davincirecebe
Lifetime Total
1+
IMDb Member
12 years
Reviews
Russkiy kovcheg (2002)
There should be a warning in the beginning: ART MOVIE WITHOUT A PLOT
I have just watched this movie with my wife. We only knew it had been highly praised by critics.
Well, call me dense if you will, but usually when I start watching a movie, I try to make out what the plot is about, I am the kind of person that likes to know where and when and why I am, what it's all about.
So when at the very beginning you are introduced to a hazy, dreamlike scene of a 18th century ball with tsarist officers, and the unseen protagonist's voice asks himself "where am I?" you figure he has been transported to the past somehow...no one sees or hear him, but he floats on following a group of officers at the ball, and you wait for the story to begin...but on and on it goes, no explanations offered...then he finally meets a thin man in a dark coat who obviously sees him (no one else does) and speaks to him as a time traveler would, so THEN you think "oh, now he will explain how and why they are there" and you wait for the story to begin...but it doesn't then nor later...
On and on it drags...they float from room to room...one camera shot continuously going on and on...groups of people from several epochs all ignoring them...then some modern art critics exchange a few words about a picture with the man in the dark coat, and still no explanation is given, the story doesn't begin...it's always a dreamlike succession of scenes...no explanations...and on and on it goes...and just like a dream, making no sense at all...you get the drift.
Well, after 25 minutes of this, I could stand it no more and watched the rest in fast forward speed (I can read very fast) trying to find a point where there would be some plot, some explanation, some dialogues...but no, it ends just like it begins...
Only AFTER I came here and read some of the reviews, it FINALLY dawned on me it was an "artistic movie"...
IF I had been FOREWARNED that it was not more than a creative but slow video about the history of a museum, an artistic way to show some Russian history, by showing dreamlike scenes from epochs it covered, THEN I might have enjoyed it some...maybe.
But expecting as I usually do, a movie with a story, a plot, a meaning, it was unbearably slow and tedious.
Well, call me dense if you will, but usually when I start watching a movie, I try to make out what the plot is about, I am the kind of person that likes to know where and when and why I am, what it's all about.
So when at the very beginning you are introduced to a hazy, dreamlike scene of a 18th century ball with tsarist officers, and the unseen protagonist's voice asks himself "where am I?" you figure he has been transported to the past somehow...no one sees or hear him, but he floats on following a group of officers at the ball, and you wait for the story to begin...but on and on it goes, no explanations offered...then he finally meets a thin man in a dark coat who obviously sees him (no one else does) and speaks to him as a time traveler would, so THEN you think "oh, now he will explain how and why they are there" and you wait for the story to begin...but it doesn't then nor later...
On and on it drags...they float from room to room...one camera shot continuously going on and on...groups of people from several epochs all ignoring them...then some modern art critics exchange a few words about a picture with the man in the dark coat, and still no explanation is given, the story doesn't begin...it's always a dreamlike succession of scenes...no explanations...and on and on it goes...and just like a dream, making no sense at all...you get the drift.
Well, after 25 minutes of this, I could stand it no more and watched the rest in fast forward speed (I can read very fast) trying to find a point where there would be some plot, some explanation, some dialogues...but no, it ends just like it begins...
Only AFTER I came here and read some of the reviews, it FINALLY dawned on me it was an "artistic movie"...
IF I had been FOREWARNED that it was not more than a creative but slow video about the history of a museum, an artistic way to show some Russian history, by showing dreamlike scenes from epochs it covered, THEN I might have enjoyed it some...maybe.
But expecting as I usually do, a movie with a story, a plot, a meaning, it was unbearably slow and tedious.
Habemus Papam (2011)
Between Prometheus and this one, go play solitaire, it's more fun.
A few days ago, I watched Prometheus, and found it such a revolting stupid waste of time, that I created my account here only to warn anyone from committing the same mistake; Now, unhappily, I have to add this HABEMUS PAPAM to the "what-a-waste-of-time-and-money" list...
Just like Prometheus, what starts out as a very well made film, with impressively credible imagery, costumes, ambiance etc., and generates very high expectations, COMPLETELY loses track, and becomes an utterly meaningless and pointless waste of time, with an INCREDIBLY bad ending.
When the movie begins, we see the election of the new pope, almost unanimous...a man with a gentle and humble face, and we expect he will lead the church into a glorious new path of renovation...but then, as he is being announced to the crowd, he screams and runs off to his chambers saying he just "can't do it".
Would he had killed himself, or thrown himself off the balcony, it would have been far better for us viewers...
With this unrealistic but interesting premise, we are enticed into expecting "what an interesting situation, let's see the pope as a normal man", the movie then shows the church calling in a psychologist to help him out of his crisis...the 1st encounter is comical, with the shrink and the Pope surrounded by cardinals...
