statto4ever

I love watching Seagal movies, they share a common degree of crapness that I find both fascinating and hilarious.

Submerged is probably Seagal's worst effort since Out For A Kill. Although Submerged takes itself far too seriously. One of the best thing about watching films from this stage of Seagal's career is having a good laugh at the evident poorness on display.

This ranges from mumbled (often re-looped by a different actor) lines from Mr Seagal, to cleverly shot action scenes that disguise the fact that Seagal was no where near it.

Submerged scores on both these points and many others. But, Seagal looks bored throughout. In his other DTV efforts he at least looks like he is trying, but he appears to have given up on this one.

Oh, and whats with the tag-line about Biological mutants? There is nothing biological or mutanty about this film. In-fact it is a cheap Manchuruan Candidate rip-off about a crack military unit being brainwashed and used as terrorists/assassins.

Enter Seagal (who's character appears to be a Cajun) and his own crack team of military misfits. Vinne Jones is the most notable inclusion and he is pretty much the saving grace if the film. Lt Gorman from Aliens crops up as a double agent and the chick from UK crapma Dream Team is also in it. Sure, she's hot, but she can't act.

The film is directed by Anthony "Hellraiser 3" Hickox who needs to take his editors out back and give them a good old fashioned whuppin. This film suffers from a ludicrous amount of fancy flash cuts, OTT zooms and the like. I would call it style over substance, but there is no style and even less substance.

If you want a good laugh with a Seagal film then I suggest Into the Sun. Submereged (which is the worst name as they are in a sub for all of 10 minutes) is just a mess with only Vinnie Jones making it even close to being worth your valuable time. Avoid.

Sy Parrish (Robin Williams) is the technician at the SavMart photo lab where he has worked for many years. Over time he has gotten to know many of the customers, but none more so than the Yorkin family. But just how far does Sy's obsession run?

One Hour Photo is simply a stunning film; it's a tour de force of a movie that is not only a stunning debut movie (80's flick 'Static' not withstanding) from an exciting young director, but also boats a career best performance from Robin Williams.

Williams is so convincing as Seymour 'Sy' Parrish that you completely forget that you are watching the man that tortured the movie watching world with the likes of 'Bicentennial Man', 'What Dreams May Come', 'Patch Adams', 'Father's Day', 'Jack', 'Flubber' and 'Mrs. Doubtifre'. But, I digress; it seems vulgar to mention such films in the same breath as this stunning performance. Williams builds on the work he did in Insomnia (which was actually filmed after this film, but you understand what I'm saying, right?) and brings to film history one of the finest portrayals of anonymous danger.

Williams Sy is the guy you see every day, but never give more than a passing thought to. But, what if he is giving more than a passing thought to you? What if he has become so obsessed with your family that he starts turning up at your lunch break, or your kid's sports practice? Williams plays Sy perfectly, so ambiguous, so controlled. You're never sure what he's thinking behind those cold, cold eyes. His many voiceovers are delivered with an ice cold matter-of-fact manner that sends a chill down the spine. You're never quite sure what Sy is capable of, Williams never gives anything away and this creates tension from the very first frame.

It's tension that continues to build slowly and deliberately throughout the film right up to the final frame. The tension practically drips out of the screen during the scenes where Sy 'bumps' into the various members of the family outside of the SavMart setting, you feel as uncomfortable as the family members, it's impressive stuff. Williams cold ambiguous manner coupled with Romanek's stark visual style leave the viewer unsettled and unsure what to expect next from the film. This certainly no by-the-numbers Hollywood stalker/slasher film, that much is certain.

Romanek has teamed up with David Fincher's cinematographer of choice Jeff Cronenweth to produce a visually astounding movie. Although both Fincher and Romenek have a background in music videos, Fincher is a lot flashier than Romanek. Romanek's style is subdued, but stark and barren. The movie is beautifully filmed, with incredible use of light employed, whether it's in the sterile white photolab or the warm home of the Yorkin's. A stunning lighting effect is used in the final moments of the film to ground Sy in one of his earlier voiceovers. It's an incredible moment and one that will live with me for a good while.

