Oslo_Jargo Reviews (363)

Let's Go and Kill Sartana (1971)

Let's Go and Kick 'Em All Sartana!

[5/10 · 7 May 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

I recently pulled out an old VHS copy of this movie from my storage. It has been a while since I have seen it. The copy is blurry, has scratches, and is in terrible shape, but it still is perfectly watchable. And the audio is satisfactory, but it is only in Spanish; for those who don't speak it you can easily figure what is going on.

The title on my version is "Demasiados muertos para Tex" which translates into English as, "Too Many Dead for Tex". It seems like it was retitled for the American market as a Sartana movie though, as many Spanish and Italian Westerns were, in an attempt to capture a greater share of American audiences.

Spanish actor Jorge Martín, appearing with the most ridiculous wig ever, plays a man named Tex Nebraska. He gets into trouble with the law frequently, and was just set free by a judge. He later visits his fiancé, and suddenly five men start to beat him, out of nowhere. She throws him a revolver to defend himself, and he kills them all. And she is smiling after that. Very strange woman. The scene is absolutely ridiculous and quite typical in Spaghetti Westerns. And then the sheriff suddenly appears, and locks Tex up in the local jail. The sheriff is also the brother of Tex's fiancé.

In jail, some other guy is locked up with Tex. He is called "El Loco", the crazy one in English. American actor and bodybuilder Gordon Mitchell plays him. A bit later, El Loco's two friends break them all out of jail.

They meet up with a fat guy and then they go search for a ranch house that has gold in it. A couple is in the house, and the man is killed by El Loco's accomplice. The woman is saved by Tex after telling them that the gold is hidden in an old church, and she is let go.

There are a lot of imbecilic comedic scenes in this movie, and that really ruins it because then they are attempting to be serious in other instances. It probably would have been better if it was all serious and not dumb and simpleminded. I think they wanted to be like the Trinity movies.

The whole group goes looking for the church, but get their horses stolen, and then the sheriff suddenly starts to follow them (even after he was shot by El Loco's accomplice - it's like the writers forgot about that) and they also start bickering amongst themselves. The fat guy is shot by the posse and disappears from the movie altogether. Tex also starts flirting with the woman who helped with the jailbreak.

El Loco then gets pushed off a ledge by the woman accomplice. And Tex has to kill the man who freed El Loco from jail because he is jealous and wants to kill him. So basically, the story just keeps getting more unbelievable and pointless.

Finally, Tex and the woman find the church and then the gold, but she shoots him (like you could not see that coming). She goes to the top floor and two men attack her. I think they were bandits that were following them. Tex is still alive, as the bullet only grazed his forehead. He kills the two bandits, and the woman runs away with the chest of gold. Apparently there is a mud pool nearby, and the woman and the chest of gold start to sink after she runs in the mud. Tex attempts to save her, but she goes under. And then Tex is drowning, but is thrown a lasso rope and pulled from the mud by the sheriff. And this is a hilarious scene from a horror movie, the woman has become a skeleton and we see her skull before it sinks back into the mud! Tex's fiancé is present as well, and she suggests that Tex and her get married. But he is having doubts, and the movie end credits start.

Be sure to look for the stock footage of a waterfall, and also for the excessive use of the audio stock effect of the "werewolf howling" that you have heard in countless movies.

Quite an unusual movie. It is average, and peculiar in many ways, but definitely worth a watch.

Grade: C -

In Spanish with no subtitles.

Mark of the Gun (1969)

Mark of the Empty Gun

[5/10 · 6 May 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

A young man gets tussled up by what seem like lawmen, but he escapes them and heads off into the yonder. He comes across some building with a young guy guarding the entrance, and he lets him pass. He seeks lodging at the place and sees that there are many women and men present. One of them picks a fight with him, and another draws a gun on him but is shot dead. The place may be a brothel, it is hinted at but never overtly stated.

Later, the man also shoots the guy who had picked a fight with him earlier. And he is still allowed to be at the house after killing two of the men. That seems very odd. The leader of the ruffian men asks him if he wants to do a bank robbery job with them. He agrees, but infighting and jealousy take their toll. Soon they are ineffective at doing anything at all. And it turns out that the men were also double-crossed by the women, who actually robbed the bank. The plot is inconsistent and ridiculous, but at least they added some female spin to the mix.

As far as Westerns go, Mark of the Gun is extremely anemic and peculiar. They waste half the runtime at the old building, with nothing but talking and quarreling. It doesn't really pick up that much later, but then it does start to resemble a regular Western again. The producers make decent use of some old abandoned building for the ending shootout. I saw a few familiar faces like actor Ned Romero and actor Paul Sorensen.

The lead man is so inept and does not have any charismatic qualities at all. He barely speaks as well and that makes him extremely irritating. The rest of the cast is tolerable for a no-budget Western movie. It is not a particularly enjoyable viewing, but it is somewhat interesting to find these low-end movies. The movie looks like from 1962 or so. It probably was locked up in a vault and the dates are incorrect.

Grade: C -

The Beast from the Beginning of Time (1965)

The Smelly Caveman from the End of Time

[5/10 · 6 May 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

With an extravagantly flamboyant title like "The Beast from the Beginning of Time", you would think that the spectacular titular monster is from another planet, or distinct zone of time in another universe. But no, apparently it is from the good old polluted Earth. And he comes complete with an ancient loincloth tied around his (blank) to prove it. Imagine the smell of that thing.