At this point, still anticipating a good story, our expectations change, added by the anticipation of comedy, of funny situations, something akin to "King Ralph"...but then, then...the movie DIES. The plot simply STOPS.
For the next hour and 20 minutes, we see the pope running off into the streets, mumbling to himself, as lost as the storyline...NO deep insights, NO FUN whatsoever, NOT ONE interesting or deeper dialogue, he just hangs around a group of actors, one of whom is insane (a feeble and witless attempt at showing catholicism as a fraud?) so completely lost as to border insane. To think this sorry excuse of a mature man might have been a cardinal is simply unbelievable.
Oh yes, and all the while back in the Vatican, the shrink is doing...NOTHING. He plays cards and - VOLLEYBALL(!!!) with the old cardinals. He DOES NOT meet the pope again, don't be fooled by some "plot summaries" around.
In the end, as lost and whiney as before, not one iota the wiser, the pope returns, and gives his 1st speech to the crowd: "I'm not the right person, sorry everybody, I'm not up to it." And walks away back into the room. THE END. WTF???
He does NOTHING a normal man would - he does not resign, he does not appoint a successor, he does not warn the cardinals he wants to resign, he simply punches the whole of Christendom in the face with a "I'm sorry" whimper.
And the college of Cardinals, portrayed as a bunch of mindless aging old men fit for a nursery home, lets him go through to the end. The leaders of a 2000 year old organization act like a collective bad case of Alzheimer's...
I'd rather they'd poisoned him the night before and chosen another cardinal than watching that absolutely implausible "plot".
A COMPLETE waste of time, money, scenery, everything...and between Prometheus and this one, I've wasted quite a lot of my time and patience as well.
Learn from my mistakes, keep away from these dumps, and please wish me luck, I'm trying to find a good movie to recommend, but it's not being easy lately.
Just like Prometheus, what starts out as a very well made film, with impressively credible imagery, costumes, ambiance etc., and generates very high expectations, COMPLETELY loses track, and becomes an utterly meaningless and pointless waste of time, with an INCREDIBLY bad ending.
When the movie begins, we see the election of the new pope, almost unanimous...a man with a gentle and humble face, and we expect he will lead the church into a glorious new path of renovation...but then, as he is being announced to the crowd, he screams and runs off to his chambers saying he just "can't do it".
Would he had killed himself, or thrown himself off the balcony, it would have been far better for us viewers...
With this unrealistic but interesting premise, we are enticed into expecting "what an interesting situation, let's see the pope as a normal man", the movie then shows the church calling in a psychologist to help him out of his crisis...the 1st encounter is comical, with the shrink and the Pope surrounded by cardinals...
At this point, still anticipating a good story, our expectations change, added by the anticipation of comedy, of funny situations, something akin to "King Ralph"...but then, then...the movie DIES. The plot simply STOPS.
For the next hour and 20 minutes, we see the pope running off into the streets, mumbling to himself, as lost as the storyline...NO deep insights, NO FUN whatsoever, NOT ONE interesting or deeper dialogue, he just hangs around a group of actors, one of whom is insane (a feeble and witless attempt at showing catholicism as a fraud?) so completely lost as to border insane. To think this sorry excuse of a mature man might have been a cardinal is simply unbelievable.
Oh yes, and all the while back in the Vatican, the shrink is doing...NOTHING. He plays cards and - VOLLEYBALL(!!!) with the old cardinals. He DOES NOT meet the pope again, don't be fooled by some "plot summaries" around.
In the end, as lost and whiney as before, not one iota the wiser, the pope returns, and gives his 1st speech to the crowd: "I'm not the right person, sorry everybody, I'm not up to it." And walks away back into the room. THE END. WTF???
He does NOTHING a normal man would - he does not resign, he does not appoint a successor, he does not warn the cardinals he wants to resign, he simply punches the whole of Christendom in the face with a "I'm sorry" whimper.
And the college of Cardinals, portrayed as a bunch of mindless aging old men fit for a nursery home, lets him go through to the end. The leaders of a 2000 year old organization act like a collective bad case of Alzheimer's...
I'd rather they'd poisoned him the night before and chosen another cardinal than watching that absolutely implausible "plot".
A COMPLETE waste of time, money, scenery, everything...and between Prometheus and this one, I've wasted quite a lot of my time and patience as well.
Learn from my mistakes, keep away from these dumps, and please wish me luck, I'm trying to find a good movie to recommend, but it's not being easy lately.
Prometheus (2012)
Worstest Disappointment EVER
I registered here in IMDb just because I feel I have to warn others about this movie!
The visuals, as usual with R. Scott, are indeed stunning...but as for the rest...
