hhawkin

Nope. Why would a wealthy man want to pay a smarmy 40-year old stranger a lot of money to go get his 40-year old son? Can someone please explain to me how exactly Johnny Flynn AND Andrew Scott both managed to be completely charmless? I feel like that would take monumental effort from both of them. This felt like I was watching a suicidally depressed Wes Anderson directing a bored cast high on quaaludes in an art-house film. Was it very pretty? Sure. Did I absolutely loathe my once-favourite character from the Ripley saga (Freddie Miles)? Yup. Why did they cast a woman to play a man's role? Is this reverse Shakespeare? Where were the homoerotic undertones? What is happening?!? Positives: the Italian cast members were all fantastic, and every scene was beautifully manicured and framed. Sigh.

I don't know what I just watched. I'm positive the two leads didn't have any sort of chemistry test before they were cast. The male lead looks like a guy who you'd keep your drink covered around at a bar. Throughout the "film", I kept checking to make sure I wasn't accidentally watching at 0.75x speed. At about the halfway mark, despite being by myself, I said "wait, is this Mormon?" out loud because that's the only thing that would make any sense. The two best things about this "movie": 1) the completely OTT realtor (? Is that what she was?) who alludes to her lactose-induced flatulence with a guy she just met at a coffee shop, and; 2) the aunt and uncle who I'm positive slammed back at least 3 shots of tequila a few minutes prior to filming each of their scenes. I genuinely laughed out loud multiple times because it felt like I was having a waking stress dream. The fact that multiple people watched this and went "yep! Looks good! Print!" is just amazing. The cherry on top was that this contains what is definitely the #1 most awkward, stiffest, driest kiss in the history of Hallmark movies.

We are devolving as a species. It is truly a horror to behold.

Looking for a movie with plenty of eye-rolly insults made to belittle and condescend to a woman who chooses not to get married and have babies? Need your fix of "lol isn't she dumb for being '''''""independent?'"''"'' Oh no, a woman who enjoys her own company?? She must be broken!

Filled to the brim of the antiquated notion that "woman need man", "woman bad at stuff", "look how silly when woman try to do a thing"; methinks writers of this sort of bs protest waaay too much.

But I think my favourite thing is how whiny Chadley Whiteson gets when she doesn't want to make cookies with him.

Apropos of nothing, 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Just a fun fact.

Genuine laughs throughout, almost entirely courtesy of the mom, who does literally everything complete with running commentary - including planning a wedding in one day - while her useless husband (did he even have a line in this entire thing?) and equally useless son pass out in front of football games. It's Dadaist anti-art, a commentary on the expectations of women without even meaning to be.

Of course, the complete lack of storyline, acting ability, emotion, and chemistry between any of the people involved really drove this steaming pile home.

I think my favourite thing was when Bland Whiteson, who pleaded with his girlfriend to have a baby when she didn't want to, says that it's ok if a woman leaves a man but she has to take the kid(s) with her because what kind of person would just leave their kid? No self-awareness I see, Broseph Forced-Birth! Enjoy the baby you begged for!

Tommy Wiseau is probably angry that he didn't write this.