This is a tolerantly interesting zero-budget little movie. That is, if you have the patience for it. And by patience, I mean the type of patience that you can acquire only if you have been incarcerated for 6 months, or have been living alone in a desolate forest for one year. It is long-winded and exceedingly garrulous. I mean these guys can really chatter and yap with the best of them. The plot is about some troglodyte that is uncovered in some type of dig. It is never mentioned what area of specialty the crew is from, but it is safe to say they are either archaeologists, paleontologists, or relic pirates. And they are extremely dull, dumb, prone to bickering, and a very danger to the community where they live.

Anyways, the troglodyte is inexplicably "animated" back to life by some lighting storm, and he impales a man with a shovel. The blame is put on one of the men of the dig, who is quickly labeled a lunatic and locked up in the local nuthouse. But he gives a stern warning to everyone that the troglodyte came to life during a lightning storm. But does anyone listen? Not those arrogant men of science.

Finally, the arrogant men of science go look for one of the original men involved with the dig, who is in the academic building late at night. There is also a lighting storm brewing, and the homicidal troglodyte comes back to life and rips off the arms of the original man involved with the dig. He also kills an old custodian, who was packing a revolver, and probably moonshine, in his room on the furnace level.

The smug academic guys try to hunt the troglodyte, with the help of a few useless sheriffs. But bullets are ineffective, and a tail spine spike from the fossilized figure of a Stegosaurus in the building museum, is used to impale him. But, the troglodyte is still breathing at the end. Eegah!

The horrible condition of the aged movie actually aids the viewing. And, although those who are more inclined to find fault in these types of movies may disagree, the troglodyte was actually quite acceptable.

So, if you are altogether already accustomed to these old zero-budget horror movies, then you might find this one somewhat amusing.

Makes great viewing paired up with Trog (1970), Iceman (1984), and Quest for Fire (1981).

Los jaguares contra el invasor misterioso (1975)

The Jaguar Men Against the Mysterious Invader

[4/10 · 4 May 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

Los jaguares contra el invasor misterioso

The jaguar men against the mysterious invader

Quite a curious no-budget movie in the vein of El Santo Mexican wrestling movies. It pits three masked wrestlers, complete with spiffy capes, spotted jaguar shirts, boots and tights, and Aquaman type gloves, who work for some agency or government (?). They are called the jaguars. They don't carry weapons or have any superpowers, and their actual wrestling skills are entirely ineffective against some evil henchmen. Perhaps they should have had some laser rifles at the ready. Apparently they ride motorcycles in close formation through the streets as well. How is that for being overtly sophisticated?

After a female narrator tells us that a meteor has brought alien invaders to earth, they show just "one" alien from behind, so you can't see his face. Some Earth people are also conspiring with him. A bald guy speaking Spanish with a lousy fake German accent. Hilarious. The whole movie simply details one drawn-out chase scene. It involves a man and the daughter of the bald guy scientist who is working with the alien. They attempt to sell some synthetic diamonds and are chased by the jaguar men, some criminal hoods, and the police. Fight scenes are totally inept, gun battles are wholly static and terrible, but you get to see a veritable time capsule on film. It gives the impression of being more like a 1960s movie than a 1970s movie.

It seems like that they added different music in the 1980s, and also imposed some introductory titles. Probably for the video market.

The audio is not very good, so it is difficult to hear what is being said at times. Also, there is a delay in the synchronization of the audio and the movement of the actor's lips. So it is like watching a cheap kung fu movie.

The evil henchmen are actually pretty cool looking. They seem to be wearing wrestling masks, but they have a goatee on them. And they all have the same uniforms and are trained in karate. The alien also finally turns around towards the end, and he is an ape! Then he escapes with two of his little companions in some window time portal. They probably had a sequel in the works but went bankrupt. There was also another movie in the series, Karla contra los jaguares (1974). I wonder what ever happened to the jaguar wrestling team.

At least they left us with two movies.

The movie itself is below average, but it might be great amusement just to watch on a foggy or foul-weather day.

Introductory Spanish students should also have great fun with the movie.

In Spanish with no subtitles.

Death Rides Along (1967)

Death Rides A Slow Mule

[5/10 · 2 May 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

A forgotten Spaghetti Western directed by Italian director Giuseppe Vari. It starts off with some nonsense about political schemes in a small town, and the powerful men trying to buy out the land rights from innocent people. A few of them have risen against them, but failed.

Apparently someone sent some important documents with a horse delivery service. And the rider gets stuck in the fight between the innocent folks and the corrupt men in town.

Overall, there are a few interesting touches, but not enough to sustain much interest. I also felt that the direction was sluggish throughout.

The Battle of the Damned (1969)

The Battle of the Dummies

[1/10 · 2 May 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

This was an incredibly revolting movie experience. I wonder how in the world that a movie so idiotic could be made and sent out to theaters.

The beginning lacked just about everything that resembled an actual movie. Twenty minutes into the movie and you are asking yourself where did your time go? Why has nothing happened? Forty minutes into the movie and you know nothing good is going to come out of the movie experience.

It starts off really slow and boring. You get to meet a crack team of American soldiers. But none of them actually look like genuine soldiers. All of them are numbnuts. On top of that, they are vile, nagging, inconsiderate, and disloyal.

Anyways, they spend their time driving a few miles in the desert. Get attacked by a training plane that is supposed to be a German Messerschmitt ME 109 fighter. Find an oasis with water with relative ease. Then walk a few minutes, and they miraculously reach the German Africa Korps fuel depot, kill a bunch of guards, then blow up the bloody fuel tanks.

At least none of them came out alive.

Incredibly stupid.

Kill Johnny Ringo! (1966)

Kill Johnny Ringo, Kill!

[3/10 · 2 May 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

Stiff-nose Texas Ranger Johnny Ringo comes to town to get to the bottom of a counterfeit operation working in a gambling saloon. People try to kill him, but eventually he will bring justice to town, all by himself, because the villains are all so inept and can't shoot him.