I CANNOT stress enough how bad the story is, I used to be a sci-fi lover but this movie's plot is so STUPID, the storyline and acting is so GODAWFUL I'm considering a review in my tastes, I'm actually REVOLTED at how bad it is - Why do they make "sci-fi" movies without the slightest concern at real science?
A child knows more science than the "writer" of this piece of s...,
Just a FEW main "holes". Not plot holes, because that would mean there is a plot:
STUPID 1) Starts off with an "engineer" (a member of the alien race who created us) next to a river in what is supposed to be ancient Earth, looking at a giant hovering spaceship. He then drinks a black goo, and dissolves into the water..so that's how they brought human life to Earth...very intelligent, dissolving oneself hideously to create life...of course, they never heard of genetic engineering labs and tools...
STUPID 2) Jumps to archaeologists finding a cave with ancient paintings of giants next to a star system...then jumps again to the Prometheus spaceship, with the crew being wakened from stasis by an android....and then the crew assemble, and are introduced to each other (obviously that's how you select a crew, a lot of guys some of whom look like prison inmates who never saw each other before...training together must be a thing of the past)
STUPID 3) The archaeologists explain that all ancient cultures made those paintings (How? Man is 2, 3 million years old, how could a 5 or 6 thousand year old culture know about the engineers?) and that they showed the star system they are arriving at.
STUPID 4) They approach an Earth-size moon, and try to land IMMEDIATELY, without recon of any kind...then, of course, by sheer dumb luck, they find an ancient engineer base close to where they are landing...because one "scientist" spots some straight lines on the surface...that's like finding a needle in a haystack on the 1st try!
STUPID 5) They go off immediately to visit the aliens' base, again without recon, without waiting for anything, like a tally-ho bunch of teenagers, even though night and a huge storm is approaching...
STUPID 6) Once inside, just because the computer says the atmosphere is breathable, they OPEN their helmets...why??? That is ABSURD! How could a team of scientists ignore the dangers of contamination? Of unknown viruses or bacteria???
STUPID 7) They see the floor covered by puddles of black goo, and IGNORE it entirely...actually step ON it, without seeing small worms swimming in it...c'mon, that's utterly LUDICROUS, these are supposed to be scientists????
STUPID 8) Two of the group decide on the spot that they'll return to their spaceship (probably out of boredom with the plot)...just like that, they abandon the others...and of course, get lost inside the alien base...that's not absurd, that's RIDICULOUS behaviour...and further on, when they find an alien snake, they start to PET it...till of course it attacks them...of course, if you or I found an alien snake we would try to cuddle it, wouldn't we? That's simply BEYOND ridiculous, that's revoltingly unbelievable...
STUPID 9) They watch ancient holograms (very blurred, since the poor engineers didn't have good cameras) showing the engineers fleeing from something...and then they find a 2000 year-old severed engineer head, which they take back to the ship and try to revive in a Frankenstein- like way (literally!) again without any concern for contamination. The head explodes because of the black goo on top of it, and again no one tries to analyze it.
STUPID 10) The evil android (of course, he's evil, all androids are) puts some of the black goo in the lead scientist's drink...why? Because he is...evil, of course, and because that's a "very scientific way" of learning what the black goo does. I think I'll drink a few drops of mercury to find out how poisoned I can become...(after this movie, not such a bad idea).
STUPID 11) The lead scientist falls sick with an alien disease, but doesn't think of analysing it, and doesn't tell anyone about it...again, very plausible behaviour, let's start an epidemic, it's fun.
STUPID 12) The tycoon who financed the expedition was aboard all the time, but of course in hiding...why? No reason...no, wait, he's evil too, he loves to creep up unexpectedly.
STUPID 13) The engineer they revive and try to communicate with (the android has deciphered their language) behaves in a truly evolved way, by not answering a single word but just trying to kill everyone like a charging bull; later, he will try to take his ship full of black goo (apparently a bio weapon of theirs) to Earth...but that part at least I could understand, he must have been mad at our race for making a movie this bad....
And it goes on and on, the whole movie is like a STUPID or IMPLAUSIBLE behaviour CONTEST, for chrissake.
It borders on the CRIMINAL that so much money, so many splendid scenery and CGI and effects are COMPLETELY wasted in a story that makes ABSOLUTELY no sense, has no coherence and is so completely meaningless that to say it is AWFUL is actually praising it. I used to hold R. Scott works in high regard...but honestly, the worst B-movie I've ever seen is Oscar material compared to this story..!
A final warning: All the "positive" reviews here are obviously PAID, no one in his right mind would ever write a positive review of this, they probably hired a few hundred people to write good things about it here as part of their marketing campaign.