I look forward to Romaneks next film as after his work here he can now be mentioned in the same breath as the likes of Soderbergh, PT Anderson, Fincher and Nolan as a new hot director to watch out for.

Williams steals this film, but let's not do disservice to the rest of the cast who step up to the plate and give some admirable work. Connie Nielsen is perhaps the best on offer; she works well as the mother of the Yorkin family. I like Michael Vartan in TV show 'Alias' and it's nice to see him in a film, he is given little to do until later in the film, but he handles some difficult scenes well. Dylan Smith has little to do, but be suitably cute as the Yorkin's son.

It's always nice to see Gary 'Boss from Hell' Cole and he again plays a boss here. He had better watch out though, or he'll become stereotyped! Also, apparently there is life after ER as Eriq La Salle pops up later in the film and has some impressive scenes with Williams.

The supporting players however, are just the lettuce at the side of the cheeseburger that is Robin Williams. I cannot stress how good he is here; it's easily his best work to date, surpassing the likes of 'The World According To Garp', 'Good Will Hunting', 'The Fisher King', 'Dead Poet's Society' and the recent 'Insomnia'. This is an Oscar worthy performance, but I fear that the Academy might shirk at the films dark subject matter and ambiguous nature. The Academy likes easy films, which One Hour Photo is certainly not.

In-fact One Hour Photo is a cold, dark, ambiguous film that leaves the viewer unsure of its direction for the entire running time. It asks questions of the viewer constantly and leaves itself burned into the viewers conscience long after the end titles have rolled and the lights have came up.

9/10 for One Hour Photo.

I expected quite a lot from The Kentucky Fried Movie given that it was directed by John 'The Blues Brothers' Landis and written by the comedy gods that are Jim Abrahams and David Zucker (Airplane!). So why was I disappointed?

I have a feeling it's because I've seen it all before. I'm sure if I had seen this film in 1977 then I would have a very different outlook. I'm sure back then the kind of comedy on offer here would be considered cutting edge, but this is 2002 and a thousand other spoof films have come and gone.

If this film had been released today I have no doubt that it would debut on rental and probably star a washed up Leslie Neilsen as the TV anchorman. You see, because this is my first viewing of the film and I have seen a ton of similar films in my life, this formerly cutting edge film seems as innovative as the next Meg Ryan romcom.

That's not to say there isn't any laughs to be had, some of the skits are indeed quite amusing. The parts I enjoyed most were the spoof of the early morning magazine show with the rampaging gorilla and the Death Society. The spoofs come thick and fast, apart from a tortuously long take on 70's kung fu films. This is the films longest skit and unfortunately the one most devoid of laughs. Sure, it was probably a laugh riot in the 70's when Kung Fu films were all the rage, but today it just seems tired.

A lot of the skits are just poor and it's no fault of the amount of similar films I've seen, the jokes just fall flat. The film is a mixture of the completely unfunny, the mildly amusing, but I've seen it a bunch of times and the pretty damn hilarious. Alas, the former two take up the lion share of the screen time and the short running time feels about twice as long.

I could go on and talk about the standard of acting and direction, etc., but there really is no point as both actors and director are not given enough time in each skit to show their worth. Indeed, the only actors I recognised were failed Bond George Lazenby and Mr. you-wouldn't-like-me-when-I'm-angry Bill Bixby. It's a cast of unknowns for the most part, which I guess works in the films favour as you concentrate more on the jokes.

When it comes down to it though The Kentucky Fried Movie is an incredibly mixed bag that fails through no fault of it's own. If only I had seen it many years ago.

4/10 for The Kentucky Fried Movie.