Kill Johnny Ringo (1966) is a pretty standard Italian version of a traditional American Western. That said, it falls below the average category because it becomes quite tedious and does nothing correct like the superior American Westerns.

The main problem is that the director has no flavor for excitement or artistry. All he does is go from point A to point B. And he takes a long time to do it. This dull Western clocks in at 1 hour and 38 minutes. American television episodes of Westerns are a lot more exciting, enjoyable, and interesting.

Monotonous American actor Brett Halsey is also a complete bore. He does not show any emotion or range, and that could be said about the entire cast. They are lackluster, unimaginative and uninteresting.

See it if you can cowboy, but don't expect much.

Super Colt 38 (1969)

Colt 38 Super Killer

[6/10 · 1 May 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

I recently found my old 1980s VHS tape of this movie. It was an extremely difficult to find movie for many years, but now many sites are offering DVD copies of it.

My version is in Spanish only. The movie has American actor Jeffrey Hunter, who died in 1969, in it. His life was taken by an explosion and its after effects on some cheap movie production in Europe. Apparently he was not getting roles in America so he went abroad. Quite a tragic loss.

The movie also has familiar Mexican actors in it. Pedro Armendáriz Jr., Andrés García, and Mexican director and actor Chano Urueta, who was in Sam Peckinpah's The Wild Bunch (1969), are just a few of them.

Dominican-born Mexican actor Andres Garcia (a popular Latin actor who was concentrating on soap operas before he died) was only about 28 years old here. He could have been a Latin Paul Newman, but films like this did not establish his dramaturgical expression and credibility.

This Western is a typical low budget Mexican movie, except that they brought in an American for it. Jeffrey Hunter plays a lawman who goes hunting for a vicious bandit, who turns out to be an old friend. He draws on Jeffrey Hunter, and loses. Jeffrey Hunter then decides to put the guns away for good. But more bad men are to be found. Will he pick up his guns again? I think you know the answer.

"You got two ways to go, put it down or use it. " - Hombre (1967)

Kanunsuz kahraman - Ringo Kid (1967)

Turkish Ringo Shoots First!

[4/10 · 1 May 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

Interesting movie from Turkey, as they were riding the coattails of the 1960s Spaghetti Westerns. Specifically, the Django and Ringo titles.

This one is a Ringo title. It is hardly any good, and it was entirely in the Turkish language. And the copy was faded and blurry, and seeped in bad light exposure.

You can figure it out, even without understanding a word of the language. Ringo goes after bandits that robbed a small town and killed his family. Along the way, he meets up with a couple in a wagon and they fend off an Indian attack. The scene was absolutely ridiculous and hilarious. Turks dressed in cheap Indian clothing get slaughtered.

The guy who plays Ringo actually looks cool, and he rides a horse really well and has a cigarette in his mouth in all the scenes. And the Turkish desert setting surprisingly looks like the old West and is beautiful.

Jessi's Girls (1975)

Once Upon a Time in the Female West

[5/10 · 1 May 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

If you have watched every Western by now, you will probably be coming up to lower end bargain basement bin movies like this one.

It uses the established formula from Nevada Smith (1966) in which Steve McQueen seeks revenge for the murder of his parents. He is taught how to shoot by the reliable actor Brian Keith.

This time around they make it a female revenge Western, and toss the women's undergarments into the bonfire. The moment was ripe, since feminists were burning their own brassieres in the street, denouncing male overlords, and letting their body hair grow out everywhere.

So, a few female revenge Westerns came out at this time, and also later. Wild Women (1970), The Animals (1970), Hannie Caulder (1971), Apache Woman (1976), Desperate Women (1978), and White Apache (1987).

Were they any good? Nope, they all stunk like fresh cow manure, and were pretty average and below average. The main problem was that they are completely unbelievable. No one who has watched Westerns is going to be convinced that these women can actually handle a revolver, much less survive in the harsh climate of the old West. Another problem was that the movies were wholly preposterous and ridiculous. How many times can you watch a woman shoot a man in the (blank)? It gets weary really quick.

So, director Al Adamson gives us his own inept treatment of the subject. It is dumber than a pile of bricks, and very tedious at times, but surprisingly it is watchable. I said watchable, not enjoyable.

I like that 1950s Western film star Rod Cameron gets to play the old reliable who teaches the woman how to survive and handle a gun. He is barely recognizable because they pasted a dead roadkill skunk on his face that is supposed to pass off as a beard. He hardly gets any screen time either, which is a shame, and probably was only paid bus money for his appearance.

The location shooting is very beautiful, and the final showdown actually has some good stunt work.

There is also a nice Western theme. But after it is played constantly, you will get annoyed by it, and on the twentieth time that you hear it in the movie, you will want to either mute the sound, or toss the television out the window.

Nan quan bei tui zhan yan wang (1977)

Cold, Dumb, & Boring

[3/10 · 30 April 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

If your idea of a good kung fu movie is having a bunch of boring people sit around a restaurant and yap, then this might hit the spot for you.

The movie has a couple of kung fu actors that are clearly recognizable, and an absolutely fabulous introductory segment, but of course, as usual with these obscure, low budget Chinese kung fu movies, the cool music was stolen outright from a 1970s French movie.

After you get past the hip intro, the movie goes unquestionably into the garbage can. How quick is that for you? Right from the get go. The small amount of fighting is tedious, has annoying angles that make the audience dizzy, and the story is absent. It is just another kung fu movie that the director and producers did not bother to invest with anything interesting.

One idiotic scene has two guys fighting, and one guy sees a snake in the tree, and wants to save the other guy (why are they fighting in the first place then?), but gets bitten instead. Who wrote this nonsense?