The visuals, as usual with R. Scott, are indeed stunning...but as for the rest...
I CANNOT stress enough how bad the story is, I used to be a sci-fi lover but this movie's plot is so STUPID, the storyline and acting is so GODAWFUL I'm considering a review in my tastes, I'm actually REVOLTED at how bad it is - Why do they make "sci-fi" movies without the slightest concern at real science?
A child knows more science than the "writer" of this piece of s...,
Just a FEW main "holes". Not plot holes, because that would mean there is a plot:
STUPID 1) Starts off with an "engineer" (a member of the alien race who created us) next to a river in what is supposed to be ancient Earth, looking at a giant hovering spaceship. He then drinks a black goo, and dissolves into the water..so that's how they brought human life to Earth...very intelligent, dissolving oneself hideously to create life...of course, they never heard of genetic engineering labs and tools...
STUPID 2) Jumps to archaeologists finding a cave with ancient paintings of giants next to a star system...then jumps again to the Prometheus spaceship, with the crew being wakened from stasis by an android....and then the crew assemble, and are introduced to each other (obviously that's how you select a crew, a lot of guys some of whom look like prison inmates who never saw each other before...training together must be a thing of the past)
STUPID 3) The archaeologists explain that all ancient cultures made those paintings (How? Man is 2, 3 million years old, how could a 5 or 6 thousand year old culture know about the engineers?) and that they showed the star system they are arriving at.
STUPID 4) They approach an Earth-size moon, and try to land IMMEDIATELY, without recon of any kind...then, of course, by sheer dumb luck, they find an ancient engineer base close to where they are landing...because one "scientist" spots some straight lines on the surface...that's like finding a needle in a haystack on the 1st try!
STUPID 5) They go off immediately to visit the aliens' base, again without recon, without waiting for anything, like a tally-ho bunch of teenagers, even though night and a huge storm is approaching...
STUPID 6) Once inside, just because the computer says the atmosphere is breathable, they OPEN their helmets...why??? That is ABSURD! How could a team of scientists ignore the dangers of contamination? Of unknown viruses or bacteria???
STUPID 7) They see the floor covered by puddles of black goo, and IGNORE it entirely...actually step ON it, without seeing small worms swimming in it...c'mon, that's utterly LUDICROUS, these are supposed to be scientists????
STUPID 8) Two of the group decide on the spot that they'll return to their spaceship (probably out of boredom with the plot)...just like that, they abandon the others...and of course, get lost inside the alien base...that's not absurd, that's RIDICULOUS behaviour...and further on, when they find an alien snake, they start to PET it...till of course it attacks them...of course, if you or I found an alien snake we would try to cuddle it, wouldn't we? That's simply BEYOND ridiculous, that's revoltingly unbelievable...
STUPID 9) They watch ancient holograms (very blurred, since the poor engineers didn't have good cameras) showing the engineers fleeing from something...and then they find a 2000 year-old severed engineer head, which they take back to the ship and try to revive in a Frankenstein- like way (literally!) again without any concern for contamination. The head explodes because of the black goo on top of it, and again no one tries to analyze it.
STUPID 10) The evil android (of course, he's evil, all androids are) puts some of the black goo in the lead scientist's drink...why? Because he is...evil, of course, and because that's a "very scientific way" of learning what the black goo does. I think I'll drink a few drops of mercury to find out how poisoned I can become...(after this movie, not such a bad idea).
STUPID 11) The lead scientist falls sick with an alien disease, but doesn't think of analysing it, and doesn't tell anyone about it...again, very plausible behaviour, let's start an epidemic, it's fun.
STUPID 12) The tycoon who financed the expedition was aboard all the time, but of course in hiding...why? No reason...no, wait, he's evil too, he loves to creep up unexpectedly.
STUPID 13) The engineer they revive and try to communicate with (the android has deciphered their language) behaves in a truly evolved way, by not answering a single word but just trying to kill everyone like a charging bull; later, he will try to take his ship full of black goo (apparently a bio weapon of theirs) to Earth...but that part at least I could understand, he must have been mad at our race for making a movie this bad....
And it goes on and on, the whole movie is like a STUPID or IMPLAUSIBLE behaviour CONTEST, for chrissake.
It borders on the CRIMINAL that so much money, so many splendid scenery and CGI and effects are COMPLETELY wasted in a story that makes ABSOLUTELY no sense, has no coherence and is so completely meaningless that to say it is AWFUL is actually praising it. I used to hold R. Scott works in high regard...but honestly, the worst B-movie I've ever seen is Oscar material compared to this story..!
A final warning: All the "positive" reviews here are obviously PAID, no one in his right mind would ever write a positive review of this, they probably hired a few hundred people to write good things about it here as part of their marketing campaign.