Dog Soldiers is the kind of British film that almost never gets made. For a kick off it's a genre film and the only kind of film British studios seem to want to make are either costume dramas or another 'Bridget Jones' style comedy. So it's all the more refreshing when something like Dog Soldiers comes along from a UK studio.

Shot in Luxembourg, but set in the Scottish Highlands (Most likely because of the UK's silly taxes on shooting in this country, Braveheart was filmed in Ireland.) Dog Soldiers takes the baton from last years 'Ginger Snaps' and continues the rebirth of the Werewolf movie genre.

Debut director Neil Marshall has taken his ludicrously low budget and crafted one of the finest Werewolf films since 'An American Werewolf In London.' Forced through budget constraints to use practical effects for the beasts and shoot them in low light and with fleeting glances past the camera. This style makes them all the more effective and about ten times more convincing than the terrible CGI animals that were created for 'An American Werewolf In Paris'.

Marshall creates a real claustrophobic feel for the film and drips it in atmosphere. The early scenes in the forest are frenetic, with fast moving camera's that leave the viewer breathless, trying to keep up with the action. The later scenes in the house slow down as we (and the army team) are given brief respite from the beasts. However when they strike again the ferocity is ramped up and the viewer is again bombarded with high paced action.

The many action set pieces are handled well and a good bit of originality and invention has been used to lift the film above standard horror fare. The film boasts a wicked twist in the tail (pun intended), that I certainly did not see coming. It's a nice touch that completely alters the last half hour of the film. I thought I had the ending pegged, but my assumptions were turned on their head by this plot turn.

Marshall's script is sharp and witty, stuffed with many genre references and sly, cheesy one liners. Sure, the plot borrows heavily from the likes of Aliens, Predator and The Evil Dead, but the director clearly has a great love for these films (One character is called Bruce Campbell). The film is definitely more of a schlock, comedy horror affair as apposed to straight out horror. Gore and blood are thrown about with wanton abandon and the practical effects are very impressive given the films uber-low budget.

Again probably more an effect of the low budget than anything, the cast is made up for the most part by unknowns. A relief for me as I hate nothing more than watching a British film and spotting about a dozen soap opera actors peppered throughout the cast. Aside from Sean Pertwee and Kevin Mckidd, I had not seen any of the actors before. The quality of acting is very impressive for this genre of film. The camaraderie in the army unit is very convincing, you actually believe that these guys have lived together and fought together. So when one of them is killed the viewer feels it as much as the other members of the unit.

I'm not a big fan of Sean Pertwee, he was in the risible 'Soldier' and has been in a few Brit-stinkers in his career. He goes a long way to redeeming himself here though. His work as 'the sarge' is very good and he delivers his many funny lines well and shows a previously untapped potential for comedy. The cry of 'sausages' is as funny as it is disgusting. Star of the show however is Kevin Mckidd. The last time I saw this guy was as Renton's doomed weightlifting buddy in 'Trainspotting'. He gives a commanding performance here and I expect big things from him after this film.

It's a real shame that Dog Soldiers has not secured a US distribution deal. And, it looks increasingly unlikely that it will either, as it was recently shown on the US Sci-Fi channel (albeit in a severely cut form). I urge all in the US to track down a copy of this film, you will not be disappointed in this ironic and fresh take on the werewolf movie genre.

8/10 for Dog Soldiers.

It's ten years since the events that took place in 'The Phantom Menace'. Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman) is now Naboo's representative in the galactic senate and the target of a bounty hunter. Obi Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) are assigned to protect her and find out who is trying to kill her. Meanwhile former Jedi Count Dooku (Christoper Lee) is banding together various planet systems to try and break away from the senate. Something Chancellor Palpatine (Ian McDairmid) will do anything to avoid, including starting a war.

After the lacklustre 'The Phantom Menace', Attack Of The Clones is a real return to form for the Star Wars franchise. Gone are the attempts to pander to the kids in the audience (for the most part, more on this later) and the comedy characters. Jar-Jar Binks, the bane of so many peoples problems with the previous film is reduced to a mere bit player, but he does bear some major importance to the plot. Indeed, Clones has an altogether darker tone that is more akin to 'The Empire Strikes Back'.