Avoid at all costs. Your time may be better spent practicing with nunchucks, or cooking a noodle dinner.

The Wages of Fear (2024)

The Wages of Stale Pears - truly awful

[1/10 · 27 April 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

Leave it to the French to mangle two of American film director William Friedkin's classic 1970's films.

First, they remade The French Connection (1971) by giving us the awful La French (2014) (The Connection (United States title)). It was a complete snooze fest and had no action at all. It was deadly dull.

Then they decided to redo Sorcerer (1977), but hurriedly put it into a desert setting because it would be a lot cheaper when they learned their budget would have been blown by going out to the wild jungles. So now we are stuck with The Wages of Fear (2024). Unfortunately.

In today's delicate time, you know they are going to ruffle up the script just a tad so no one in the audience will get offended. This includes adding a bunch of sensitive "tough guys", putting in a rugged female character who has the body of a super model but can cripple five men in brawls, and appeasing the political climate by adding the obligatory, different and diverse ethnic characters.

The problem is, it's absurd. Totally awful. Why ride on the coattails of Wages of Fear (1953) and Sorcerer (1977)? Why not just put another generic name on it? Probably because they are banking on the past movies to score some easy movie profit. Thus, they have to slander those other great movies with rubbish like this. Henri-Georges Clouzot and William Friedkin are tumbling in their graves. This modern version has none of the perilous existentialism to be found in the wonderfully profound Wages of Fear (1953), or the absolutely bleak fatalism of the brilliant Sorcerer (1977).

The extremely bland tough guys are of the Jason Statham variety. No ability to act, appear overtly smug, grunt, and the capacity to kick everyone's teeth in with the greatest of ease. They have some bald idiot who looks like Vin Diesel, and he is very dull.

The opening of the movie tells you that it is going to be one tough ride to boredom, or hell. A woman is escaping in a truck from some Arabs in another truck, who have an automatic machine gun, but they have no idea how to shoot. They are 2 seconds behind her, and then her truck gets stuck, and tough bald guy comes out in his own truck, and pushes her out, and they escape the Arabs somehow. Supposedly the Arabs got stuck in time and were frozen (?). Then the man and woman make it to their compound, and horsemen come out after the Arabs in the truck. Apparently whoever wrote this nonsense never got the memorandum that horsemen are useless against an automatic machine gun (see Mexican Revolution 1910, Balkan Wars 1912, World War I, etc).

Then they throw in a gratuitous sex scene, for who knows what purpose. Just like that, five minutes into the movie and it is already entirely useless and dumb. The rest of the movie is like hitting your head with a soft brick made from compacted sand.

Most level-headed audience members will probably decide to forfeit watching the rest of the movie. Others, may want to attempt to reach the end. But be warned, you may not make it.

Shōgun: A Dream of a Dream (2024) Season 1, Episode 10

A Nightmare of a Dream - terrible finale

[2/10 · 23 April 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

Hopefully this is the final episode, because it was of the highest order of uninterrupted nonsense. Absolutely unbelievable, intolerable, and torpid. While watching it, I felt like I was sinking deeper into molasses. Something just was not right about the whole episode. None of it fit together, or was even connected to the previous episodes.

It starts out with an insufferable shot of the Englishman, as he is probably back in happy old England, on his deathbed. Apparently the writers ruin any sense of suspense in the episode because we already know he was not killed in Japan. He is overcome by old age and appears senile, as he's reminiscing about his younger days in Japan. There was no reason for this scene except for the audience to sympathize with him automatically. Just another useless filler, and he was also an extremely unlikeable fellow. The actor himself has absolutely no range of expression, and the character he plays is unappealing, foul-tempered, and belligerent.

Then they cut to the aftermath of the death of the Japanese translator. They quickly run through a bunch of implacable and entirely useless intrigue which had transpired. It is both lethargic and extremely slow going. Yabushige the traitor feels guilt for the death of the Japanese translator, and then he goes insane a few times. Again, the writers ignore what he was before in the previous episodes. Here, he has now become a doting imbecile. It is a complete shame that the writers would make him appear like that in the ultimate episode.

Then the Englishman is allowed to leave, back to the village from where he came from, just like that. Allegedly, the Japanese translator made a deal with the Portuguese or something. It is absolutely improbable, but he had to be spared for some reason. Yabushige the traitor also goes with him. They find that the Englishman's ship was sunk by some traitor, and that Toranaga is punishing the village harshly. This is the same leader that the audience was rooting for in the previous episodes. He's ordered heads to be cut off and positioned in entrance to the village. Then Yabushige the traitor is ordered to kill himself. He's probably the character with the most sympathy and charm, and they get rid of him just like that. Insipid dreck from the writers.

They pass through more irrelevant nonsense with the Englishman and certain characters that we have seen before, but everything is inherently insincere and unconvincing. Nothing is resolved. And there is no warmth or emotion in anything at all.

The scene with Toranaga and Yabushige the traitor allows the audience to "see" that Toranaga has somehow "won" the military and political maneuvering with his "great plan". It is far fetched and beyond ridiculous. Toranaga at this point is nothing but a power hungry warlord. Of course in reality, every warlord has such common traits, but this is television, and the writers assembled him as a noble man who was wronged in the beginning, and then they deviate so drastically because they think they are being intelligent and have "fooled" the audience. It is a wearisome way to present him. He has no compassion, no tenderness, or no benevolence towards anyone at all now. And he just is not interesting, or engrossing as a character or leader. The writers have been a major disservice to his characterization.

