On October 14th, 1066, two armies gathered on the hilly fields some seven miles northwest of the seaside town of Hastings. The defending force, led by Anglo-Saxon King Harold Godwinson of England, assembled atop a steep slope, prepared to meet the invading French-Norman forces of Duke William of Normandy.
Harold's army, though weary from their recent battle with the Norwegian forces of Harold Hardrada and long march south, were emboldened by their secure position atop the slope. As William's forces assembled on the more level ground below, they came under a hail of taunts from the English forces. As battle commenced, however, the Anglo-Saxon forces quickly lost their haughty attitudes.
Waves of Norman soldiers crashed upon the Anglo-Saxon line. For a time, the line held strong, and the Norman's, acting out of either fear or deception, retreated back down the hill, prompting their heartened foes to give chase. This decision on the part of the Anglo-Saxons would prove costly. As the English raced down the slope after their retreating foes, Norman light cavalry attacked from the flanks, slowly but surely picking apart those foolish enough to have given chase.
The Anglo-Saxon line began to falter, and soon, it would break entirely. An arrow fired from the Norman lines streaked across the battlefield and planted itself in King Harold's eye, killing him almost instantly. With the loss of their ruler, the spirits of the Anglo-Saxons were shattered, and they quickly retreated from the battlefield. The battle was a decisive victory for the Norman invaders, leading to many generations of French rule in England. However, the defeated Anglo-Saxons took one small comfort in the abysmal defeat: They would all be long dead before the movie "I Do, I Do, I Do" would premiere on Hallmark Channel.
I'm not going to going into a scene-by-scene analysis of this movie. If you've seen the movie Groundhog Day, or any of the dozens of knock-offs, then you understand the premise. A woman is forced to relive the same day over and over again (in this case, her disastrous wedding day) until she finally discovers what she really wants out of life. That's pretty much is.
What I AM going to analyze is the love-interest, whom I have nicknamed "Pervert Max." This guy is without a doubt the creepiest, most disturbing love interest in any Hallmark movie to date. Let's start with his very first scene: Our heroine, Jaclyn, is out for a bike ride in the woods on the day before her wedding, hoping to calm her nerves. She falls off of her bike and scrapes her leg. Pervert Max appears out of the trees and immediately starts trying to grab her leg. Now, you may say, "Oh, well, he's a doctor, he's probably just trying to help." Jaclyn doesn't KNOW he's a doctor. She's not badly hurt. A stranger she meets in the woods comes towards her and starts trying to grab her. There's red flag #1.
Next, Pervert Max jumps headlong into a little stream without checking for any potential hazards. This is presented as an admirable trait; Pervert Max is willing to take risks in life. Forgive me, but I hardly think that checking a river to see if it, I don't know, contains obstacles that could potentially impale you is the worst idea in the world. Pervert Max criticizes Jaclyn for not jumping in with him. Again, she just met him, and he wants her to frolic in the water with him.
The moment Pervert Max gets out of the water, he takes off his shirt in front of this strange woman he's known for approximately 5 minutes. Some members of the audience may think this is permissible, because Pervert Max has visible abs. However, let's imagine for a moment that Pervert Max is 250-lbs, has greasy hair, and lacks 50% of his teeth. Is it still permissible for him to strip in front of a strange woman in the woods? The action is revolting no matter who's doing it.
Next, Pervert Max reveals himself to be the perviest pervert in all of Pervertsville Pervadelphia by straight-up kissing Jaclyn on the lips. Remember, she's just out for a morning bike ride; this guy stalks her through the woods, tries to convince her to join him in a potentially dangerous situation, and then assaults her. His justification for doing so? "I wanted to see what would happen." I would love to see a judge's response if this defense was used in a courtroom. Pervert Max assaults Jaclyn: Period. It's not quirky. It's not romantic. It's not cute. It's not sweet. It's sick, it's demeaning, and it's completely disgusting in every way imaginable. Again, let's imagine Pervert Max isn't "Hallmark Hot" and is instead the lovechild of Gollum and a blobfish. Is it still okay for him to kiss Jaclyn? No, you say? Again, the action is wrong, no matter who performs it.
Pervert Max's reign of perviness continues throughout the film. Jaclyn discovers that he's her fiancé, Peter's, brother. When Pervert Max discovers this, what does he do? Apologize for being a literal s***** assaulter? No. Of course he doesn't. He gaslights Jaclyn, telling her that SHE kissed HIM. Again, we, the audience, SAW what happened. HE kissed HER, and then tried to justify it by saying he wanted to see what would happen. The dude isn't sweet, sensitive, or charming. He's a creeper to the highest degree. I kept actively hoping throughout the film that Jaclyn would spend her repeated days inventing new and creative ways to dispose of him.
Because this movie is completely disconnected from reality, Jaclyn, of course, falls in love with Pervert Max. She spends her repeated days essentially going on dates with him, rather than with her fiancé. I understand that she and Peter have no chemistry, and that she's correct in thinking they really shouldn't get married. What I DON'T understand is how we're supposed to root for a romance that started out with a literal felony. Keep in mind that, as Jaclyn is going out on these dates with Pervert Max, Pervert Max KNOWS she's his brother's fiancé. That in no way inhibits him from making constant moves on this woman. Pervert Max may be the most accurate on-screen representation of Beelzebub ever to darken a TV screen.
Eventually, Jaclyn pulls off her "perfect wedding" with Peter by doing the things she actually wanted to do instead of the things Peter's overbearing mother wanted to do. This should have been a nice moment for her - but Pervert Max lives to spoil nice moments. While practically in tears, he calls Jaclyn a coward for marrying Peter. Keep in mind, while Jaclyn is conscious of the repeated day, no one else is, including Pervert Max. As far as Pervert Max is aware, he's known this woman for less than 48 hours. Yet he feels confident enough to stalk, assault, gaslight, and criticize her.
Pervert Max is literally the most revolting fictional character I've ever had the displeasure to encounter. This movie could only possibly be enjoyable if you refrain from giving it any thought whatsoever. If they had made Pervert Max a nice guy instead of a creepy, assaulting stalker, the plot, trite as it is, could've at least been fun to watch. It's not fun watching a woman fall in love with a whiney, self-absorbed, deluded, predatory man-child, though. I hope there's a sequel in which Pervert Max gets stuck reliving the same day over and over again, and every day, he gets eaten by some new and vicious creature.