Another complaint levelled at the last film was the amount of time spent standing around and debating politics, 'Not enough action' was the cry. Well, Clones does have some political scenes, but these are in the middle part of the film and are kept brief enough for the audiences attention to stay focused. Cleverly these scenes are cut with those of Obi-Wan on his investigation and they provide a nice balance to the talky nature of the Senate scenes.

The film opens with a bang, an attempted assassination and a high speed chase through the crowded traffic lanes above Coruscant. ILM have done it again. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better after Weta's work in 'The Fellowship Of The Ring' ILM go and pull one out of the bag. Taking a leaf out of Blade Runner's book, ILM has created a living breathing metropolis, Giant towers adorned with Neon signs, seedy bars and brooding industrial zones all make this city jump of the screen.

Perhaps the biggest achievement for ILM in the film is the fact that you don't notice their work. Whilst filming, the vast majority of the sets were blue screens, they were then added later by ILM. It's testament to their hard work that apart from a couple of occasions you can't tell what's a set and what was created in the computer. The final battle scenes are immense, the sheer scope and audacity of the battle is amazing. Lucas has such an amazing vision and he has the team at his disposal to realise this vision.

The world he has created is populated by such a wide and varied selection of creatures and animals that it takes on a life of it's own. From the city planet of Coruscant, to the dusty Tattoinne and Goenosis, to the lush and regal Naboo, to the rain soaked Kimono. All have separate environments and all are created with such attention to detail that they are believable as places that people (or things) live in, leading everyday lives.

The film seems to ditch the ill advised midichlorian nonsense that was dreamed up for Episode I and harks back to the force that we know and love from the original trilogy. Yoda feels pain and suffering when something happens light years away and a scene with Jedi children (or younglings) is just delightful. The climatic lightsaber duel is breathtaking and easily matches the final duel from Menace. There are moments during the final duel where it I got the feeling I get when I watch the original films, it just 'feels' right.

I touched on the comedy aspect of the film earlier. To go with the darker tone of the film Lucas has cut back on Jar-Jar and any other comedy characters. However that's not to say that the film is a laugh free zone. Ewan McGregor flexes his comedy muscles and has some excellent lines. His dry wit is a welcome bit of light relief. C-3P0 and R2-D2 fill the roles that they did on the original films (and didn't in Menace) as the hapless duo get into more tight spots. Some of the stuff from C-3P0 was quite unexpected and was a nice touch (although I heard some cries of derision from round about me).

The film however really is about Anakin and his slow turn to the dark side of the force, before he eventually becomes Darth Vader. It's a part that really needed a good young actor in the role and Christensen delivers. About halfway through the film he has a really powerful scene, the first signs of the dark side in him and he nails it. It's a fine piece of work from a young man who is going to find the world as he knows it turned on it's head in the next few weeks.

If I was to nitpick I would say that the relationship between Anakin and Amidala, whilst necessary in the long run, held the pacing of the film back. Christensen and Portman seem to have some good chemistry (rumours were rife on set that they were an item) and there scenes aren't horrible, but they were getting in the way of the more interesting plot of Obi Wan tracing the bounty hunter. One particular scene on Naboo reminded me of 'The Sound Of Music', not quite sure where George was going with that.

Aside from that small point I loved Clones and it can be mentioned easily in the same breath as the original films, as it's better than 'Return Of The Jedi' and almost as good as 'A New Hope'. Hell, maybe my judgement is clouded by my undying love of all things Star Wars (or maybe the dark side?) so feel free to knock a point of my score if your not a fan. At any rate for sheer spectacle and vision Clones is a must see, highly recommended.