Before Yabushige the traitor kills himself, Toranaga tells him that the consort mother of the noble son, had pledged allegiance to him. And a few of the other lords switch sides as well. This, after the previous episodes showed us that they were all rigidly against Toranaga. So now Toranaga, in a hypothetical battle in his mind, has won it all. You can scratch your head on that one. It makes no sense at all.

The Englishman's in-house consort now wants to run off and become a "nun". I don't know where that came from, probably from the writers watching El Cid (1961) or Excalibur (1981). Here they had a strong Japanese widow in the previous episodes, and now they make her appear weak and insipid. And she is going to go hide in a nunnery. Okay, the writers build up the feminine characters, and then later make them appear lamebrained and witless. Especially when they made the Japanese translator throw herself in front of the explosion.

And the Englishman is now a ship builder, and Buntaro, who hated his guts before, helps him and the villagers to pull out the wreckage of the ship. Supposedly Toranaga wants the Englishman to build him a fleet. This, after the Englishman curses Toranaga to damnation. More head scratching. Later, we also learn that Toranaga used the Englishman, and that the Englishman used him, and everyone seemed to have used everyone else, and it was all for some "plan". What plan? I am attempting to analyze this plan, but there was none. It was merely terrible and slothful writing that wanted to appear clever, but it turned out that it was entirely incomprehensible, tedious, and obtuse.

This back and forth nonsense takes up a considerable amount of the episode, and it does nothing to satisfy the resolution of the ending. The writers are attempting to weave some type of profound thread, with the meaning of life and death, but they come up drastically short, and should go read some more Albert Camus. Notably, about humanism and humanity, because that is one component that this show completely lacks.

Thusly, after ten narrative episodes, we fundamentally are left with a meaningless and vacant ending and totally uninspiring conclusion.

A horrid final episode, a complete waste of time and investment.

Final conclusion: Shogun (2024) is a vastly overrated series that has no redeeming value or qualities. It is empty and devoid of any sincere drama or proper human empathy, and it seems to rely on amoral characterization and extreme transitory story writing. The characters also lack clarity and compassion, and no chemistry exists between any of them on the screen.

Final grade for series: D -

Shōgun: Crimson Sky (2024) Season 1, Episode 9

Crimson Pie - another awful episode

[2/10 · 16 April 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

The other episodes were written horribly, but this one adds a large heap of astonishing implausibility to the mix.

I mean the whole episode is so utterly useless and vapid. Anyone with analytical skills will be questioning the validity of the deficient writing.

The Englishman, Yabushige the traitor, and the Japanese translator all go to the capital.

The Japanese translator is given the limelight in this episode. I mean they really layer it up so atrociously that you'd think that the whole series was only about her. Well, in this modern version it 'is' only about her. She was complaining about living and not being allowed to die in the other episodes. Here, she is given the chance to kill herself, and she fails miserably. And the Englishman wants to help her by cutting her head off. Okay. What a great lover he is. By the way, only male samurai were given an option of ritual suicide in Japanese culture.

There is a ridiculous plan that she attempts, when she wants to leave the castle, and she shows us her uh, samurai "skills". It was absolutely ridiculous to watch. For a moment, I thought that she was actually going to be victorious against the ten guards before her, but she just gave up and lost her wind. I guess the writers actually came to their senses by not having her single-handedly killing all the male guards.

Then they threw in some ninjas, who are great for killing guards, but get killed easily by the Englishman and the Japanese translator. And then they blow her to bits when the said ninjas use explosives to crush up a door and she martyrs herself for the "great cause". But I am sure it was just a cliffhanger, and in the next episode, she will be resurrected in some nonsensical manner. Or it is just Toranaga's plan again. His "great" plan, as the writers want us to believe he is a master tactician. I can't believe how unconvincing his "plan" is. This Toranaga has sold everyone down the hole, just so he can sit on the military throne. But he's got "ethics". Whatever. Surprisingly, he is completely absent from this episode, probably still at home with that cold. In the first few episodes, Toranaga had the possibility to be a very interesting character, but the writers botched that up, and he became a torridly bland character who does nothing at all.

And we don't exactly know who sent the ninjas, because the entire series is a big deception. It is probably Toranaga who did it, since that was obviously his "hidden" plan all along. And if that truly is the case, then this series has been a major disappointment. But we are supposed to be crying tears for the death of the Japanese translator? The writers are being so fatuous, and don't stick any true sense of reality. Are Toranaga's enemies really as stupid as the writers of this episode will have us believe?

I am hoping the next episode is the last, because the entire show is so tedious and dreadful. They are just plodding us along in these extremely pointless episodes that are vacuous and unintelligent. I am not even sure that this Shogun should have been made.

In fact, I am absolutely sure of it after watching this episode.

Postscriptum: The worst acting award goes to whoever played the Japanese translator's son.

Shōgun: The Abyss of Life (2024) Season 1, Episode 8

The Abyss of Lies

[3/10 · 9 April 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

Well, not much to say about this episode except it was even more of a digression from the others in terms of absolute coherence. Shoddy, haphazard, and aimless writing permeates it. A lot of the characters are "rewritten" to be completely opposite from what they were in the other episodes. It is as if a bunch of English majors with no idea of Japanese culture took part in it.

It is distracting and takes away from the overall story development. The Englishman is still written as an ill-mannered, discourteous, and impolite sod. He sees one of the European sailors in town by some "chance", and they have a fight. Okay. A truly pointless scene. He was so concerned about the crew throughout the other episodes, and now he nearly killed a man from his old ship. And he also turns against Toranaga. What a surprise. And then there is talk of "loyalty" in all the episodes, and yet it is all purposeless and of no value because of the way the Western writers have constantly flip-floped in their approach. This series is nothing like old Japanese samurai cinema, which relied heavily on believable drama. But apparently everything we are watching is part of the great "plan".

