at least strike em hard. Undelivered, too boring to strike anybody. And no, all wrong. Life is good in big cities as well provided you aren't an imbecile, I detest crappy TV shows and junk food and I am not a weirdo, if anybody's wife sleeps with another man they are going to kick her out goodbye. Empty story without any sense, dull characters and not a single laugh. I ended up hoping some random lunatic would come up and kill everybody, just to have some actual facts I could mention in this review, but it simply didn't happen. Nothing interesting happens in this bad clone of the lowest spoof flicks with unfunny comedians.

I noticed some reviewers gave this a 10. Either part of the crew or complete morons. If you give this crap a 10/10, how much do you assign to a real comedy, say "A Fish Called Wanda" ? 650/10 ?

Stay away, nothing can be this terrible on TV anyway. If it really sucks, it's the same stuff.

The Mercury Conspiracy (2013)

Barbareschi far from being as good as wine

[1/10 · 16 May 2014]

Yet another awful flop from the untalented Italian actor Barbareschi. Light years far from being as good as the wine whose name he bears.

Terrible, predictable, awfully acted, pretentious and embarrassingly boring. Script was probably put together by copy-pasting parts of stories from bad action-drama movies from the 80's.

Barbareschi as wooden as Pinocchio, without being as funny and interesting. Somebody must have told this guy he is good looking and incredibly enough he believed them. Maybe he will have better success as a plumber, because acting is simply not for him.

Avoid by any means unless you like to pay for being clichéd to death.

Big Wednesday (1978)

All time classic

[8/10 · 9 May 2014]

An all time classic. Great surfing, good acting (apart from William Katt, a tad woody). Very touching acting by Jan Michel Vincent and Gary Busey funny as hell. They are both absolutely outstanding, the highlights of the movie. Lovely characters by Sam Melville and Lee Purcell. A great story of friendship, coming of age and perpetual summer life in the 60' and 70', through transition, social change and Vietnam war on the backdrop of their love of surfing. The coming of age is slightly simplified and a few stereotypes appear here and there, but the movie is constructed with great skill and it never gets cheesy. One of those films where pacing, character description, filming, editing and soundtrack have no technical flaws. Unlike a lot of stuff coming out today, badly written, badly shot and filled with useless CGI in the attempt of replacing the absence of a good script.

The story is full of love for the characters, you feel empathy with every single one of them all along. I need to watch it now and again, it just makes me feel good.

Colpi di fortuna (2013)

Francesco Mandelli acting? Are you guys nuts?

[1/10 · 5 April 2014]

Would you sign a petition to have Francesco Mandelli stay home? We pass the hat and pay him if he promises to stay out of sight. Nothing personal. I only claim my right to self-defence against noise pollution caused by blatant lack of talent. This guy is like a lousy B-movie baddie, he just cannot be stopped from coming back...

Mr. Mandelli, the only service you can offer us is your best part: your absence. Don't underestimate the amount of money we might collect to keep you home, people would do anything to spare their children your unattractive face. Think about it. You could live a respectable life without causing public repugnance.

It's crazy how some people lacking grip on reality persist calling this sort of rubbish "a movie".

Christian De Sica is not new to this dough, pity because he was a promising actor at the very beginning of his career. Even Massimo Boldi has the education of sparing us his untalented face lately. Only the lowest, lousiest hams out there would accept a role in Neri Parenti's and/or Vanzina's pre-Christmas swill.

Their casting is getting lower and lower, provided that was even possible. But worse knows no limits, I guess. Examples of their casts in the last years: Elisabetta Canalis, does she want to act now? What next? Will she apply as an astronaut, sign in for Wimbledon or President of the USA? She is shameless. Michelle Hunziker; has anybody figured out what her job is besides trying to marry rich men? Not good looking, not good at anything. Aida Yespica (we can imagine what she is good at), Francesco Mandelli, lack-of-talent world champion, this human being, allow me to stretch the meaning of that expression for a second to include primates in general, should be in the Guiness book of records: he is unversed in every known activity on this planet. Enzo Salvi aka "Er Cipolla" (literally "The Onion", a nickname he even manages to make undeserved); please somebody with a good heart put this guy out of his misery. Raffaella Carrà, haha are you kidding me? Good at counting beans? An all time Italian joke, she can't act, nor sing or dance, nor anything else, yet still around in her 70s, still polluting air with her garbage. The Lillo and Greg duo, wow utterly incredible these tools are still around; two "comedians" even hyenas would have a hard time trying to laugh at, a good sample of TV nothing-ism.

Awful, useless garbage. Steer clear, paying a ticket to be tortured for 2 hours is far from being smart. 1/10 only because IMDb has not enabled below zero rating.

Stay Away from Me (2013)

Awful wannabe comedy with embarrassing acting

[1/10 · 30 March 2014]

I saw this piece of manure at a premiere in Italy.

This was actually a film, one day some shrink will prove I am right.

That said, it was dull, boring, self indulgent, embarrassingly void, badly acted (horribly in Ambra Angiolini's case, why is she acting anyway? I just wanted her to put a sock in it and go away all the way through) and these are the good sides.

Is there anything more pathetic than comedians who aren't capable of delivering a single mere smile? Why on earth did Anna Galiena, who is a good actress, accept a role in this dough goes beyond me.

Just steer clear, it's pure garbage wearing a crap movie outfit.

In case somebody actually paid Ambra Angiolini he is a complete moron.

Possibly the worst film in the history of film making, including spoof shorts on TV.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013)

Unquestionably the pinnacle of Ben Stiller's career

[7/10 · 29 March 2014]

Can a silly-comedy actor be held hostage by his previous low rated works? Looks like a few detractors who badly reviewed "The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty" unjustly giving it a 1 think so. Probably cheesy parodies lovers with no taste who just want to sweat out their beers and eat popcorn. I am surprised some of them even admitted they missed Stiller's previous whack comedies...

Don't get me wrong, when I heard Ben Stiller was going to remake such a great comedy with Danny Kay, I was scared to death and somewhat mad. "How dares he", I honestly thought. I was expecting another unfunny Christmas gag-movie with nothing to tell, Ben Stiller's style.

I was wrong.

Although this film has practically nothing in common with the original one, it is indeed a good story with believable acting, visually great and full of unspoken meaning. It even manages to be rather funny now and then, and yet there's a lot more to it. Watch it and you will know where and why.

Here and there a bit emotionally basic, if you know what I mean, but still a remarkable movie.

Ben Stiller will have a hard time in the future trying to maintain the substance he achieved in this ode to the good man.