5/5

My faith is slowly but surely being restored in the British film industry. It would seem that the steady tirade of shoddy Lock, Stock & Bridget Jones rip-off's is being offset by some nice low budget character driven pieces that are begging to be seen by a larger audience.

Late Night Shopping is one such film. Yet to secure a release in the US, this is definitely a film to keep an eye out for.

Saul Metzstein's debut feature is a glorious exploration of friendship and how we choose to spend our lives. The four main characters all work nightshifts and spend the time before and after work drinking coffee and talking about how they hate their jobs and lives in general.

Lenny works in a directory enquiries call centre and has trouble speaking to women. Sean is a hospital porter who's girlfriend works a day shift, consequently he never sees her and wonders if she still stays with him. Vincent works in a supermarket and is a self-confessed womaniser who has a three strike rule. He will only sleep with a woman three times before he dumps them. Jody works for a computer components company and constantly feels left out by the three boys.

The four talk and go about their dull, mundane existence. The film however is anything but mundane. The tight script from Jack Lothian sparkles with wit and charm and you grow attached to the characters and genuinely feel for them. The story doesn't fall into cheap clichés and keeps the viewer on it's toes, not rushing into any obvious or cheesy climaxes.

In a welcome change of pace for recent British movie the film contains no violence and no drug-use. Sex is hinted at rather than shown and swearing is kept to a minimum.

The movie was filmed in Glasgow and director Saul Metzstein does a bang up job off making the grey, gloomy city that I know look like a bustling, lively metropolis. In-fact If I didn't know it was filmed in Glasgow I would have a hard job recognising it, although I did spot a few places that I know.

I'm not familiar with any of the actors from the film, but I was very impressed with the performances that they give. They really made me feel for them and I saw I bit of myself in each one (being a twentysomething loser in a dead-end job myself).

Late Night Shopping is easily one of the best films to come out of Britain in a long time and demands to be seen by as many people as possible.

4/5

This time last year I had no interest in LOTR, I hadn't read the books, I hadn't seen any footage of the movies and I couldn't tell a Hobbit from a Orc. For some reason however I started to become interested in the movie project. Trailers started to come out and my interest peaked, I bought the books and I haven't looked back. Now, finally I got to see the film.

I'm not going to beat around the bush here, for me Fellowship Of The Ring is my movie of the year.

From the opening salvo of great wars of the past to the moment when the lights go up (was that really three hours?), I was immersed in a world so vividly realised I could have swore I could smell the smoke coming from Gandalf's pipe.

Peter Jackson and his creative team have worked wonders, seamlessly blending CGI and practical shots to flesh out the world of Middle-Earth. This is the most realistic use of computer images I have yet seen. Battles rage, Trolls salivate and it all looks real, not like a cartoon (cough, Mummy Returns, cough), but real.

The acting is off the highest standard. Sir Ian McKellan is glorious as Gandalf The Grey, laughing and Joking with the Hobbits, but he has a knowing glint in his eye that betray's his real power. Elijah Wood is a joy as Frodo, he has a look of such innocence that it's heartbreaking to know what lie's ahead of him. Vigo Morteson is fantastic as Strider/Arragon, oozing a gritty nobility as the man who would be king. Special note goes to Orlando Bloom as Legolas the Elf, this guy is going to have a big future. I could go on, but be rest assured that no-one puts a foot wrong.

I touched on the look of the film earlier, but words really cannot do justice to how good this film looks. Everything from sets to costume to make-up is perfect, I can smell the golden statues from here.

The soundtrack is spot on, perfectly mirroring the on screen moments. Be they high emotion or gritty battle sequences.

If I was nitpicking I could say that large portions of the book have either been removed or so radically altered as to be unrecognisable. This is of little matter if you haven't read the books and off little consequence if you have as you are swept away by scene after scene of the world you have read about and loved.

FOTR is everything I hoped it would be, a cracking adventure movie with a strong story, engaging characters and stunning looks.

Over to you George.

5/5

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