The Japanese translator's husband is also portrayed as a nice chap now. He makes tea for his unresponsive wife, and later, even cries like a baby. Buntaro was probably the only interesting character because he was opposed to the snotty Englishman, and his extreme aggression was the only diverting thing to watch.

And they throw in more meaningless nonsense about the brothel and the Portuguese church. Whatever.

If you have not guessed, Toranaga has had something brewing that only he knows about. (As if we should care at this point). We are left in the dark, but he will probably unleash that ludicrous plan with the silly name. He allows his old ally and friend to die? For what, to confuse the enemy? That is the worst piece of junk writing I have ever seen. He is an utterly trivial and boring character at this point. In this episode, he has a bad cold and he meanders around like a slothful worm. You would hope that they wrote some more gusto into his limp self, but no.

There are absolutely no likable or pleasant characters in the entire series. There are just a bunch of disagreeable, mercenary, self-regarding louts. And this episode really cements that. I have been disappointed in the characters in the past, but this episode makes it clear that the writers have absolutely no duty to the audience, or no duty to the characters themselves. The series is nothing more than an empty cartoon. The Englishman has no importance anymore, and to top it off, they made him even more fickle in this episode.

But we are supposed to root for Toranaga? Well, I think not.

Shōgun: A Stick of Time (2024) Season 1, Episode 7

A Waste (Stick) of Time

[3/10 · 3 April 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

At this late in the episodes, there really is no longer any hope of the series getting any better. We are beyond that. The writers have dedicated themselves to making the series ridiculously meaningless and insensible.

The beginning of episode 7 has the aftermath of a battle, with a young Toranaga played by a Western kid. Apparently they had no Japanese kid available. He helps his defeated enemy commit ritual suicide. Yeah right. I guess this scene is to establish that Toranaga is familiar with war and death. Even though he probably just sat on his horse during the actual battle. Ridiculous.

Then there is the owner of the brothel, who gets an audience with Toranaga. What was the point? Only the writers know. They also put in a spear training scene with the widowed woman living with the Englishman. To show us that women can fight on equal footing with men. Okay.

And then the Englishman is reduced to nothing. I mean he is no longer prominent for some reason. Except his old usual tactic of being a crackbrained whiner. He offends everyone at the meeting by storming off and cussing at Toranaga's men because supposedly Toranaga threw in the towel to his brother, who was going to help him, but then turns out to be a traitor. More shoddy writing.

Toranaga's son also kills himself by slipping on the loose robe of Toranaga's brother, who for some reason was at the brothel partaking in perverted acts. He cracks his skull. Just like that. The scene is so unbelievably stupid and counterfeit. You wonder why would the writers resort to more silliness to move the story. But they have been doing it all along. Slow ships and boats "racing" each other, a samurai returning miraculously from a sure death, an inescapable ambush in the forest averted, a sudden earthquake, etc. You get the point.

Contrived and pointless scenes litter the entire episode.

And now at this juncture, we can only guess the ending and how the scatterbrained writers are going to tie it all together in some astounding and miraculous manner.

Mr. & Mrs. North (1952–1954)

Mr. & Mrs. Jellyfish

[3/10 · 27 March 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

I watched about ten episodes of this snooze fest before ultimately calling it quits. Richard Denning (Unknown Island (1948), Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), Target Earth (1954), Day the World Ended (1955), Creature with the Atom Brain (1955), and The Black Scorpion (1957)) is married to Barbara Britton, in what seems like the most dull marriage ever imagined.

They get stuck in silly situations where some murder or mystery just happens to follow them. What baffles me is how this sleuth-solving duo actually solved anything at all. Richard Denning is written to be an invertebrate weakling numbskull and simpleton. Barbara Britton is written to be a courageous and plucky woman. I don't care if the man is portrayed as a blundering idiot, but Barbara Britton has as much personality as a bag of corn starch. She is eminently boring. And so is Richard Denning.

Luckily each episode clocks in at 25 minutes, and they canned the series at season two. Watching it is a real trip to snooze-ville.

Shōgun: Ladies of the Willow World (2024) Season 1, Episode 6

Ladies of the Hollow World

[3/10 · 26 March 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

Another dismal episode, to be quite abrupt about it. There is a lot of useless background storytelling that rushes quickly, so that most viewers will be scrambling to comprehend what exactly is going on. I had no difficulty myself, but the sloppily assembled history of the Japanese translator is a tedious modern way of hurrying through unimportant details.

And then the Englishman is made admiral, and also put in charge of the artillery unit. All that because he saved the Japanese lord's life in the ridiculous earthquake scene. Brilliant writing. An Englishman who constantly whines about wanting to go back home, and yet in the first episode he was whining about discovering the Japonés. Now he is to be trusted with a navy fleet and artillery unit? Okay. Brilliant writing.

This episode also has an enormous feminist bias, and it overshadows the entire plot and historical reference that was present in the first two episodes.

My conjecture in Episode four that the Japanese translator was somewhat important has come true. Like you could not see that silliness coming.

There is also an inordinate amount of time at the local brothel that goes absolutely nowhere. You think they would throw in a good samurai fight or something by this point. But they discuss the intricacies of "tea pouring". All while the after effects of a major earthquake are forgotten. Just an inconsistent storyline that is swept under the rug.

And the outcast Japanese lord's army was destroyed in the earthquake, and yet he formulates a plan to storm the other rival lords' main castle. Brilliant writing.

And then there are plenty of Lady Macbeth themes taken right out of Shakespeare, except that they are not handled with dexterity or finesse like you see in the excellent Akira Kurosawa's Throne of Blood (1957), Andrzej Wajda's Siberian Lady Macbeth (1962), or Roman Polanski's Macbeth (1971). It is absolutely incredulous that a concubine courtesan consort who bore the heir because the wife was unable to, is now pulling all the political strings.

Anyone who has thought about giving up on this imprudent, frivolous and empty-headed series will probably jump ship by this point.

Shōgun: Tomorrow Is Tomorrow (2024) Season 1, Episode 3

Tomorrow Is Yesterday

[3/10 · 24 March 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

Follows in the footsteps of the horrible previous episodes. At least they are consistent in that manner.

The idiotic scene with the boats and ships? Utterly unrealistic. Preposterous. This is the type of dumb things that we are forced to sit through, cartoon fantasy scenes.

The English steersman was supposedly starving and had scurvy on the long trip to Japan, but when he took off his clothing to swim, it appeared that he had been at the gymnasium recently.

Terrible writing, I don't think that the series will improve much. But I'll still watch it to the end. Like a man on a sinking ship.

Shōgun: Servants of Two Masters (2024) Season 1, Episode 2

Servants of Two Dullards

[4/10 · 24 March 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

The second episode proves that the first was not the worst. It is proving to be an exceptionally badly written series, with extremely unlikeable characters.

Hopefully a few good things will come from this pathetic and pitiable series. Japanese mom and pops restaurants will have some business, people will buy some Japanese history and art books, and that they will also look to the past for the excellent Japanese film directors, who include Akira Kurosawa.

Intelligent people will avoid the series, the masses will probably flock to it like rats to stale cheese.

Stick with the original version and the book itself. This version is useless and horrendous. A complete waste of time.

Shōgun: Anjin (2024) Season 1, Episode 1

Anjin or Antman?

[3/10 · 23 March 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

It seems that the producers hired the most annoying, uncouth, asinine, and boorish Englishman that they could find. Where did they find this guy? At the taverns? At the docks? All he does is curse and curse. In reality, no Japanese feudal lord would put up with his outbursts. This bloke is so bloody over the top ridiculous and insane that it really ruined the fine acting from the Japanese actors. His acting is so wooden, and he doesn't inspire any sympathy at all. He is a loudmouth braggart. If you are a stranger in a strange land, it probably would prolong your life to keep quiet and assess the situation. But this guy, he is a bombastic vulgarian. Why the Portuguese rogues or few Spaniards did not toss him into the tides is beyond me.

Another major problem was that one of the writers was a woman, and it looks like they let her inject some modern day extreme feminism in many of the action scenes. There's a household maid that starts killing everyone with a knife and they made it look like she was unstoppable. The attack in the forest scene had the Japanese woman translator pick up a spear and hack about five Japanese soldiers with ease. It was absolutely stupid. That completely ruined the decent dramatic scenes. I am sure that she will be fighting samurai in the later episodes. And what did the Englishman do during the attack, did he pick up a sword himself? Nope.

And the English steersman is supposedly speaking Portuguese while we are hearing English? Okay. While he does not know a word of that language? The script continuity supervisor completely failed the audience.

Not to mention that the writers are vehemently anti-Catholic and despise the Portuguese and Spaniards while favoring the Dutch and English.

And the idiotic scene with the boats and ships? Utterly unrealistic. Preposterous. This is the type of dumb things that we are forced to sit through, cartoon fantasy scenes.

The English steersman was supposedly starving and had scurvy on the long trip to Japan, but when he took off his clothing to swim, it appeared that he had been at the gymnasium recently.

And as usual, they made the Japanese translator very beautiful. She can not be fat or ugly. How is that for the double standard? On the one hand, women can fight exactly like men, but then they have to look beautiful. Hypocrisy.

Intelligent people will avoid the series, the masses will probably flock to it like rats to stale cheese.

Shōgun: The Eightfold Fence (2024) Season 1, Episode 4

The Zerofold Fence

[3/10 · 23 March 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

Episode four was just dreadful. Apparently, the English steersman, who said he knew nothing of military tactics and expertise in the previous episode, is an artillery genius in this episode. And he trains a few Japanese soldiers, making them experts as well. Seventeenth century artillery guns were unwieldy and difficult to shoot accurately. In a highly preposterous scene, the new Japanese artillery men make waste of some enemy horsemen from 1000 yards out. And the general, whose limbs are all bloody and absent, mutters coherently, that it was not honorable behavior. All that because some impetuous young son wanted attention. Who is writing this drivel?

The English steersman, who in previous episodes is made out to be a devout Protestant, sleeps with a Japanese prostitute, and he is married. More hypocrisy. And there is more foreshadowing that the Japanese translator may be a key to the future. I personally think that she may be a trained assassin who has a shady past, and will kill the enemy lord. If that is the case, this whole series is a complete farce.

The episodes are getting progressively worse and worse.

Anyone who has wanted to bailout at this point, should take a parachute and jump from the burning plane already.

Shōgun: Broken to the Fist (2024) Season 1, Episode 5

Broken to the Brain

[1/10 · 23 March 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

Episode five is more of the same haggard storytelling, which in this case, amounts to more of the same nonsense from all the previous episodes. There is some uninteresting balderdash about a dead chicken pheasant that is "not supposed to be touched". The Englishman was jokingly saying that anyone who touched it would be killed. Turns out, the gardener touched it and was put to death, and the Englishman is wondering why. His empty-headed buffoonery is getting tedious.

Then the husband of the Japanese translator has "miraculously" returned alive. Apparently, he and ten unemployed samurai fought off those hundred soldiers. Okay. Whatever. Well, the writers put him through the sewer in this episode. They made him more unlikeable than Genghis Khan. He can not hold his Japanese liquor against the Englishman, but he still is an expert marksman with a bow and arrow. Okay. Whatever.

They also put out the expected female victim card for the Japanese translator, so that the audience can weep and instantly side with her. Except it was done in a horrible manner, so to an educated viewer, it looks entirely contrived.

More contrivance is included later when the lazy writers throw in an unexpected earthquake. The laughable scene is so utterly inane that you have to see it to believe it. I'm sure they will also include a tsunami in the following episodes.

Overall, the obvious inconsistency of the episode really hampers it.

The Night Crew (2015)

The Night Stew

[1/10 · 17 March 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

Turned it off after ten minutes of ridiculousness. Absolutely dumb. The introduction had some awful song and a couple of loser bad guys acting like thugs. They go into a strip club with the intention of grabbing one of the dancers. Apparently some guy in the audience touched her behind and she cracked his hand or something. Really unbelievable junk.

Then the couple of loser bad guys acting like thugs chase her and she busts one of the thug's face and runs off. Another movie where women are super fighters. She staggers off and runs away.

Th director and cinematographer also shake the camera so much that it gets annoying. And they hold each scene shot for two seconds so you get dizzy.

And I said enough is enough. And the actor character Danny Trejo is also in this, so you know it will be even more worthless.

Shōgun (2024)

She-gun - Absolute Rubbish

[4/10 · 17 March 2024]

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

*Plot and ending analyzed*

It seems that the producers hired the most annoying, uncouth, asinine, and boorish Englishman that they could find. Where did they find this guy? At the taverns? At the docks? All he does is curse and curse. In reality, no Japanese feudal lord would put up with his outbursts. This bloke is so bloody over the top ridiculous and insane that it really ruined the fine acting from the Japanese actors. His acting is so wooden, and he doesn't inspire any sympathy at all. He is a loudmouth braggart. If you are a stranger in a strange land, it probably would prolong your life to keep quiet and assess the situation. But this guy, he is a bombastic vulgarian. Why the Portuguese rogues or few Spaniards did not toss him into the tides is beyond me.

Another major problem was that one of the writers was a woman, and it looks like they let her inject some modern day extreme feminism in many of the action scenes. There's a household maid that starts killing everyone with a knife and they made it look like she was unstoppable. The attack in the forest scene had the Japanese woman translator pick up a spear and hack about five Japanese soldiers with ease. It was absolutely stupid. That completely ruined the decent dramatic scenes. I am sure that she will be fighting samurai in the later episodes. And what did the Englishman do during the attack, did he pick up a sword himself? Nope.

And the English steersman is supposedly speaking Portuguese while we are hearing English? Okay. While he does not know a word of that language? The script continuity supervisor completely failed the audience.

Not to mention that the writers are vehemently anti-Catholic and despise the Portuguese and Spaniards while favoring the Dutch and English.

And the idiotic scene with the boats and ships? Utterly unrealistic. Preposterous. This is the type of dumb things that we are forced to sit through, cartoon fantasy scenes.

The English steersman was supposedly starving and had scurvy on the long trip to Japan, but when he took off his clothing to swim, it appeared that he had been at the gymnasium recently.

And as usual, they made the Japanese translator very beautiful. She can not be fat or ugly. How is that for the double standard? On the one hand, women can fight exactly like men, but then they have to look beautiful. Hypocrisy.

Episode four was just dreadful. Apparently, the English steersman, who said he knew nothing of military tactics and expertise in the previous episode, is an artillery genius in this episode. And he trains a few Japanese soldiers, making them experts as well. Seventeenth century artillery guns were unwieldy and difficult to shoot accurately. In a highly preposterous scene, the new Japanese artillery men make waste of some enemy horsemen from 1000 yards out. And the general, whose limbs are all bloody and absent, mutters that it was not honorable behavior. All that because some impetuous young son wanted attention.

The English steersman, who in previous episodes is made out to be a devout Protestant, sleeps with a Japanese prostitute, and he is married. More hypocrisy. And there is more foreshadowing that the Japanese translator may be a key to the future. I personally think that she may be a trained assassin who has a shady past, and will kill the enemy lord. If that is the case, this whole series is a complete farce. The episodes are getting progressively worse and worse.

Episode five is more of the same haggard storytelling, which in this case, amounts to more of the same nonsense from all the previous episodes. There is some uninteresting balderdash about a dead chicken pheasant that is "not supposed to be touched". The Englishman was jokingly saying that anyone who touched it would be killed. Turns out, the gardener touched it and was put to death, and the Englishman is wondering why. His empty-headed buffoonery is getting tedious.

Then the husband of the Japanese translator has "miraculously" returned alive. Apparently, he and ten unemployed samurai fought off those hundred soldiers. Okay. Whatever. Well, the writers put him through the sewer in this episode. They made him more unlikeable than Genghis Khan. He can not hold his Japanese liquor against the Englishman, but he still is an expert marksman with a bow and arrow.

They also put out the expected female victim card for the Japanese translator, so that the audience can weep and instantly side with her. Except it was done in a horrible manner, so to an educated viewer, it looks entirely contrived.

More contrivance is included later when the lazy writers throw in an unexpected earthquake. The laughable scene is so utterly inane that you have to see it to believe it. I'm sure they will also include a tsunami in the following episodes.

I don't think that the series will improve much. But I'll still watch it to the end. Like a man on a sinking ship.

Hopefully a few good things will come from this pathetic and pitiable series. Japanese mom and pops restaurants will have some business, people will buy some Japanese history and art books, and that they will also look to the past for the excellent Japanese film directors, who include Akira Kurosawa.

Stick with the original version and the book itself. This version is useless and horrendous. A complete waste of time.